Despite rumors that her pregnancy complications would require a c-section, OK! Magazine is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth naturally to 7 lbs. 11 oz Maddie Briann yesterday morning. All of Jamie’s family were there for the birth, including “daddy” Casey Aldridge, who managed to secure several days paternity leave from his work. And what does Casey do, exactly? I’m glad you asked. According to the AP

Casey Aldridge [is] a pipe-layer from Liberty, Mississippi.

What a small world! My husband is a pipe-layer, too. In fact, he laid some serious pipe last night! Woo! I’m going to be walking around like a cowboy for the next 24 hours. You know, because of the rickets. Well, what did you think I was talking about? Jesus, you guys are such perverts. It’s not all dick humor and gay jokes around here, you know. Sometimes I also talk about poop. Let’s try to keep it classy for once.

Aunt Britney visiting in Kentwood:

Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly undergoing a C-section today due to pregnancy complications. The National Enquirer says

The 17 year-old’s ultrasound last week [indicated] her baby may be in breech position. Britney and her father Jamie left Los Angeles Wednesday morning on a commercial flight to join Jamie Lynn. The baby is a girl.

Jamie Lynn’s grandmother was surprised to discover the baby was breech. “But she done did ev’rything right!” her grandmother was quoted as saying. “She din’t wear no high heels so’uns the baby won’t be borned crosseyed. She din’t never look at a snake an’ always carried a acorn in her pockit for good luck. It just don’t make no sense!” She then told me Jamie Lynn could cure warts by buying them for a dollar and that I shouldn’t go barefoot without my longhandles before May 10.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Every last one of those is a real mountian superstition. Viva Appalachia!

UPDATE: Us Weekly is reporting that Jamie Lynn gave birth this morning to a baby girl name Maddie.

At Wal-Mart May 30th:

Big sis Britney Spears flew home to Louisiana to attend a baby shower for Jamie Lynn Spears on Saturday. It was — as expected — a high-falutin, super-classy affair, with lots of clouds of carbon monoxide and chemical additives courtesy of Britney. People Magazine reports

About 30 guests were invited to Kentwood for a ladies-only, catered celebration for the 17-year-old at the family’s Serenity mansion. Mom Lynne and fiancé Casey Aldridge’s mother lent a hand. “We all sat in a circle and she opened gifts and thanked every person. It was just a good old fashioned baby shower.

The talk of the shower, though, was Britney’s gift. Her gift came without boxes or bows. It was a gift of the heart, handwritten on notebook paper held together with Scotch tape. I proudly present to you “Britney Spears’ Top Ten New Mama Tips For Jamie Lynn.” Enjoy.

10. Don’t titty-feed or your nipples’ll get as big as fuckin dinner plates

9. If’n you lay ‘em on their bellies, you don’t have ta hear ‘em holler so much

8. Formula ain’t the same as heavy whippin cream, so don’t never use it on pie

7. Ya can smoke while you’re feedin ‘em as long as ya point yer cigarette the other way

6. Tin foil makes a good toy cuz it’s cheap an shiny and the little ‘uns like shiny

5. Don’t NEVER micrawave babies. Just use a towel.

4. If’n it shits in the crib, you can put them in a dog carrier until the housekeepers git there

3. Babies can’t breathe underwater like they do in the movies

2. Only drive with ‘em in yer lap if’n there’s no one around to take yer pitcher

and the number one piece of advice from big sis Britney:

1. Don’t never hold ‘em hostage when it’s time to hand ‘em over to your ex-husband

A visibly pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears celebrated the big one-seven with fiancé Casey Aldridge in Mississippi this weekend. People Magazine says

Spears, who is pregnant with Aldridge’s child, took in a quiet dinner with Aldridge at [a Liberty, Mississippi Ruby Tuesday's]. They then went to Wal-Mart, where Spears looked at sleeping bags.

Pregnant teen with G.E.D. at a discount department store — that’s practically every cliché in the book! I’m waiting for Jeff Foxworthy to add “… then you might be a redneck” and Gretchen Wilson to chime in with a “Hell yeah.” I hope Jamie wanted a lifetime of anniversary cartons of cigarettes and Christmases filled with Craftsman Truck Series race tickets, because that’s damn sure what she’s getting.

It’s nice to see that Jamie Lynn Spears has finally chinned up. All three of them. When asked for comment, she said, “Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage!” Perhaps multiple chins are the true source of Jedi mind trick immunity.

As of last month, Jamie Lynn Spears is the proud owner of one bonafide high school equivilancy diploma. A friend of the family tells People Magazine

“She’s already got her diploma. She wants to take her ACT. She’s not wasting any time. Everybody is so supportive of her.”

Yep, a future just doesn’t get any brighter than “pregnant teen with a GED.” According to all those commercials that come on between Divorce Court and Springer, Jamie Lynn now has an exciting future ahead of her as a welder, electronic systems technician, medical assistant, paralegal, or many more! And also, if she has been recently injured or diagnosed with an illness, she should contact the law offices of Bart Durham to see if she is entitled to compensation for her injuries. “Justice is your right… and we DEMAND it!” Representing the Injured and Disabled for Over 50 Years.

Jamie house-hunting with her mom last week:

Well, I’m back, boys and girls! Thanks for all the kind words and concerned emails during my absence. And also the liter bottles of gin on my doorstep. I don’t know how the hell you found out where I live, and though terrifying, I appreciate the gesture nonetheless. You guys are the best!

And now, without further ado — Jamie Lynn Spears is a trailer trash whorebag! God, it feels good to be back! According to Star magazine

The Zoey 101 star has often cheated on Casey, the 18-year-old she has identified as the father of her child. “I know for a fact that Casey was not the first guy she slept with — or the last,” says one fellow teen in Kentwood, La. “There were at least two others. I know that 110 percent.”

Just days before announcing her pregnancy in December, Jamie Lynn shocked a boy at a party by asking him for sex. “It’s cool, I’m pregnant,” she said. “I can’t get pregnant again!”

That’s quite possibly the skankiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. And that’s a real feat, considering all the COPS and Springer reruns I watch when I’m supposed to be out looking for a job. In a distant second and third: “I already spit out all the other dude’s cum” and “You can’t get pregnant from doin’ it in the butt.”

Jamie still being a pregnant tramp last week:

Nickelodeon has decided against working statutory rape turned teenage pregnancy into their hit television series “Zoey 101,” which means Jamie Lynn Spears can officially kiss all but porn and shitty infomercials good-bye. London’s The Sun reports

The show starring Britney Spears’ pregnant little sister has been axed, TV Biz can reveal. The fourth and final season has already been filmed — with two episodes that will see the end of US schoolgirl Zoey. And a show source further revealed: “Nickelodeon bosses are still undecided whether to air season four or not. For now it looks like it has been canned.”

Give it five or ten years and then be on the lookout for the following titles:

UPDATE: TV Guide and several other sources are now claiming the show has NOT been canceled. Unfortunately, same goes for “I, Carly” and “Tak and the Power of Juju.”

The National Enquirer was the first to break the news that Jaimie Lynn Spears was pregnant back in July of this year, well before Tuesday’s surprise announcement. Her flak’s response to the Enquirer’s article was a hilariously sanctimonious cease-and-desist letter touting her moral infallibility and unquestionable chasteness (excerpts below):

Ms. Spears is a devout Christian with a spotless reputation who lives in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards in accordance with her faith

Re: living out of wedlock with her teenage boyfriend, just like in the Bible.

There is no “rumor concerning Ms. Spears’ pregnancy, except… for the baseless rumor being created by the National Enquirer.

Why don’t you just slap Jesus across the face already with your lies.

Ms. Spears is not pregnant.

But if she were, ever heard of “virgin birth?” Check the gospels. It happens.

It is pathetic for the National Enquirer to… run a malicious and false story which would be emotionally devastating to a morally upright 16 year old girl

Or morally on-her-back 16 year old girl.

Ms. Spears demands the National Enquirer immediately cease and desist from spreading false and malicious rumors she is pregnant and… be reprimanded for [its] improper and illegal conduct.

Speaking of illegal, isn’t a 19 year old knocking up a 16 year old illegal in most states?

You can read the entire letter here, or you can stand in front of an open oven and imagine you’re at the threshold of the fiery gates of hell. It’s pretty much the same thing.

Jamie before she was pregnant:

It would seem that Britney was unaware of sister Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy, because there’s video footage last night of her dismissing the paparazzi’s claims with a “My sister’s not pregnant. Whatever.” In her defense, Britney probably learned of her own pregnancy via the paparazzi and said the same thing. One person who did know? The company publishing mother Lynne Spears’ guide to parenting. According to People Magazine

“The book has been delayed indefinitely,” says a spokeswoman for Thomas Nelson, which publishes inspirational books and Bibles. It had been scheduled for a spring 2008 release and was put on hold [after] news hit that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn is pregnant with her boyfriend’s child.

I’m guessing Thomas Nelson finally recognized the tremendous waste of publishing a Lynne Spears guide to parenting. It’s the same reason nobody jumped at the chance to publish Quasimodo’s “Musings on Orthopedics” or Dog the Bounty Hunter’s “Field Guide to Racial Relations.” Most people are doing a pretty good job fucking up their kids on their own.

Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn Spears announced yesterday that she’s pregnant. Suck on that, all you who said she’d always live in her sister’s shadow! According to People

Spears and her mother confirmed the pregnancy, saying she was 12 weeks along and the father is Jamie Lynn’s longtime boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Aldridge’s mother confirmed it to TMZ. “It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected,” Jamie Lynn told OK!. “I was in complete and total shock and so was he. I was scared, but I had to do what was right for me.”

Mother Lynne Spears had this to say:

“I didn’t believe it because Jamie Lynn’s always been so conscientious… She’s never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby.”

Jamie Lynn is the star of “Zoey 101,” one of Nickelodeon’s highest-rated shows. The studio execs issued the following statement:

“We respect Jamie Lynn’s decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn’s well being.”

Read: That’s the sound of your career going straight down the shitter.

Boy, the trailer park apple doesn’t fall far from the proverbial white trash tree, does it? Now we just wait for her to shave herself bald, put on about fifty pounds and flap her beaver all around town in clothing two sizes too small. If it weren’t blasphemous and an insult to Baby Jesus, I’d say this was almost some kind of Christmas miracle. But it doesn’t exactly take the hand of the Lord to keep some teenage jerk off from pulling out in time or putting on a rubber. If it doesn’t have to do with smoting or a forty year constitutional in the desert, the hand of the Lord is usually noticeably absent ’round these parts. Unless you’ve got money on the Cubs or live in the panhandle of Florida, of course. Then the Lord’s hand has suckerpunched you in the kidneys more times than you can count.