MSNBC reports today that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are the new black faces of Scientology. Apparently, there’s just something about paranoid couch-jumping Lilliputians that alienates the African-American demographic! Tom Cruise’s latest venture into the delusional — a $1.3 million security system replete with cameras in every last room of the house — has even gone as far as to estrange his obedient robot wife Katie Holmes. A source told Showbiz Spy

“Katie will barely be able to move around her own home without being monitored by cameras and electrical devices. There will be codes and devices that only Tom will have the secret information to operate. Every move she makes inside or outside their house will be recorded. There is no escape from Tom’s controlling ways. [Katie] knows she can’t escape the roving eyes of the cameras that are constantly sweeping the house.”

Within the grounds of the couple’s house, there’s a small guard house; 24/7 cameras; floodlights activated by movement; and guard dogs. An electric fence around the grounds was ruled out, but a moat inside of the compound will surround the 13,000sq ft mansion if permission is granted.

It sounds like some kind of wonderful Medieval-themed Alcatraz. Tom could call it Castle Knavesmire and get a dragon and a flaming eye and be henceforth known as Kargeth Yellowmace or Rukkek Tunnelmaker. There are plenty of good dwarf names out there to choose from. Who needs the African-American demographic when ye olde Renaissance fair demographic remaineth untapped, forsooth!