Katie Holmes was interviewed on “Good Morning America” yesterday, and host Diane Sawyer asked all the hard-hitting questions you’d expect of a journalist. Except for the ones having anything to do with Scientology, contractual agreements, or being the surrogate for the demon seed of L. Ron Hubbard. Page Six says

“GMA” host Diane Sawyer asked Holmes only inoffensive questions about her hair, her clothes, her baby and her new movie. Incredibly, she never even brought up Andrew Morton’s controversial new book, “Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography.”

The network [went into] full damage-control, [with the] “GMA” executive producer [insisting] there was no agreement to avoid the touchy subject. He [claimed] he’d planned for the segment to delve into the personal lives of Cruise and Holmes, but after nearly eight minutes of light banter, called for the segment to end.

I imagine if the topic had been broached, Katie would have just put her hands to either side of her head to fluff her coif, waved an acrylic tipped finger at Diane and said, “That is not a topic. You want I should give you a topic? Here’s your topic: Scientology is neitha a science nor an ology. Discuss.” I can’t imagine you’d steal Linda Richman’s signature look without lifting a couple of her round table techniques, too.

Like buttah at the ABC Studios yesterday:

Like my beautiful, beautiful “Office,” The Golden Globe Awards are the latest to fall victim to the writers’ strike. People magazine reports

Organizers said Monday they’ve officially abandoned the televised formal ceremony this Sunday and will replace it with a press conference announcement of the winners. Instead of the lavish ceremony, the HFPA will now announce the winners at an hour-long press conference broadcast on NBC.

I cannot imagine a life without scripted Hollywood self-congratulations. Like genocide and Carrot Top, it simply should not exist in our day and age. Anyway, to keep myself from cutting, I grabbed my a couple of Barbies and enacted my own — totally scripted, of course — Golden Globe Awards show in my mom’s basement. You have to do the voices right and shake the Barbies when it’s their turn to speak and all, but I swear it’s just as good as watching the real thing. Here’s a little taste:

Blonde Barbie: Welcome here, famous actress! You’re so awesome!

Brunette Barbie: No, you’re awesome! And thank you!

Blonde Barbie: No, thank you!

Other Blonde Barbie: How gorgeous am I? God, I love myself!

Blonde Barbie: Awesome!

Brunette Barbie: And now, a tribute to ___ famous person.

(Lights dim)

(Lights up)

Other Blonde Barbie (sighs): God, he was awesome, wasn’t he?

Brunette Barbie: Totally awesome.

Blonde Barbie: Is that Zac Posen you’re wearing?

Brunette Barbie: No, it’s Max Azria Altier!

Blonde Barbie: Awesome!

Other Blonde Barbie (seriously): But Africa.

Brunette Barbie: Darfur Dalai Lama.

Blonde Barbie: It’s pronounced High-GUL.

Brunette Barbie: AIDS!

Other Blonde Barbie: It’s about time for me to make myself throw up again.

All Barbies Together: Awesome!

That’s about the time you pause for a seven-minute commercial break. See? All the scripting you could ever want, and you can make Blonde Barbie and Brunette Barbie make out at the end.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Critic’s Choice Awards, however, were NOT affected by the writer’s strike. Click here for a complete list of the night’s winners, and enjoy surrogate of the devil Kate Holmes presenting in John Belushi’s new line of formal wear:

Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has another tell-all book about to hit the presses, and this one targets Hollywood-Heartthrob-Turned-Scientology-Overlord Tom Cruise. Morton makes several shocking allegations against the star, namely (via the NY Daily News)

Cruise, 45, is second-highest leader in his controversial Church of Scientology, and… 20-month-old [daughter] Suri may have secretly been fathered by late church founder L. Ron Hubbard. Fanatical Scientology insiders wonder if third wife Katie Holmes “had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm. In her more reflective moments, Katie might have felt as if she were in the middle of a real-life version of the horror movie ‘Rosemary’s Baby,’ in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child.”

I imagine the time for “reflective moments” came when she found herself waking in a metal tube without her short term memory or her original hair. That’s a scary fucking couple of minutes, believe you me. Nobody’d cut my hair and I didn’t wake up in a metal tube, exactly, but there was this one time I came to beneath a willowy gray figure staring down with silver eyes and a mouth that spoke without moving. I couldn’t remember anything past four o’clock the day before and I had a distant feeling that I had once been wearing pants and not bleeding from the anus. Luckily, the alien turned out just to be a parking meter and I hadn’t been inseminated with anybody’s demon seed. I’d just taken a bunch of Klonopin and passed out near Broad and 4th. See, you can’t make babies in the butt! Science is almost always on my side.

Katie shopping with the devil child on her birthday:

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have decided to follow in the silent footsteps of fellow Scientologist Katie Holmes when it comes to birthing their baby. London’s The Sun says

Jennifer Lopez [will be] giving birth naturally, quiet, and free from painkillers. J-Lo and husband Marc Anthony are keen followers of [Scientology and believe] that loud hospital environments and doctor’s shouts of ‘push push’ can have damaging effects on a newborn later in life. A pal of the 38-year-old [said]: “Although she knows it will be hard not to scream, she understands why it will be good for the baby to have peace and quiet.”

Perhaps more than her maternal screams possibly scarring the infant, J-Lo should consider the life-long impact of being snatched up in the sinewy arms of that hobgoblin they call “Marc Anthony.” The doctor might as well chuck the baby in a ransacked grave and see how it bonds with a partially-exhumed corpse or let it cuddle with a sewer rat for a couple of hours. Not that the idea of silence in and of itself is so bad. In fact, I’d even go as far to say a totally silent JLo/Marc Anthony album is damn near brilliant. It’s really more about getting the silence timing right.

Silent birther Katie Holmes doing her best middle-aged elementary school secretary last week:

Katie “Kate” Holmes wants you to know that husband Tom Cruise finds her attractive in a completely heterosexual manner. According to the NY DailyNews

Katie Holmes has the secret for turning Tom Cruise on, but now she is sharing it with the world. “Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush… He’ll say, ‘You look good. I hope security’s going with you.’ Now that gives me attitude.”

Then she added, “He really likes my vagina. Loves vagina. Because he’s not gay. At all. If he were any less gay, he’d… ah, um… it’s Greek art! Those were just erotic statues! I don’t know anything about the tapes! Look, Suri! I had Suri! How could I have a baby with a gay man? It can’t happen! Science! Aaaugh!” and then a lot of hyperventilating and frantic looking around and a “He’s here, isn’t he? Oh, God, he’s here! Tell him I said he wasn’t gay. TELL HIM! ” before she folded into the fetal position and started sobbing quietly.

Katie Christmas shopping with Suri last week:

Katie “Kate” Holmes debuted a new heavily-banged bob at the 59th annual Bambi Awards in Dusseldorf yesterday, apparently inspired by Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra and the early 15th-century Sallet helmets worn during the War of the Roses. This new haircut supposedly rockets Katie straight to the coveted heights of Hollywood fashion iconicity, but I don’t really get it. Down’s Syndrome has had the market cornered on that haircut for years now, and nobody ever called them “the new Jackie O.”

Katie “Kate” Holmes got a record five hours and twenty-nine minutes away from Tom Cruise this weekend when she participated in the New York City Marathon on Sunday. People Magazine reports

She got a quick, wet one from husband Tom Cruise as she entered the final stretch to the finish line in Central Park. Tom and Suri, as well as his mother and Holmes’ parents, were all at the finish line to greet the runner, who seemed anything but exhausted, despite the strenuous day she had just endured. She made it to the bitter end around 3:30 p.m. with a final time of 5:29:58.

And she apparently made it all 26.2 miles without wearing a bra. Yow. Every fibrous connective tissue in my breasts would have snapped by mile two if I passed on a sports bra. I probably would have finished the race skipping rope with them or swinging them lasso-style to achieve lift off. But see, I’m not stupid enough to run 26 miles in a fucking circle. If I’m sprinting anywhere without a bra on there had better be a fire or a crazy midget in a gimp mask hot on my heels or an all-you-can drink buffet within eyesight. “Personal achievement” doesn’t exactly make punching a co-worker and falling down a flight of stairs seem acceptable the way Jose Cuervo does. I’ll take the road to nowhere the old-fashioned way, thank you very much!

Tom Cruise wants his bride-to-be to stay at home and focus on being a wife and a mother, not on her acting career. Cruise, who is ruining the life of Katie, also wants her to avoid the spotlight for a while.

‘I’ve got Katie tucked away, so no one will get to us until my child is born — and until I want them to,’ Cruise recently told ‘a friend’ according to the new issue of Life & Style Weekly. ‘I said Katie’s life from now on was going to be about being a mother,’ Cruise allegedly said. ‘I’m not giving her the chance to turn into another Nicole.’

Let’s hope Tom will also become a good father and avoid the spotlight for… forever!

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