Kate Hudson was caught doing it with Lance Armstrong in the bathroom at a party in Cannes. According to Showbiz Spy

A witness spoke to Hudson in the bathroom at a Dolce & Gabbana event when Armstrong walked out of one of the cubicles. The source said: “I asked her what she was doing. Kate blushed and laughed - and then Lance walked out of a stall topless!”

Just a reminder: every time a person flushes a toilet without a lid, a fine mist of feces or urine (or both, if you’re lucky) sprays out in a ten foot radius from the bowl and coats everything in sight with a nice thick layer of piss and shit. Interesting side note: the average public stall is only 36 inches wide. Ten foot radius. I’ll give you a minute to do the math here. Take your time. Pretty sexy, huh? In fact, I’d say the only thing sexier than doing it in a public restroom is maybe doing it in a truck stop shower after Daytona Bike Week. Those bastards really know how to get down and dirty.

At the Dolce and Gabanna party on Friday:

Kate Hudson has dumped Owen Wilson for seven-times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Kate flew to Lance’s Texas home on Friday for weekend filled with romance and absolutely no suicide watches. The Daily Mail says

“When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that’s when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet. Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks. She and Lance are both physical, passionate people – she’s never been happier.”

Well, if you’re going to start dating Lance Armstrong, you need to steer clear of several trigger phrases that are well-known to upset him. I can’t stress this enough. I keep a handy list in my pocket at all times, just in case I come back as a bicycle or a desperate slut in my next life. I present to you

10. The expression “you’re really on the ball today!” Try “you’re exceedingly capable” or “good job” instead.

9. Patrick Ball, legend of Celtic harp and spoken word. Enough said.

8. “The ball’s in your court.” Um, no it’s not, you insensitive jerk.

7. “The ol’ ball and chain.” Is that some kind of “Lance Armstrong on a bicycle” joke? Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

6. “Ball pythons.” Just trust me on this one.

5. “Ball State University.” The Mid-American Conference upsets most people, actually.

4. “Break your balls.” Oh, aren’t they broken enough for you?

3. “Ballindalloch Castle.” Frankly, it was never the same after the first Marquess of Montrose burned it to the ground.

2. “Ball Park Franks.” They plump when you cook ‘em.

1. “Testing for Erythropoietin Stimulating Agents.” Also the “Union Cycliste Internationale” and the “World Anti-Doping Agency.” Those guys are a bunch of serious hard-ons.

Kate at the “Fool’s Gold” premiere last month with Matthew McConaughey:

Just two months after having rekindled their relationship, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have broken up. Insiders credit the split to Kate’s not being down with Owen having threesomes with Vince Vaughn, while Vince Vaughn credits the split to Kate being such a “ball and fucking chain, bro.” According to People Magazine

Wilson [had] been spotted letting loose… on May 11, [when he] dropped by N.Y.C.’s Upstairs with two women. The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde.

Says a Hudson source: “She feels dumb thinking it was so serious.”

Well, nothing says “seriously repentant” like another suicide attempt. It worked before, right? This time he should go with a little more gusto, like deep throating a shotgun. Something that will leave a disfiguring scar, so that every time she opens her mouth to bitch about those harmless little orgies, she’ll be staring down a grotesque visual reminder of how much he really loves her. Sorta like Van Gogh, only with way less balls and Kolmogorovian turbulence.

Most beautiful in last month’s People:

I know when you hear the words “attempted suicide” and “hillbilly heroin,” the first thing that comes to mind is “daddy material.” Well, you’re not alone — Kate Hudson is currently chomping at the bit to start having babies with Owen Wilson. According to Gatecrasher

Kate Hudson is apartment-shopping in New York with an eye to living here part-time with her rekindled flame Owen Wilson, according to a pal. “She is ready to nest and has even been talking about having more little ones,” a friend of the actress tells me.

It’s hard to resist the aura of paternal stability that radiates from Owen Wilson. Like the hum around a hornet’s nest or the musk that permeates a Taco Bell bathroom, it cuts to the very soul. The only thing that could set your loins ablaze quicker is maybe “recovering sex addict felon” or “backup dancer with dreams of rap stardom.” Saddle on up, Butterscotch Stallion!

Kate with Anne Hathaway on the set of “Bride Wars:”

Don’t be afraid, dear readers — that babushka in the big glasses doesn’t want to make a hearty stew of your children. That’s because the crone pictured above is none other than actress Kate Hudson on vacation in Miami. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how do I know that’s not really a Yugoslavian fishwife disguised as Kate Hudson? It sure looks like a Yugoslavian fishwife. The trick here is the ass. If the ass looks like it belongs under a rainbow nestled on a cushion of rose petals surrounded by doe-eyed forest creatures, it’s Kate Hudson. If it looks like sourdough starter that’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer and stretched a good city block, then it’s an Eastern Bloc ogress. Feel free to write this down to keep in your wallet for reference in emergencies.

More ass-tastic Kate yesterday:

Despite being photographed leaving Owen Wilson’s house twice in the last week, actress Kate Hudson claims she likes a man “with balls.” Female First reports

The ‘Almost Famous’ star finds it a turn off when men are intimidated by her actions. The actress told British Elle: “If… a guy has no balls, you’re better off without him anyway!”

When I think “balls,” I think of someone manly, like a fireman or a sailor, bench pressing his own body weight while simultaneously repairing a car and chopping lumber. Not some dandelion-haired fop overdosing on his sad pills. Maybe someone should tell Kate that “balls” and “Owen Wilson” go together like the “Heisenberg uncertainty principle” and “definite position and momentum of a sub-atomic particle.” Oh, yeah — BUURRRN, baby!

Kate leaving Owen’s house on Monday:

This is all news to me, but apparently actor Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear anything that inhibits his natural smell. That means no cologne and no deodorant. And he hasn’t worn it for more than 20 years. According to Page Six

While on the set of Fool’s Gold, actress Kate Hudson begged the shirtless one to scrap his long-standing anti-deodorant policy. “She always brings a salt rock, which is some natural deodorant, and says, ‘Would you please put this on?’” he said. “I just never wore it. No cologne, no deodorant.”

Matthew [insists] that the ladies dig it, saying, “The women in my life, including my mother, have all said, ‘Hey, your natural smell smells, one, like a man, and, two, smells like you.’” Kate, apparently, was an exception. Not that he’s against hygiene. He brushes his teeth at least five times a day and claims, “I take a few [showers] a day.”

Total surprise. I always imagined Matthew McConaughey would smell like virility and handsomeness. I wouldn’t have in a million years pictured him smelling like a cabbie in the middle of July. But even without the deodorant, there have still got to be hundreds of celebrities that smell worse than Matt. To save time, I’ll just list ten:

10. Paris Hilton — straight up jizz

9. Tara Reid — vodka, but with base notes of jizz and soggy cigarette butts

8. Kirstie Alley — kung pao chicken and krispy kreme

7. Jared Leto — Always with Wings^TM

6. Rumer Willis — potatoes

5. Andy Dick — jizz and nasal drip coke breath

4. Courtney Love — cheap whiskey and vomit

3. Amy Winehouse — tears and three-day gin bender sweat

2. Fergie — tinkle and synthetic estrogen

AND THE NUMBER ONE SMELLIEST CELEBRITY:

1. Britney Spears — sweat, cheetos, and Marlboro Lights, with a whiff of menstruation (NSFW)

Now, for my favorite part of completely useless red carpet productions like the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards last night: making fun of the celebrities and their overpriced couture dresses! I deemed Ally McBeal actress Jane Krakowski “Ugly Cake Taker” for this year’s SAGs. And boy, sags is right. That could be one of the most unflattering necklines and décolletage displays I’ve ever seen. She looks like she ought to be rotating on a spit with an apple stuffed in her big ugly pie hole. It’d be better if instead of the ruching there were coconuts and some girthy Hawaiians about to dump her in a volcano. You know, appease the gods of fashion. Namely me. I demand sacrifice!

The bad, the worse, and what-the-fuck-is-that? after the jump

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Kate Hudson is once again madly in love with Owen Wilson, and all it took to sway her affection was his trying to off himself and failing. According to Female First

Kate Hudson is reportedly trying to rekindle her romance with ex-boyfriend Owen Wilson after splitting from Dax Shepard. The ‘Almost Famous’ actress is said to be desperate to woo back Owen. A source said: “After Owen’s suicide attempt, she realised how much she loved him, and broke up with Dax.”

There’s nothing women find sexier than clinical depression. Add “lives with mother” and “IBS” to the equation and you’ve got yourself a bonafide Casanova. We’ve all heard that old cliche about finding “your knight in shining armor.” I’d say that a knight in two feet of IV tubing on suicide watch is practically the same thing.