Looks like things are getting serious between everyone’s favorite lesbian couple — Samantha Ronson has finally proposed to girlfriend Lindsay Lohan! Well, sorta. According to The Mirror

Sam splashed out on an [$22,000] Cartier diamond ring for her girlfriend. “Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday,” says a source. “Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It’s a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled.”

Everyone agreed it was a real step up from the gold-plated dental dam Sam gave Lindsay last month, which was really less of a pledge of eternal love and more of a I-don’t-want-your-herpes-on-my-tongue kind of gift. Still nice, though! Congratulations to the happy couple!

Having lunch at Chin Chin July 7

I bet you’ve often wondered, “Hey, who wears the pants in Lindsay Lohan’s lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson?” No? You haven’t? Well, too bad, because you’re about to hear about it. Star Magazine says

“They’re totally playing house and loving every minute of it. And, yes, they share a bed!” They call Samantha’s Hollywood house “home” — and behind closed doors, “Lindsay and Sam play certain roles — Sam is the boss, the husband. Lindsay is the passive one, the wife.”

They went on to say some stuff about shopping for sex toys and a “bizarre pact to stay thin.” I don’t know. I wasn’t really listening. I was busy thinking about Lindsay “sharing a bed” ol’ Sammy. And then waking up in the middle of the night instinctively seeking out penis with her mouth, like a baby blindly rooting for the nipple or like a fish gasping for air, and then panicking when she can’t find one. Ten bucks says Samantha keeps a kielbasa on the bedside table to shove in her mouth so she’ll stop fussing and go to back to sleep again. Penis, the ultimate pacifier!

On the set of Labor Pains with her husband:

Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson have patched things up after a very public lovers’ quarrel over the weekend. The Daily Mail says

The pair had a huge fight during dinner at Katsuya restaurant, with one onlooker [saying]: ‘Lindsay kept ignoring Sam all night long as they ate. Then she [Lindsay] made a huge scene and stormed off.’

However the pair had worked out their differences by yesterday afternoon. Samantha was spotted visiting Lindsay on set of her new film Labor Pains, where she received a very warm embrace from the actress.

It’s always nice when lesbians kiss and make up. Even better when they invite the rest of their lesbian girlfriends over for a little lingerie pillowfighting/nude oil wrestling and ask you to videotape it. Unfortunately, that usually only happens if your name is “Dirk” and you have a ten-inch wiener and a German accent. For such is the way of life!

Having dinner with Lily Allen and with Sam on the set:

“Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere is front and center on the cover of the June issue of Glamour U.K., opening up on what it’s like to be a little person in a big world and pretending to be bisexual because nobody gives a rat’s ass about her. Hayden says

“It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique.”

I don’t know why Hayden thinks that her sexuality is so elemental to her self-worth. She’s so much more than that. If only she could look inward and draw strength from the proud heritage of her people, like she did at the Battle for Helms Deep. “Let them come! There is one Dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!” Still her finest bearded role to date.

Natural beauty Christina Aguilera apparently put on quite a skank show at LAX nightclub last weekend. The Daily Mail says

[Aguilera] and her [female] companion put on a sexy show by dancing close to each other. 26-year-old Christina even grabbed her friend’s head and rubbed her face into her breast as their racy dancing continued.

Some new moms join their local chapter of Stroller Strides; some join little play groups that meet for story time at the library; some get wasted and shove their girlfriends’ faces in their tits like college freshmen whose daddies didn’t show them enough attention growing up. Those are the kind of mommies that have martinis for breakfast and fuck their kids’ soccer coaches and demand full custody for extra child support paychecks. Or, as I like to call them, “the cool moms” at whose houses the Stroller Stride kids are going to want to spend the night in fifteen years.

Dina Lohan continued whoring out her family in the name of ratings at Project Cuddle Friday night. Addressing rumors that her daughter Lindsay is involved in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson, she told OK! Magazine

“If [Lindsay's] happy, I’m happy. That’s all I’ll say. Samantha’s great. I’ve known her and her family for ten years.”

So Dina’s no longer denying it, but she’s not exactly confirming it, either. That’s what’s known in television terms as a “teaser.” The announcer voice would say, “Is Lindsay gay? Isn’t she? Find out on next week’s “Living Lohan,” where Dina scours the tabloids for rumors and then latently substantiates them!” It’s kinda like sitting down to take a dump but only cranking out a couple of farts instead. Nothing of any consequence really happens, and you’re right back where you started, which is either on a toilet or watching a Lohan reality show. Six of one, in my opinion.

Lindsay in L.A. Thursday:

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael is furiously back-pedaling after telling Us Weekly that his daughter’s rumored lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson was “evident to anyone with half a brain.” He claims his comments were taken out of context, telling the NY Daily News:

“[In regards to the comment], I was talking about what Dina’s show is all about, but they left that part off. I was saying that it’s evident the show is not… about Ali, it’s about Dina.

[As far as Lindsay and Samantha are concerned, I do] not know if the two are having a relationship and [I have] not asked [her] about it. Lindsay’s life choices are up to her.”

Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes.

The pictures Michael was referencing from that night in Cannes:

Lindsay Lohan was photographed “necking” with rumored girlfriend Samantha Ronson at P. Diddy’s yacht party in Cannes yesterday. The Sun says

In one shot Lindsay nuzzles the DJ’s neck, while in another they’re holding hands leaving at 5:30 a.m. A fellow guest said: “They looked like proper lovebirds. And they didn’t care who saw them draped over each other.”

Rumours that Lindsay and Samantha were lovers started last year.

In Lindsay’s defense, it’s pretty hard to resist the call of a pork pie hat. Next to a heartfelt ballad played on the didgeridoo or a your collection of mint-condition Star Wars action figures, it’s practically the only thing guaranteed to moisten a girl’s panties. Well, maybe a good kick in the bladder, too. But that’s just not as sexy.

Yielding to the pork pie call in at Dolce & Gabbana in Cannes:

Hardcore video of burlesque queen Dita von Teese cavorting with two scantily-clad females hit the net yesterday, and Wonderbra, who had just chosen Dita to be the face of their lingerie company, is none too happy about it. The Sun says

In one scene the former wife of Marilyn Manson romps with a leggy beauty with a sex toy. The sleazy flick — shot before she rose to fame — will shock lingerie bosses. It is a blow to Wonderbra who only launched her as the new face of their famous push-up bra last month. They hoped Dita would enhance the company’s clean-cut image by designing her own limited edition collection.

Wonderbra declined to comment.

A good rule of thumb, ladies, is whenever you’re naked on film, don’t let the cameras stop rolling until you’ve yelled “They’re holding a gun to my sick grandmother’s head just off screen! I’m doing this against my will!” at least once. That way, when the video is inevitably leaked online, you can spin it as the harrowing tale of a woman overcoming the odds and doing whatever it takes to save the life of her cancer-stricken Gam-Gam instead of the shameful escapades of a drunken freshman slutting it up with two of her sorority sisters and while most of Sigma Chi watches. Trust me, you’re gonna thank me later for this.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Sun may have made this out to be a little more shocking than it actually is, because apparently the clip is classic fetish Dita from Andrew Blake’s Pinups 2, which Dita (NSFW) actually sells on her own website. Gasp!

See a clip of th INCREDIBLY NSFW video here here.

LSFW body paint shots:

Long plagued by rumors of Carey Hart’s infidelity, it seems that singer Pink’s marriage is officially over. People Magazine says

The marriage of pop singer Pink and her husband of two years, motocross racer and former The Surreal Life star Carey Hart, has ended. “Pink and Carey Hart have separated. This decision was made by best friends with a huge amount of love and respect for one another. While the marriage is over, their friendship has never been stronger.”

The marriage was doomed from the start. To the best of my knowledge, Carey Hart has never had a vagina. And despite his best efforts to acquire it from other women while he was still married, he will never ever have a vagina. He was stuck with a penis, which, frankly, only serves to get in the way of having a vagina. I’m sure you can see how this union was destined for utter failure from the beginning.

Pink at Entertainment Weekly’s 50th Grammys after party last week:

Britney Spears has been getting an awful lot of attention lately, so Paris Hilton decided to swing the limelight her way with a fake lesbian make-out session with “House of Wax” co-star Elisha Cuthbert. Page Six says

Revelers at Tenjune in the Meatpacking District Tuesday night spotted Paris making out with “24″ star Elisha Cuthbert. “They were drinking and dancing, and all of suddenly they just started kissing,” said the onlooker who told us the liplock lasted “about a minute.” Cuthbert’s rep denies the story, although several witnesses confirmed they saw the face-suck.

That’s one of those things that sounds sexy until you get up close. Sorry, but those two are just gross. Paris Hilton looks like a combination of the Goon from Popeye and claymation Gumby and Elisha Cuthbert might as well be my seventh grade gym teacher with that haircut. It’s just like that time I rented this flick called “From Pole to Pole” and ended up with a documentary about the Earth’s inconstant magnetic field instead of the penis-fest I was expecting. Needless to say, I won’t be hitting up PBS for porn anymore. That goes double for the Discovery Channel and TLC. “Wild Down Under” my ass.

Paris arriving at the TRL Tuesday and Elisha shopping at Bristol Farms over the weekend:

Lindsay Lohan has sparked lesbian rumors by moving in with a new “roommate” and holding hands with her at lesbian parties. Female First says

The ‘Mean Girls’ star and the daughter of Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel attended a housewarming party at the home of “Power Lesbian” Jeanette Longoria [last week]. A fellow partygoer [said]: “The girls held hands and were with each other the whole time.”

While at the party, Lindsay and Courtenay referred to themselves as “roommates” and told guests they had been living together in Los Angeles for about a month. They left the party together and were seen shopping in Beverly Hills the next day. A representative for Lindsay: “The two are good friends, nothing more.”

Now that’s she’s not Chris Farleying a retaining wall with her Benz or doing cocaine topless until six in the morning, Lindsay has to find a new way to garner negative attention from the media. And what better way than pretending she’s bisexual? Guys love that shit because it reminds them of porn, and porn reminds them of jerking off, and guys really love jerking off. Done and done! Unless Courtenay is blind (which would explain the ridiculous spelling of her name) or afflicted with short-term memory loss, there’s no reason for Lindsay to drag her around by the hand at a power lesbian’s party other than making a big production of letting everyone know she’s gone gay. And what the hell is a “power lesbian,” anyway? Does it involve some kind of gay justice league? And, more importantly, how to I get the title “power heterosexual” legally applied to me? I’ve still got a week left to get out my Christmas cards, and that leaves plenty of time for me to make up some kind of formal insignia I can stamp on the envelopes attesting to my hetero prowess. I’m thinking like a gilded wiener in either hand set against the tartan backdrop of my family crest. Or maybe just a set of balls and my smiling face. Either way, you will fear me because I am powerful.

Lindsay shopping this past weekend: