Jessica Alba finally cranked out her brown baby yesterday. Us Weekly says

Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren have welcomed a baby girl, [Honor Marie Warren]. She was born this weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Eh, who cares. In way more interesting news, Disney’s “High School Musical” star Ashely Tisdale does NOT have the HIV virus. According to Nine MSN

[The] rumor that Ashley Tisdale tested positive to HIV is “completely untrue” says her rep.

Last week a number of online blogs reported that the 22-year-old High School Musical star contracted the virus during a rhinoplasty procedure in 2007… and [now suffers] from AIDS.

Good thing, because it’s pretty hard to make a joke about AIDS. Same goes for jokes about childhood cancers and burn victims. Luckily, making buck teeth and pulling back your eyelids while saying “Me so sowwy! Me likey flied lice!” is always a hit. Even better if you’re wearing a zany tie or a plastic flower that squirts water. Really, burn victims can’t get enough of that shit. Anything with water really seems to crank their tractors.

Very pregnant Alba at the Celebration of Mentoring May 20th:

Jessica Alba married long-time boyfriend and father of her no-longer-bastard child Cash Warren in a civil ceremony in Beverly Hills yesterday. People Magazne says

Warren arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m, applied for a marriage license and waited for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail. Nobody else attended the wedding.

Well, it’s like they say — “Give a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” May their love burn bright the rest of their days! Or until they file for divorce two years down the road due to “irreconcilable differences.”

With her mom last week:

Those rumors that Tom Cruise “auditioned” several Hollywood actresses before choosing Katie Holmes to be his wife have actually been confirmed by a former high-ranking Scientologist. Female First says

[Scientology promotional films producer Marc Headley] reveals, “[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise’ [and] put out a casting call to female actresses saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’ They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s. But in the end no movie was made.

“First they rounded up Scientologist actresses… but they were all rejected. Then they went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait. When she found out [the "audition"] was [being held] at the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out. So they worked the audition bit on Katie and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’”

That’s like thinking you’re the most awesome player on the kickball team ever but then finding out that the captain actually chose you last. And not only did he choose you last, but that the other team took both the smelly kid and the fat kid with the skin condition so they wouldn’t be stuck with you.

In what’s sure to be the short straw draw for the good folks over at Pajiba, singer-turned-actor Justin Timberlake sports a porn-cheese mustache and a bulging crotch for his role in the upcoming cinematic masterpiece “The Love Guru.” But wait — there’s more! According The Daily Mail

In the comedy, which also stars Mike Meyers and Jessica Alba, Justin plays athlete Jacque Grande who steals the wife of a star hockey player. Meyers plays a love guru called Pitka - an American raised outside of his country by gurus - who returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business.

The Love Guru will open in UK cinemas in July.

If they’d just thrown Jessica Simpson and Jack Black into the mix, “The Love Guru” could have probably ascended to the throne currently held by “Little Nicky” and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” It’s got all the key elements: hairy crotches, close-ups of the hairy crotches, Jessica Alba, and bulging hairy crotches. Did I mention the hairy crotches? Ha, ha! It’s funny because his swimming suit is really small, there’s a big bulge where the wiener is supposed to be, and he has a seventies’ mustache. I call that the “trifecta of comedy.” Years from now, this movie will be shown in lecture halls to aspiring film students murmuring aloud with wonderment. “Note the low-angle shot on the crotch!” the professor will say. “Dig deeper! Pubes, yes, good, good! We’ve barely scratched the surface!” That’s also probably about the time the super computers become self-aware and start harvesting our bodies for power. The future’s a pretty bleak place.

Despite Jessica Alba’s gigantic new pregnancy boobs, her film “The Eye” tanked at the box office, taking in only $13 million total over the weekend. By comparison, adult film star Chestica Bulba’s “The Brown Eye” is expected to outperform both “Fantastic Whore: Rise of the Silver Member” and “Good Luck Fuck.” The lesson to be learned from this? There’s no such thing as “too much” anal. Feel free to write that one down.

Jessica at the premiere last Thursday:

For every knocked up actress in L.A. getting engaged, there’s a decade-old Hollywood marriage hitting the skids. The NY Daily News reports

A pregnant Jessica Alba is getting hitched to her baby daddy. Alba, 26, was spotted sporting a sizable rock on her left hand over the holidays and her rep confirmed Thursday she and aspiring producer Cash Warren, 28, are engaged. No date is set for the nuptials and insiders say the pair may hold off until the baby is born.

But then People magazine reports this morning:

Sean Penn and wife Robin Wright Penn are divorcing, their rep, Mara Buxbaum, confirms to People exclusively. No other details were immediately available. The couple, who’ve been married 11 years, have two children together, Hopper Jack, 14, and Dylan Frances, 16.

I’d normally say something about Sean Penn’s anti-American antics being the cause of his divorce, but I recently became an anarchist, so I’m gonna say it has more to do with his mustache. Yikes. As for Alba, well, I predict months of marital bliss before she catches him with an underage Thai boy and a two pounds of hashish. None of it will matter when the Bilderbergs orchestrate the New World Order, anyway. Not even the mustaches. Hope you all wanted police states for Christmas, ’cause that’s what you’re getting! Also probably fruitcake and over-the-limit fees. After all, ’tis the season for credit card debt and conspiracy theories.

Jessica Alba is knocked up with boyfriend Cash Warren’s baby. According to People magazine

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli. Alba, 26, has dated Warren, 28, since the fall of 2004 after they met on the set of The Fantastic Four, on which Warren was a director’s assistant.

I hope somebody grabbed her by the shoulders and slapped her across the face. Hard. Do you realize what you’ve done? You have no other marketable talent other than being hot. None. You make Balky from “Perfect Strangers” seem like Anthony fucking Hopkins in comparison. You wouldn’t inflate a Picasso and rake it over with stretch marks and chapped nipples, would you? Well, it’s precisely the same reason you shouldn’t get knocked up right in the middle of your prime. I hope there was at least a good reason behind all this, like you wanted your boyfriend to propose or you could use the tax credit for drugs or you’re going to need kidney later on down the road. Otherwise, I’m afraid this is just career suicide.

Jessica and the baby daddy mattress shopping this weekend:

I was always under the impression that Spike TV was cable television devoted entirely to the mentally retarded and socially impaired, but it seems in between showings of “Roadhouse” and “Ultimate Fighter Five” they find time to host useless awards shows where Paris Hilton gets booed. Sold and sold, my friend! So here she is at the Spike Scream 2007 Awards, which I know sounds like something the vegetative catatonic might enjoy, but it’s worth watching just for the audible boos when she takes the mike. All that’s missing is a roundhouse kick to her face. Really, if “Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling Impact” has taught me anything, it’s that the Blizzard Suplex and the Camel Clutch should be employed at every opportunity — consecutively if possible — by a overly-tanned woman with enormous breast implants and a man in brightly colored lycra pants. Yep, you can practically smell the Emmy’s from here!

Paris and her fake silicone insert hanging out of her dress:

Infinitely more attractive Jessica Alba and Megan Fox at the same event:

Paul Walker, who shared the screen with Jessica Alba in last year’s “Into the Blue”, tells Complex magazine:

“Come on, dude, you know what I’m looking at. I couldn’t take my eyes off that ass. I’m sorry. She’s beautiful. And she’s such a pain in my ass, too. But that’s what I love about her. She’s the kind of girl you just want to have angry sex with for the rest of your life because it’s just that good.”

Damn. I just couldn’t have said it better myself.

See what Paul is talking about after the jump (possibly NSFW).

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