John Mayer gave his version of why he and Jennifer Aniston are no longer together in a rambling, incoherent diatribe to the paparazzi on Saturday. He blathered to OK! Magazine

“There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. People have different chemistry, they have different lives. It’s not about years, it’s about going out with somebody, being truthful on the way in, being truthful in the middle and being truthful on the way out. You’re either a cheater or you break up and I’m not the first, I’m the second. And that’s it. There’s no lying, there’s no [bullshit].

I ended a relationship because there was no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time. I don’t do the taper. It’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.

Jen’s response? There isn’t one. In conflict management they call that “the high road.” In Abby management they call it “monster pussdom.” A close friend of Jen’s told MSNBC

“[She'll] never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. [His] childish behavior only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child.

He has [this strange] relationship with certain paparazzi (and) bloggers. He tips them off. He loves the attention. Jen didn’t want to believe it was happening, but it was, and she has no tolerance for that. We’re talking about a guy who had a car waiting to take him home in New York, but he chose to walk so he could talk to the press (along the way).

[Plus], Jen was tired of paying for everything. Cobwebs come flying out of (Mayer’s) wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. … Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

Jennifer Aniston might be an useless wad of insecurity and neediness, but at least she’s not John fucking Mayer. That guy definitely takes the douche cake. And then probably douches with it for double douche-ocity. It’s hard to believe someone could actually suck that much with out being part Flowbee.

Single and loving it August 14th:

There’s something different about Jennifer Aniston these days. Can you guess what it is? Hint: it rhymes with nips. Coincidence? I think not. Palm Beach-based cosmetic dermatologist Kenneth Beer, M.D. tells Star Magazine

“There is definitely a difference in the volume and shape of [Jennifer Aniston's] lips. The two peaks of the upper portion of her lip underneath the nose look more prominent and well-defined. Also, the facial line on the right side of her smile is pretty much gone.”

With the surgically-enhanced lips, the shaved-down nose, and the anti-cellulite spa-sculpting treatments, Jennifer Aniston is well on her way to being a whole new woman. And once they finally perfect that pesky personality implant, she might actually be able to hold on to a man for more than fifteen minutes! I hear they’re really making amazing advances with science these days.

Jen’s new lips keep her company on the UCLA campus yesterday:

After being “on a break” for more than three weeks, Jennifer Aniston has finally been dumped by boyfriend John Mayer. A source told The Mirror

“There’s been a bit of tension for some time. They initially opted for a break, hoping a trial split might make them stronger. John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Jen [wanted] to set a timetable for their future together [and] wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.

Initially, Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she’s simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken.

Well, if it’s any consolation, John seems to be a little heartbroken himself. Rush and Molloy say

John Mayer [has] been crying his eyes out over his apparent split with Jennifer Aniston. His makeup artist had to use PerriconeMD’s Advanced Eye Area Therapy because the rocker’s eyes were puffy.

There was no official word as to whether they used Always with Wings^TM or Tampax Pearl^TM to wipe away his tears, but either way, you can bet it was super faggy and smelled like panty liners.

Jennifer living the single life at Foxtail in Hollywood August 7th:

What in God’s holy name happened to Jennifer Aniston’s hair? Either the humidity in L.A. is hovering around 90%, or Oscar Blandi silk polishing cream was all sold out again at Barney’s. That’s the sort of hair that gets nationally syndicated radio talk show hosts fired. I don’t know whether to try to comb it or throw it a rawhide and hope it doesn’t bite me.

It’s summer in Beverly Hills in these pictures, despite Jennifer Aniston’s nipples suggesting it’s early winter in the Yukon. Just another good reason not to gauge the weather by looking at Jennifer Aniston’s boobs. You’d wear a parka and ski hat every goddamn day if you went by her tits alone. For a real idea of the weather outside, look to Cisco Adler’s ball sac. It’s second only to the Farmer’s Almanac and Dopplar radar in terms of meteorological accuracy!

Since she started dating 30 year-old John Mayer, 39 year-old Jennifer Aniston has dropped nearly twenty grand a month on maintaining a youthful visage. The Enquirer says

“Her monthly regimen includes private instruction with a top yoga guru and personal training sessions. Jen pays a private chef for organic, high-protein, low-fat meals [and] goes for anti-cellulite sculpting treatments twice a month. She calls the treatments ‘necessary tune-ups.”

But all those tune-ups might not be doing the trick. Just two days before Jen flew to Amsterdam to meet Mayer, the singer was busy cheesing up some chick in a Dutch coffeehouse. According to In Touch

On June 20, John approached a writer from Manhattan Beach and sat beside her at her table. “I think he thought I was from Amsterdam, because he said, ‘I am John and I am a singer.’ I asked him what his relationship status was. He said, ‘It’s vague.’ I asked him what that meant and he said, ‘You know, it’s very vague.’ What she did say is that John was acting very much like a single man. “I never would have guessed he had a girlfriend at all. ”

Anti-cellulite spa sculpting treatments: $1,000. Thrice-weekly yoga session with top Hollywood guru: $3,000. Organic high-protein meals flown in by your personal chef: $3,500. Finding out your boyfriend cheated on you with some slut in fourteen dollars’ worth of Wet ‘n’ Wild from Walgreens: priceless. There are somethings that money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s actual self-esteem.

Nippin’ out in West Hollywood yesterday:

Jennifer Aniston stalked snapped pictures of boyfriend John Mayer as he performed at the Hard Rock Calling Festival in Hyde Park on Saturday. According to Us Weekly

“Jennifer must have taken about 10 photos during Mayer’s set,” [says] a source. When Mayer exited the stage, Aniston “wrapped her arms around his neck.”

What do you want to bet those pictures end up in a shrine along with a lock of his hair, a gris-gris, and the womb of a white rabbit soaked in rainwater? Jennifer’s going to be pregnant by the end of the year. Mark my words, people.

Cameron Diaz sparked engagement rumors yesterday after being photographed with a huge diamond ring on her wedding finger. According to the Daily Mail

The actress appeared to flash the dazzling ring at photographers as she left the Nobu restaurant in Santa Monica yesterday, indicating that her relationship with new beau Paul Sculfor may have taken a more serious turn.

So Cameron is possibly engaged to Jennifer Aniston’s ex (Paul Sculfor), and Jennifer Aniston is currently dating Cameron’s ex (John Mayer). You don’t usually get that kind of swapping action without a couple of eight year olds and a deck of Pokémon cards. Active cards: Cameron and Jennifer — Type: Poison; Hit points:6; Strengths: big nose; Weaknesses: desperation and insecurity; Evolution: actress. And no fair using Birthday Pikachu, either. Wizards of the Coast banned it from tournament play!

The secret behind Jennifer Aniston’s smile these days is a little industry phenomenon known as “John Mayer’s wiener.” A friend of Mayer’s told OK! Magazine:

“John is good in bed. Not just good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I’m not sure what exactly he does, but after girls sleep with him, they’re ruined. Whatever John’s secret is, he should market it. He could retire from the music industry.”

So Johnny boy has some signature moves, huh? Well, I have a few signature moves of my own. Like pulling up my pants and apologizing, for starters. Or clamping my hand over my mouth with my eyes squeezed shut and shaking my head back and forth while dry-heaving. Call me, boys!

If you aren’t sufficiently sunburned and hungover from your Memorial Day weekend, allow me to make you hurt a different way: I present Jennifer Aniston’s and John Mayer’s sex life, in gruesome detail! Get ready for it to start burning when you pee. A source tells Star Magazine

The singer covers [Jennifer] with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps. John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing. He [is] kinky.”

Kinky my ass. “Kinky” is a zippered gimp mask, a couple of two-by-fours and a trapeze that doubles as a pillory, not Reddi-Whip and the trial-size bottle of warming personal lubricant that came free inside a box of Always with Wings. I liked that kind of erotic adventure better back in ‘86 when it was called “9 1/2 Weeks” and didn’t have a blues-roots-meets-pop sound and a feathered pompadour.

On the set of “Marley and Me” with Owen Wilson:

Jessica Simpson is handling the news of ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s new relationship with Jennifer Aniston the way most of the dumped do — drinking herself retarded and calling for mom. According to Us Weekly

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina… that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home (for good measure, [best friend] CaCee Cobb threw up under the table).

She’s on the right track with boozing and everything, but if she really wants to punish him good, the trick is to also fuck a lot of random dudes. Really, the more dudes the better. Two at once, if you can. His best friend. His boss. That guy he plays ball with on the weekends. Then get a registered firearm and threaten to kill yourself after shooting out his front tires at two in the morning. Believe me, if there’s one thing guys like, it’s drama. I’ve been married three times, so I should know.

Jennifer Aniston and singer John Mayer were seen sharing a romantic lunch at Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in Miami over the weekend. Granted, this has Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction-y stank all over it, but Jen’s just desperate enough to make it believable. According to OK! Magazine

During their 90-minute meal, Jen, ordered the chopped chicken salad while John, 30, enjoyed a Serrano ham sandwich. The… two shared a chocolale and peanut butter layered dessert. Later that evening, the two met up for dinner at Casa Tua on South Beach.

Sounds like love is on the menu for these two sexy stars!

All I know is if some guy in coveralls tells you “love is on the menu tonight,” you need to find some Vaseline and whiskey pronto. And also, saying “love is in the air” is way funnier than saying “whoever smelt it dealt it.” Words to live by, my friends! Words to live by.

Jen on the set of “Marley and Me:”