Kirsten Dusnt is opening up about her trip to rehab earlier this year, blaming her little stint in the Cirque Lodge on her sad feelings instead of a problem with booze. E! Online says

[Kirsten said,] “There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life. I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression.”

While naysayers out there may groan that a young, wealthy Hollywood starlet should have nothing to be depressed about, Dunst says mental illness doesn’t know any such boundaries. “We’re all in the same boat together,” she opines. “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

With so many Hollywood stars battling mental illness — Winona Ryder, Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, to name a few — it begs the question “Does acting itself create emotional instability, or are those drawn to acting already dissociative by nature and therefore prone to mental unbalance?” You know, the whole “chicken vs. the egg” debate. Well, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Kirsten Dunst’s face probably passed through a chicken’s birth canal at some point. Science says it’s the only real explanation as to why it looks that way.

Freshly-rehabbed Kirsten Dunst was photographed sporting a massive shiner Monday afternoon in New York. The Mirror says

Spider-Man star Kirsten Dunst looked like she’d been punched in the eye on the set of her latest film. Even a huge pair of sunglasses couldn’t hide the massive bruise on her cheek.

This follows close on the heels of Kirsten’s boozy 26th birthday party at NYC’s Bowery Electric last week. Coincidence? Probably not. MSNBC adds

A spywitness claims Kirsten downed a shot of whiskey before moving on to a series of rum and Cokes. “She got worse as the night went on,” the source revealed to the magazine. “She was dancing and jumping around like a crazed animal! She indulged any guy who gave her attention… and went up to several guys and started flirting with them hardcore.”

It’s Kirsten Dunst we’re talking about here, so you can pretty much guarantee she either A) caught the corner of the bathroom sink as she passed out on the crapper, or B) took one in the face trying to fend off a cross and a wooden stake from entering her heart.

Not even a whole month out of rehab, and Kirsten Dunst is already back to her Drunksnty ways. The NY Daily News says

Recently rehabbed Kirsten Dunst partied hard last week for her 26th birthday at Bowery Electric. We can’t say for sure what the newly sober Dunst was consuming, but spies say the actress looked a lot worse for the wear as she tumbled out on to the street hours after midnight with girlfriends gripping her arm.

A really fun game to play with a drunk person is a little something I like to call “Lassie.” Wait until they’re good and drunk and slurry and can’t get a discernible word out, and when they try to get your attention because they need to throw up, crouch down next to them, cock your head to one side and say, “What is it, girl? Trouble at the old mill? Timmy fell down a well?!” See, it’d be especially funny with Kirsten, because she’s already got the cuspids of an actual canine.

Jennifer Aniston sucking face with John Mayer in Miami, because they’re too boring for a whole post:

In Touch magazine is reporting that actress Kirsten Dunst has finally found true love beneath the romantic canopy of rehab. Showbiz Spy says

The 25-year-old star met the mystery man at the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation center in Sundance, Utah. An insider told the magazine: “The staff has asked the two to separate more than enough. She sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes.”

Dunst’s new boyfriend has asked his mum to send flowers to Kirsten at the clinic on his behalf.

Flowers? What’s Kirsten Dunst going to do with a bunch of fucking flowers? A nice arrangement of captive princesses and new-born babies is what trolls like best. Unless you can get your hands on the bigger, fatter billy goat Gruff just across the bridge, but I bet they’re damn near impossible to wrap.

Jennifer “Chins” Lopez finally gave birth this morning to twins — a boy and a girl. According to People Magazine

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. “Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” [says] Lopez’s manager.

I bet the nurses promptly doused the twins with tabasco and rolled them in peppercorn so Marc Anthony wouldn’t gobble them down the first chance he got. Trolls don’t care for the muy picante. That’s why you’ll never find any trolls eating Indian people. In fact, the only thing a troll hates more than a spicy baby is a baby covered in Marshmallow Peeps and coconut, which is why Easter is actually one of the most troll-free holidays around. It also explains why you never see Kirsten Dunst swinging an basket full of brightly colored eggs and candy anywhere she goes. You can’t argue with the facts, man.

Kirsten Dunst’s check-in to rehab last week has been a long time in the making. Friends of the actress say she’s been boozing for years now and even blame drinking for the demise of her relationship with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. According to Us Weekly,

“Jake was turned off by all the partying,” [says] a source. Ironically, regret over the breakup led her to party more – and use cocaine and alcohol. “Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

Funny, I always thought it was Kirsten’s vagina that drove Jake away. You know, in that it’s not a penis with testicles or a pool boy’s supple anus.

I warned you! And now it’s finally happened. Actress Kirsten Dunst has checked herself into rehab. According to Star magazine

Kirsten Dunst has checked into the Cirque Lodge in Utah… after a week of wild parties at last month’s Sundance Film Festival. A source in Utah tells Star, “She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she’s getting the help she needs.”

Seemed to be intoxicated? Look, just because you had a hard time understanding her doesn’t mean she was drunk. It just means her teeth get in the way sometimes when she’s talking. And you’d cry, too, if every time you made the hard “F” and “V” sounds you stabbed holes in your lower lip with both bicuspids. It’d be like taking a nail gun to your mouth every time you slurred “another vermouth and vodka” or “more Beefeaters and Finlandia” or “fuck you, I’m fine” to the guy trying to call you a cab.

Kirsten in spring season Miu Miu ads:

Britney Spears seems to be setting a crazy trend here lately, with “Grey’s Anatomy” star Justin Chambers checking into the very same UCLA psych ward this week and actress Kirsten Dunst reportedly teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown herself. According to Page Six

Kirsten Dunst’s strange ways have tongues wagging that she’s “on the verge of a breakdown.” The starlet came late, left early, and “acted erratic” during a recent event at Sundance, according to insiders. Friends of the actress made apologies on her behalf, saying, “Kirsten is not in a good place right now.” Dunst, who split from Razorlight rocker boyfriend Johnny Borell last year, has not been photographed or spotted out in recent weeks.

I’d guess the breakdown has less to do with a relationship gone sour and more to do with “fish out of water” syndrome. Kirsten’s type are most comfortable hiding under a bridge and bellowing riddles to wayfaring gnomes, not posing for pictures on the red carpet. You know, “Answer me these questions three!” and stealing babies and other such troll inclinations. I’m sure it gets hard living so far out of your element.

Kirsten hobgobbling around Sundance:

Just look at that smile! Hilary Clinton can barely contain her glee at winning New Hampshire’s first-in-the-nation primary yesterday. Or else her sodium levels are too high and her mucous membranes are starting to curl up on themselves like a slug on a salt lick. All in all, though, I have to admit — not too shabby for a sixty year-old sea donkey. With those Risky Businesses there she could almost pass for Kirsten Dunst’s twin sister or something.

Kirsten in Hollywood Tuesday:

Actress Kirsten Dunst has been chosen to be the new face of fashion house Miu Miu. According to Elle UK

Kirsten Dunst has been signed up to front… Miu Miu’s spring/summer 2008 campaign. Miu Miu is set to expand even further in the US next year with new stores planned for New York and LA, so it was the perfect time to inject some Hollywood glamour into the brand again.

“Hollywood glamour” must be code for “teeth like a mouthful of broken glass and tits like a couple of gym socks full of pudding.” Note to self: avoid Hollywood glamour at all costs.

Kirsten glamming it up over the years:

In case you wanted another reason to hate Kirsten Dunst: (via Female First)

The ‘Spider-Man 3′ actress, who played Mary Jane Watson in one of the most successful adventure franchises of all time, finds shooting action scenes “boring” and complicated. She said: “Action movies really entail sitting in a trailer all day… You put your make-up on and it seeps into your pores all day long and it’s really boring. I don’t like it. Everything that you see in the great action clips takes weeks [of] screaming, cars, heights, and it’s very technical and [boring].”

Wow, ugly and ungrateful! Talk about your winning combination! I’d say that ranks somewhere in between “morbidly obese and encephalitic” and “hermaphroditic and bipolar.” Good luck batting those boys away, Kirsten, you rake, you!

More of Kirsten at the Glamour Reel Moments party on Tuesday after the jump

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