JLo and husband Marc Anthony have secured the rights to their own reality show on The Learning Channel. Ten bucks says she’ll still find a way to work in a wind machine and video retouching. According to the NY Daily News

The show will “deliver a slice of [Lopez's] life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first-time mom,” [the] TLC President said.

Lopez will finance and produce the show, which is under development and has no launch date yet.

“Reality” show my ass. Reality is not you in four hours in hair and makeup and perma-cooing, immaculately attired babies nestled in the crooks of your arms. Reality is you 36 hours unshowered with baby barf in your hair, staggering around the nursery at three in the morning to find the GD binky that fell out of its mouth without turning on the lights and really waking it up and then almost breaking your ankle on one of those stupid Leap Frog toys that springs to life with an animated version of “Old McDonald” at what appears to be 120 decibels. I’m betting JLo’s new show will showcase as much reality as an episode of “The Hills.”

At Shine A Light at the Ziegfeld Theater last month

The good folks at RADAR online have come across the must-have item for your gossip junkie/pervert loser: celebrity-themed blow up sex dolls! For only $29.95, you, too, can have a go at Dirty Christina, JHo, Crazy Daisy (Jessica Simpson in “Dukes of Hazzard”), Lindsay Fully Loaded, Eva Longwhoria, or the Paris Love Doll. Where do I sign up? Interestingly, the manufacturer was only disappointed with one doll in the collection. He tells RADAR

The one I’m not happy with is Paris, which didn’t come out well.

Probably because it has twice the IQ of the real Paris and is missing the herpes simplex virus. How is a guy supposed to believe he’s porking Paris Hilton if he doesn’t finish with a bout with genital blisters and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing? It’s probably too late to market the sense of shame separately. It’s not like shame’s a big a seller¹ to begin with. Unless you’re the Roman Catholic church, of course, in which case shame funds nearly 80% of your adjusted gross income annually.

¹_{I know my “Pictures of Your Mom Naked” in a Can^TM wasn’t nearly the blockbuster I’d hoped it be.}

LSFW plastic celebrity harem:

Jennifer Lopez, never one to shy away from outrageous and ridiculous demands (White flowers. White tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise!), is taking “diva status” to a whole new level with her upcoming People Magazine baby shoot. According to TMZ

Not only has Jennifer Lopez sold her baby pics to People mag for a cool $6 mil — she got the mag to agree to stop calling her JLo! JLo [also insisted] that her hubby Marc Anthony be the one to shoot the photos.

… Thereby assuring that the undersigned Jennifer Lopez, hereby referred to on this site as “JLo,” “J-Ho” and “J-Blow,” respectively, assumes all responsibility for actual, consequential, incidental, special or exemplary damages resulting from, caused by or associated with such a stupid fucking useless demand in the first place.

Jennifer Lopez finally revealed the names of her twins to People Magazine on Friday — they’re calling them Max and Emme. Sound familiar? Max and Emme are also the names of the little Latino brother and sister on PBS’ Dragon Tales. How original. Other names the Lopez-Anthonys considered before ripping off PBS Kids:

10. Clifford and Emily Elizabeth

9. Bert and Ernie

8. Anthony and Jeff

7. Barney and Baby Bop

6. Scoop and Roley

5. Thomas and Claribel

4. King Friday and Mr. McFeely

3. Dora and Boots

2. Christopher Robin and Piglet

and the number one kids show character rip-off considered by the Lopez-Anthonys:

1. Tinky Winky and Po

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hosting a $200,000 ‘Welcome to the World’ (their words, not mine) party to celebrate the birth of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s twins. According to Female First

A source said: “Tom and Katie are thrilled for Jennifer and Marc and have offered to throw a Welcome to the World bash for the twins next month.” The party at Tom and Katie’s Los Angeles home will have a pink and blue theme and guests expected to attend include John Travolta, Eva Longoria Parker and David and Victoria Beckham.

With a price tag of 200 grand, you can expect plenty of super-fun Scientology party games like “Pin the Repressed Memory on the E-Meter,” “How Many Invisible Thetans in This Jar?” and my personal favorite, “Silent Music-less Chairs.” It’s sure to be a very un-glib time for everyone involved!

Jennifer “Chins” Lopez finally gave birth this morning to twins — a boy and a girl. According to People Magazine

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. “Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” [says] Lopez’s manager.

I bet the nurses promptly doused the twins with tabasco and rolled them in peppercorn so Marc Anthony wouldn’t gobble them down the first chance he got. Trolls don’t care for the muy picante. That’s why you’ll never find any trolls eating Indian people. In fact, the only thing a troll hates more than a spicy baby is a baby covered in Marshmallow Peeps and coconut, which is why Easter is actually one of the most troll-free holidays around. It also explains why you never see Kirsten Dunst swinging an basket full of brightly colored eggs and candy anywhere she goes. You can’t argue with the facts, man.

People Magazine is rumored to have paid six million dollars for the rights to publish the exclusive first pics of JLo’s twins here in the U.S., but OK! magazine was only interested in securing the international publishing rights for the shots of the babies. Why would a tabloid magazine giant pass on the publishing rights to the largest tabloid market in the world? Well, to be honest, because Jennifer Lopez sucks. MSNBC says

One magazine industry insider said that frankly, Lopez’ appeal in the U.S. isn’t as broad as many people — including Lopez — would like to think. “Look at her track record with her movies, and look at her album sales. The U.S. market hasn’t been fascinated with her in some time. It makes more sense to not spend a fortune on photos that won’t cause a noticeable increase on the newsstand. This just isn’t going to sell like Shiloh (Jolie-Pitt), and $6 million is a lot of money.”

I remember a time when Bennifer was king and Britney Spears wasn’t on the cover of ever tabloid magazine known to man. Jenny From The Block’s manufactured dance tunes played on every pop music radio station and you couldn’t turn around without being slapped in the face with a new JLo fragrance or clothing venture. Like Dickens said, it was the worst of times. That’s why I always refer to 2001 as “The Year of the Devil.” That, and it’s the same year George Bush came into office and they canceled “Cleopatra 2525” and “The Tick.” That’s got the stink of Satan all over it.

Model Ana Beatriz Barros modeling for JLo’s accessory line because JLo is fat and boring:

Look out, Heidi Fleiss — there’s a new pimp in town, and her name’s Jennifer Lopez! Our Jenny from the Block has reportedly scheduled her c-section around the weekly tabloids’ deadlines, ensuring she and her new babies land the front covers of all the gossip mags. Pimp hard, pimp harder! MSNBC reports

J.Lo will be receiving two special valentines: namely, her twin babies, who are [scheduled for delivery] on Thursday, Feb. 14. A source close to Lopez said Valentine’s Day is the date she’s been focused on since the beginning of her pregnancy. “She didn’t just like it because of the obvious correlation, which is sweet, but [because] it … would easily make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers.”

The source said that Lopez [wants] to have the first photo shoot in one of the three nurseries she’s had designed by Petit Tresor. “She spent over $120,000 on them,” said the source. All of them include cribs, changing tables and armoires imported from France and England, “some [with] 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs. The rooms will even have crystal chandeliers.”

The good thing about twins is there’s two of them, which means twice as many locks of hair and placentas and fingernail clippings to sell on eBay. But don’t think the pimpin’ stops after the birth. Oh, no. By the time they’re teenagers, J. Lo’s going to be drawing track marks on her son’s arms with an eyeliner pencil and stuffing a pillow up her daughter’s shirt and then pimping them out to highest bidder. “No, no, no — you gotta look pregnant! Now Marc, Jr., wait for the photographers to show and then put that cigarette out on your arm. Can you make yourself throw up? Dammit, hijitos, the tabloids don’t pay for pictures of straight-A students! You got to give ‘em some scandal! Did you remember to take off your panties, Princesa? Now go on, git! And make mama proud!” I’d say they’ve got a good twenty or so years before they’re of no use to mommy’s bank account.

Pimpa Licious at the Marchesa show on Wednesday:

Jennifer Lopez and all three of her chins lumbered down the black carpet last night at the “Night To Benefit Raising Malawi & Unicef” charity gala hosted by Madonna and Gucci at the U.N. headquarters in New York. To be fair, she’s pregnant with twins, but it’s not like she’s supposed to be carrying them in her neck fat. And with all that face paint on, it’s hard to look anywhere else. It’s like Porky Pig had his makeup done by a street gang of Mexican girls. She got the lip liner right, but a tear tattoo on the outside corner of her eye and gel-slicked ponytail with a scrunchie would have really authenticated the look. As would a pair of acid-washed jeans and a switch blade. Jenny from the Block needs to brush up on her chola style before her carnalas in the barrio call her out for being a sell-out buster. From womb to tomb, hynas!

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have decided to follow in the silent footsteps of fellow Scientologist Katie Holmes when it comes to birthing their baby. London’s The Sun says

Jennifer Lopez [will be] giving birth naturally, quiet, and free from painkillers. J-Lo and husband Marc Anthony are keen followers of [Scientology and believe] that loud hospital environments and doctor’s shouts of ‘push push’ can have damaging effects on a newborn later in life. A pal of the 38-year-old [said]: “Although she knows it will be hard not to scream, she understands why it will be good for the baby to have peace and quiet.”

Perhaps more than her maternal screams possibly scarring the infant, J-Lo should consider the life-long impact of being snatched up in the sinewy arms of that hobgoblin they call “Marc Anthony.” The doctor might as well chuck the baby in a ransacked grave and see how it bonds with a partially-exhumed corpse or let it cuddle with a sewer rat for a couple of hours. Not that the idea of silence in and of itself is so bad. In fact, I’d even go as far to say a totally silent JLo/Marc Anthony album is damn near brilliant. It’s really more about getting the silence timing right.

Silent birther Katie Holmes doing her best middle-aged elementary school secretary last week:

Those rumors that Jennifer Lopez is expecting both a boy and a girl in February have been confirmed via her excessive gift registry at the L.A. baby boutique Petit Tresor. Rush and Molloy says

What mama wants is pricey.There’s the $349 cashmere outfit, one in pink stripes, one in blue, from Baby CZ. There are two Moses baskets for $225 each, … Smushy teddy bears with pink or blue ribbons for $65 [and a] Balmoral enameled black carriage for a mere $3,495. There’s one $289 suede play mat. The cheapest item is the Adiri Natural Nurser at $22. Lopez wants 10 of those. There’s also a $560 jogging stroller for two. She’s also requested not one but two double Peg Perego strollers for $429 — one in toffee, and one in mint.

She’s having the tastemakers at Petit Tresor design three nurseries for the teeny totlets at the couple’s estates in Bel Air, Fisher Island, and Oyster Bay, says a friend. Lopez is spending $40,000 to outfit each nest, the pal adds, including gilded cribs. “She wants them filled with the most chic furniture from Europe and embroidered linens from France.” In pink and blue, natch.

JLo would be better off investing in cashmere toilet paper, because that’s what the little bastards will use those onesies for. Crap and puke. Every single embroidered linen will be covered it in. And anything not splattered with feces and vomit will be soggy from drool and urine that somehow seeped out of the front of the diaper when you weren’t looking. You might as well invest in angora throws and hand-beaded satin sheets for the frat house and upholster all your incontinent grandparents’ furniture in raw silk with suede accents.

Jennifer at the Movies That Rock in Hollywood earlier this month:

While Jennifer Lopez has been busy pretending she’s not pregnant and promoting her latest crapfest “Brave,” — which barely broke 53,000 copies in its first week, by the way — her label is starting to feel the sting of all the dollars they pissed away on her. MSNBC reports

“She costs too much money and doesn’t sell enough,” says a source close to Epic Records says. “Her last album cover alone cost $60,000 in hair and makeup, lighting, photographers, re-touching, etc. The video budget was in the neighborhood of $300,000.”

And that’s just what it costs to get the album out the door. Lopez performed on “Good Morning America” earlier this month, and “Epic had to eat the cost for that entire performance. From her makeup — which typically costs in the neighborhood of $8,000 per day — to the backup singers, to the rigging, lighting and sound — the woman requires everything short of flying monkeys to get on a stage.” Lopez also appeared on “Dancing With the Stars,” and [the source] estimates that it cost Lopez and her label at least $60,000.

Well, even if her music career is going down the shitter, she still has that acting gig to fall back on, right? Wrong. According to Pages Six

Weeks after her new album tanked and her movie “El Cantante” fell flat, her next film is going straight to video. “Bordertown” - where J. Lo plays a reporter probing the murders of female factory workers in Mexico - will hit video stores in January, reports Moviefone. Co-starring Antonio Banderas, the flick was booed at the Berlin International Film Festival.

Here’s the deal: she had everything just right — safe romantic comedies, bland dance tracks, handsome movie star boyfriend — and then she gets dumped and starts trying to prove herself as a “serious actress” and marries Skeletor and decides she’s going to sing lullabies in Spanish, effectively alienating her preteen Caucasoid demographic without ever truly being embraced by the Latino demographic, because the new Latina Hayneefair sucks bigtime. Has she ever even seen “Sábado Gigante?” First of all, you don’t make it anywhere in the Latin biz without some big fake tits or some seriously big fake tits. Also, spandex is your best friend and a Sharpie doubles as an eyebrow pencil, eyeliner and beauty mark applicator all in one magical package. $4.99 at Office Max is two-thirds of your entire makeup budget right there. Not to mention all the money she could have saved Sony BMG on the production value of her album alone. If she wanted it to sound Spanish, she didn’t even need a bass line in most of the songs. Just kazoos and some tin cans on a string, maybe a little maraca action and a couple of well-timed “ay-yi-yi’s.” And fuck a tour bus! She should have been able to fit her entire entourage plus most of her extended family in a 1974 GMC Vandura. By my calculation that entire transformation should have cost around four hundred and fifty dollars. Next time “Jenny from the Bloque” reinvents herself she needs to do a little more goddamn research.

Hayneefair not being pregnant in LA yesterday: