Although Beyoncé’s camp adamently denies it, rumors that the “Bootylicious” singer is pregnant have been swirling since her impromptu marriage to Jay-Z last month. Star Magazine says

Friends of the newlyweds tell the New York Post’s Page Six column that the couple is infanticipating their first child. “She has gained a lot of pregnancy weight,” a source tells Page Six. “When she gains weight, she normally does the Def Jam detox, but not now.”

Well, if it’s true, the pregnancy ought to go swimmingly, since Beyonce is apparently an old pro at getting knocked up. Nine MSN says

Gossip site Bossip.com has published the photo [above], showing a young girl who looks a lot like Beyonce nursing a pregnant belly.The pic, sent in by a Bossip.com reader, is alleged to be Beyonce at 15 years of age.

Is it really Beyonce? I don’t know. All I know is it’s clearly a black female in the height of nineties fashion who vaguely resembles a young Mrs. Jay-Z. Of course, Geraldo Rivera vaguely resembles Beyonce if you tilt your monitor back 45 degrees and squint your eyes from about fifty paces. Look, I’m only here to conjecture wildly and speculate. If it’s “facts” and “credibility” you want, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place, baby. We all know I’ve never been one to look after I wipe.

A very definitely pregnant Nicole Kidman in Nashville May 11th:

They’ve been married for all of 14 days now, and the honeymoon is already over for Beyonce and Jay-Z. According to The Mirror

The newlyweds have had their first lovers’ tiff. It kicked off at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. [Jay-Z] climbed on stage [and started] rapping over a few songs. The DJ slapped on one of Beyonce’s biggest hits, Crazy In Love. Jay-Z… stormed to the mic and growled “Fuck that. Sorry, Bey, but fuck that - let’s play something else.”

Furious, Bey stalked off. After he came off stage, she confronted him, demanding to know what the hell his comments had been about. She was gesturing wildly and not looking happy.

Ah, marriage. That special union that makes his formerly cute little habit of winking seem like a fucking Tourettes’ tic and his penchant for leaving wet towels in the floor a direct assault on your emotional well-being. Like Katherine Hepburn once said, “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”

Though there has yet to be any official confirmation, singer Beyonce Knowles and her boyfriend of six years, rapper Jay-Z, were reportedly married Friday night in New York. The bride wore a white V-neck gown and a white flower in her hair, keeping theme with an all-white ceremony that included guests Gwyneth Paltrow, her husband Chris Martin, and former Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams. Noticeably absent: The Game, Mase, and Nas. According to OK! Magazine

The ceremony was followed by a lavish party at Jay-Z’s penthouse apartment in NYC’s Tribeca neighborhood, decorated with white orchids and the number ‘4,’ signifying the birthday number Beyonce and Jay-Z both share (Beyonce in September, Jay-Z in December). 60,000 custom-designed white orchid blooms [were flown in] from Thailand for the ceremony.

The only thing more boring than this? The Dewey Decimal system, televised bass fishing, and the interpretive dance version of “Lost in Translation.”

G to the izz-O, P to the izz-A big pimpin at the reception:

Rapper Jay-Z and singer Beyonce are finally ready to tie the knot. Blah blah getting married blah blah zzzzzz. People magazine says

Beyoncé Knowles and longtime beau Jay-Z have taken out a marriage license in Scarsdale, N.Y.. According to a source, the pair obtained a license Tuesday morning. The document is valid for 60 days.

In other more interesting news, Lindsay Lohan took a nose-picking constitutional around Beverly Hills with DJ Samantha Ronson yesterday. You know that old saying — you can pick your friends, and your can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your lesbian enabler’s nose! Unless she’s letting a couple of chunks of coke go to waste up there, in which case it’s your civic duty to help yourself to the leftovers. They don’t call it the Law of Conservation of Mass for nothin’.

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