Another one of Joe Simpson’s Stellar Ideas^TM has come back to bite Jessica Simpson in the ass — this time, in the form of a workout video. According to Page Six

In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company. Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well.

I don’t see what the big deal is. Jessica Simpson bending and squatting in spandex is probably the best idea Joe Simpson ever had. Bonus: we don’t have to watch her “act” or see that impacted-feces face she makes when she sings. We just get to watch her breasts jiggle as she struggles to count backwards from ten. “Seven, six, seven — no, I mean six, seven, eight… dammit, this is hard! Which was is left? I have a hard booger in my nose! I thought you said ‘anal seafood!’ And eight, nine, ten!” That Jane Fonda’s got nothin’ on Jessica Simpson.

Jessica leaving the Waverly Inn in New York January 30th:

After a romantic date at Il Sole Monday night, quarterback Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson hit up the “Metal Skool” karaoke night at Key Club in L.A. Us Weekly says

The Dallas Cowboys quarterback [took] the stage. Romo’s pick: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” As he belted out the hit, Simpson alternated between kissing him on the cheek, wrapping her arms around him and staring dreamily into his eyes. “He was singing directly to her — and she was on cloud nine,” a witness there told Us.

Wow. The only way that guy gets any douchier is if he single-handedly destroyed the Cowboy’s chance at Superbowl-dom and his last name rhymed with “homo.” Oh, wait…

A couple of drunk Jess climbing into Homo’s SUV and some candids at LAX over the weekend:

Star quarterback Tony Romo has finally comes to his senses and wants out of his relationship with Jessica Simpson and her creepy dad. OK! magazine says

On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. “He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of the singer tells OK!. “‘Tony has finally started to realize how high-maintenance Jessica is. We’re talking diva status. She comes with an entourage, and that includes her dad, Joe Simpson.”

But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up. “‘Just friends’ is not in Jessica’s vocabulary. She knows how bad this will look in the media.”

Nothing warms a man’s a heart like desperation. In fact, when it comes to relationships, ladies, your ticket to lifelong happiness with a man centers almost exclusively around the ability to cling with a leech-like tenacity. Of course, if that isn’t working, you could always try anal. It has an almost 74% retention rate, even higher when coupled with a willingness to participate in threesomes and home videos. Signing over your paychecks and the title to your car works great, too. Then you can pull out the big guns and get yourself knocked up and start planning your wedding. It’s as good as an engagement ring, and he doesn’t even have to borrow your credit card to buy it!

Jessica in West Hollywood last week:

Jessica Simpson’s fans turned out in droves for the limited theater release of her latest film “Blonde Ambition.” “Droves,” of course, from the Latin meaning “less than 200.” Page Six reports

Her latest, “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy with fellow Texan Luke Wilson, was headed straight to DVD release when the bosses at Nu Image and Millennium Films decided to give it a limited Christmas run. Bad mistake: The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

$1,332, eh? Let’s break down exactly how many people took in this flick with a little something I like to call “math.” Given the average matinee price for a movie ticket is $6, which we will call “y,” as in y would anyone waste a perfectly good afternoon watching “Blonde Ambition”; an average adult non-matinee ticket is $9 (hereon referred to as “x”); and student and military non-matinee discounts average out to $8 a ticket (hereon referred to as “z”). We’re left with the following equation:

By my calculations, where y = (9x + 8z)/6; x = (6y+8z)/9; and z = (6y + 9x)/8; carry the one and foil method to the second power function of x, you get the following answer:

For a grand total of:

Which in laymen’s terms means:

You can’t argue with math, baby! That’s why I sign all cell phone contracts with a logarithm instead of my name. Cingular¹ can suck it!

The happy family at The Pancake House last week:

¹_{Unless Cingular wishes to advertise on this site, in which case I redact my statement immediately.}

It’s confirmed — Jessica Simpson’s new movie “Blonde Ambition” is going straight to DVD.¹ Us Weekly reports

Jessica Simpson’s latest attempt at big screen success won’t even make it to the big screen. A January 22 release date has been confirmed for the romantic comedy costarring Luke Wilson. “The movie is absolutely horrible,” a source told Us in August. “It’s just a bomb, mainly because of Jessica’s acting.”

A better title for the movie would have probably been “Blonde Contrition.” And it should have really been less of a movie and more of “hours of uncensored footage of a man getting raped by a donkey.” That way it’d be illegal for distribution in 24 of the 50 states and Luke Wilson could maybe see about getting a little of his dignity back.

¹_{Down the crapper}

Movie stills:

Jessica Simpson wants to earn your respect the old-fashioned way — by getting totally naked on the big screen. Remember how well it worked for Elizabeth Berkley? Female First says:

“Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting. The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry’s respect that she’s ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all.”

Jessica’s… most recent film ‘Blonde Ambition’ [failed] to gain a cinema release and [is] being branded a “disaster”.

I find there’s no better way to earn the respect of your peers than showing your tits. It’s fool-proof. So I can’t parallel park. Look! Tits! So I never actually finished college. Boobs! Get your boobs here! And maybe I had a Vulcan Koon-ut-kal-if-fee Marr ceremony instead of an actual wedding and maybe I moonlight as third level Dwarf Paladin and I might have once spent 36 consecutive hours suspended by my underwear inside a middle school locker, but BOOBS! See, it’s a lock! The only way you could possibly respect me any more right now is if I ran a Sicilian mob or had a top hat and a British accent.

Jessica not totally naked and therefore NOT garnering my respect this weekend:

Once again, Jessica Simpson’s father is responsible for her latest boyfriend. And by “boyfriend,” I of course meant “guy who uses her boobs for target practice until her crippling self-esteem issues shrivel up his penis like a big jar of hot brine.” Page Six reports

Jessica Simpson has her daddy, Joe, to thank for her new love, quarterback Tony Romo. A pal said, “Joe is a huge Dallas Cowboy fan, and Tony has always had a crush on her. Tony… called Joe and said, ‘I know she’s not dating anyone right now, can I take her out for a drink at least?’ They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now, and Jessica is so happy.” The lovebirds are so into each other that Romo joined the Simpsons for Thanksgiving.

Pretty much anything having to do with Jessica’s vagina is courtesy her pervert father. Ten bucks says he called Page Six with this story himself, then finished it with a “check out her awesome tits!” while holding his hands out a foot from his chest and making honking sounds. I’m glad he took a little time off from taking dirty pictures of her to pass her ass along to some whoremonger formerly linked to like seven other Hollywood sluts (including Britney Spears). That’s like finding a used condom underneath a passed-out hobo and offering to stuff it inside your eldest daughter just in time for her new country album to drop. The only difference is the passed-out hobo happens to make $67.5 million dollars and be on TV a lot. It’s practically a country song in the making!

Jess at Birds Bar last week:

Behold the exquisite trailer for Jessica Simpson’s straight-to-video craptacular, “Major Movie Star.” Did your eye just twitch? This could quite possibly be the shittiest movie ever made, right behind “Ishtar” and Pauly Shore’s “Bio-Dome.” I hold Joe Simpson personally responsible for this. Only fatherly machinations could have convinced Jessica that this flaming turd of a movie would be good for her floundering career. Just another good reason to never mix business with pleasure, I suppose. Oh, and the stuff about babies being born with tails. People aren’t so wild about that, either.

Jessica (with Mandy Moore) at the 11th Annual Ace Awards last week:

It would seem that the ticket to bouncing back from a failed suicide attempt is having sex with Jessica Simpson. Where do I sign up? According to the NY Daily News

She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine. The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.”He couldn’t keep his hands off her,” a witness tells the mag. Apparently, sparks flew between the two Texans when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.

The combined IQ of a rabbit and the combined self-esteem issues of a sexually-abused stepchild. This oughta be good, alright. This is usually where Darwin steps in and somebody accidentally drowns in a bowl of soup or sticks a fork in a light socket. It’s nature’s way of keeping the gene pool from bottoming out at “completely fucking retarded.” Circle of life, baby!

Jessica Simpson at the CMT Giants honoring Hank Williams, Jr. last Wednesday:

Well, here it is in black and white, folks: David Copperfield is a dirty fucking rapist. According to the NY Daily News

A friend of the woman’s [said] “Copperfield invited [the woman in question] to a lavish party at his remote compound in the Bahamas, but when she got there, she discovered there was no party and no other guests. She wanted to go home right away, but David [said] she could leave the next day if she really wanted to. That night, Copperfield forced himself on her, holding her arms down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises. She told me she fought back, but that just seemed to turn him on more. After Copperfield had finished with her, [she used] her cell phone to take photos of the crime scene. In order to preserve physical evidence, she didn’t shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle… and drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a ‘rape kit’ on her.”

Agents from Seattle’s FBI office later coordinated a sting operation with the woman - encouraging her to e-mail the magician and arranging a meeting in Vegas, according to the friend.

Movies like “The Prestige” and “The Illusionist” might have convinced you that magicians are totally cool and powerful, but I’m here to remind you they’re not. They’re huge queers like Criss Angel and that douchebag who locked himself in underwater bubble for a week. Blain? Bain? No matter. For all practical purposes his name should have been “Cum Stain.” Look, having millions of dollars and a show in Vegas doesn’t erase two decades spent as “Eliazar the Infernal Voice Third Level Elven Rogue” or an adolescence filled with purple nurples. It takes several years of hard drinking and a lot sex with prostitutes before you can really ever shake those shackles of dorkdom.

Here’s Jessica Simpson (with SNL alum Cheri Oteri) at the Frederick’s of Hollywood 2008 Spring Collection yesterday, because Jessica has nice legs and David Copperfield doesn’t:

This week rumors have been spreading around that Jessica Simpson and friends supposedly ditched her bill at NYC restaurant, The Box. NY Daily News has the scoop:

Reports have been circulating over the last two days of Jessica Simpson drinking and dashing on her tab at The Box, but an insider close to the songstress told us, “She didn’t skip out on the bill. Her pal signed the tab [for one bottle of Grey Goose] but mistakenly took the slip with the signature. We called the club and fixed everything.”

Oh, my ass. Sure, when somebody famous skips out on their bill, it was all just a big misunderstanding! Whoopsie! Hee hee hee! I took the wrong slip! Doh de doh! On the other hand, when I try to temporarily leave the Ruby Tuesdays to use the bathroom on the other side of the mall, all of a sudden it’s stealing. Like it’s my fault they don’t clean their bathrooms, and that their Southwestern Spring Rolls go right through me. But I guess if I were a big shot like Jessica Simpson, wanting to go use the bathroom next to EB Games for a “privacy dump” would be perfectly acceptable behavior.

After the jump — more photos of Jessica looking surprisingly cute for once, apartment hunting in NYC.

(more…)

This is why you don’t grab people’s tits at work. (timekiller)

Brooke Hogan is a 42 year old post-op tranny, right? (Ninja Dude)

Lindsay Lohan visits the “dentist” for some “dental work.” More specifically, “coke dealer” for some “dick.” (Drunken Stepfather)

Sienna Miller cleans up pretty nicely for a dirty hippie. (UseMyComputer)

George Clooney is wielding a “Sex Ramp.” You know, one of those things you see in the back of Cosmo right beside “The Tongue.” (MollyGood)

Looks like Daddy might have taken a baseball bat to Jessica Simpson’s shins and ankles. (CelebSlam)

Perez Hilton has a massive black eye to match his massive fat gut. (BestWeekEver)

Did Angelina collapse in a drunken stupor, or were my dashing good looks and effortless charm just too much for her? (popbytes)