The Daily Mail attributes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent weight lost and arduous fitness regime to her mysterious hospital visit on Monday, but rumors of a possible pregnancy are starting to surface elsewhere on the net. According to Rush and Molloy:

“[Husband Chris Martin and she] looked very serious,” a witness tells us. “She looked upset. They went right past everyone and into the elevator. It seemed like they were expected.” Our spy [also reported] that Martin and Paltrow entered Mount Sinai’s maternity wing, the Klingenstein Pavilion.

I’d say a baby sounds about right. You don’t usually go into the maternity ward with “bulimia” or “removing the giant stick from your pompous ass.” Just like you wouldn’t go to a proctologist for swollen tonsils and a sore throat. Not unless you want to find out the distance from your asshole to the back of your throat in medical tubing feet,¹ that is. It’s not pleasant, believe me, but it’s a real conversation starter at parties.

¹_{That’d be 26 feet and 11 inches, for those of you interested.}

An unusually smiley Gwyneth leaving a pub in North London last month:

After screaming belligerently at the staff for hours on end, Britney Spears removed her own IV, packed up her crazy and checked herself out of Cedars-Sinai around 9:15 Saturday morning. And what’s even better than Lithium for treating Brit’s bipolar disorder? Why, booze, sillies! Four out of five doctors¹ recommend it! People magazine reports

The pop star, accompanied by Finalpixx photographer Adnan Ghalib since a few hours after her release, popped into the Daily Grill in Palm Desert around 10 a.m. Sunday. Spears shielded herself behind large, dark sunglasses and “had a champagne mimosa to drink,” says the restaurant’s manager. “She seemed in a really good mood, laughing with the guy she was with.”

She stayed at the restaurant about an hour.

Britney Spears is one shrubbery fort and a pair of incisors away from becoming this decade’s Margot Kidder. Minus the savoir-faire and quiet dignity, of course. But that’s where the booze comes into play. Nothing classes up a dame like a case of Natty Light or a nice handle of Kentucky Bourbon. That’s why they call it “Finishing School in a Bottle.” Or maybe that was “finish school and get off the goddamn bottle you insufferable disappointment.” It was sometimes hard to understand what my dad was saying over the sound of my own vomit.

¹_{Dr. Dre, Dr. No, Dr. Feelgood, and the Groove Doctors, respectively}

More of Britney in the ambulance Thursday night: