Michael Lohan once again suckled at the media teat to get his name front and center in the tabloids, telling E! Online that Samantha Ronson is dating daughter Lindsay purely to boost her own fame after it was revealed that Sam was planning to write a “tell-all” about her life. The Sun says

Michael said: “I’ve shut up about this long enough. Samantha is using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some DJ. And now she’s writing a book? Let’s just say I hope Lindsay starts opening her eyes and realizes who the people using her are.”

Michael also accuses Sam of reintroducing Lindsay to booze,… [saying] “Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse. Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam. Even my ex-wife Dina knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it.”

Not to be outdone, Samantha posted the following on her official blog:

SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don’t want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words… so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay’s life- i’m just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i’m not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else….so I think it’s safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all….. written by me….. when does your book come out mr. lohan?”

Lindsay’s response to the allegations? She told Access Hollywood last night

“He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love.”

and posted the following on her MySpace account:

DRUG FREE
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…

If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.

Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.

Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.

This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item. I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on… I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’re officially a sadist with self-destructive tendencies. I suggest lots of booze and a two hour session in the dungeon with your balls under the spiked heel of Mistress Severina. Flagellating your own genitals and burning your forearms with cigarettes is optional but not required.

Lunching someplace other than the Y with their mothers August 24th:

Wait, stop me if you’ve heard this one — Lindsay Lohan was … uh, yeah, no bra. Right. I figured you had. You probably have the internet at home or something. Well, for the record, those are some of the worst looking fake tits I’ve ever seen. God damn. From that angle, it looks like she’s got Squiward Tentacles in a headlock. “Oblong” should never be an adjective you use to describe your bosom. Same goes for “jello-like consistency” and “staring at the floor.” It’s just wrong.

Shopping at Samy’s Camera on Fairfax Blvd yesterday:

You know it’s for real now — Lindsay Lohan and lesbian lover Samantha Ronson have gotten inked with matching tattoos. According to E! Online

First acquired in July 2006 with then-beau Harry Morton, Lindsay’s tattoo (on her left hand between the thumb and index finger) was white in color. She has since had the tat outlined with black ink, and Ronson has replicated the heart on her own left hand.

Lindsay has also turned up with one of Samantha’s tattoos. Ronson has cascading red stars inked down her right arm, and now Lohan is showing off a red star on her right hand.

Tattoos are a great testament to your everlasting love because they are practically indelible. Just like Hepatitis C and and bankruptcy, but people just aren’t as wild about those.

If you’re new to the internet, Lindsay Lohan’s nipples:

Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized early Sunday morning after being sideswiped by a motorbike. According to the NY Post

With sapphic sidekick Samantha Ronson by her side, Lohan was hit by a moving bike “outside a club on 32nd Street,” the movie starlet’s dad Michael Lohan confirmed. “She’s not hurt. That’s all I really care about,” Lohan said of his oldest daughter.

LiLo was taken to Beth Israel Medical Center and released at 4 a.m. [the same day].

How could Lindsay Lohan get hit by a motorbike and not be impaled on a handlebar in a display of phallic comeuppance? Has divine justice abandoned us? Should we go Job on the matter and curse God and die? Of course not! Remember, when the Lord closes a door, someway he opens a window. You have to believe there’s an eighteen-wheeler loaded with pork roasts and kielbasas just around the corner. With faith, all things are possible!

Lindsay Lohan on the set of Ugly Betty in New York July 21st:

Looks like things are getting serious between everyone’s favorite lesbian couple — Samantha Ronson has finally proposed to girlfriend Lindsay Lohan! Well, sorta. According to The Mirror

Sam splashed out on an [$22,000] Cartier diamond ring for her girlfriend. “Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday,” says a source. “Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It’s a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled.”

Everyone agreed it was a real step up from the gold-plated dental dam Sam gave Lindsay last month, which was really less of a pledge of eternal love and more of a I-don’t-want-your-herpes-on-my-tongue kind of gift. Still nice, though! Congratulations to the happy couple!

Having lunch at Chin Chin July 7

I bet you’ve often wondered, “Hey, who wears the pants in Lindsay Lohan’s lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson?” No? You haven’t? Well, too bad, because you’re about to hear about it. Star Magazine says

“They’re totally playing house and loving every minute of it. And, yes, they share a bed!” They call Samantha’s Hollywood house “home” — and behind closed doors, “Lindsay and Sam play certain roles — Sam is the boss, the husband. Lindsay is the passive one, the wife.”

They went on to say some stuff about shopping for sex toys and a “bizarre pact to stay thin.” I don’t know. I wasn’t really listening. I was busy thinking about Lindsay “sharing a bed” ol’ Sammy. And then waking up in the middle of the night instinctively seeking out penis with her mouth, like a baby blindly rooting for the nipple or like a fish gasping for air, and then panicking when she can’t find one. Ten bucks says Samantha keeps a kielbasa on the bedside table to shove in her mouth so she’ll stop fussing and go to back to sleep again. Penis, the ultimate pacifier!

On the set of Labor Pains with her husband:

Meet Michael Lohan’s bastard kid Ashley Kaufmann, the product of an affair with 44-year-old massage therapist Kristi Kaufmann back in 1995 when he and ex-wife Dina “were on a break.” But is she really his? The NY Daily News says

The resemblance is striking. From her freckles to her smile, Ashley certainly looks like a member of the Lohan family. “I’ve seen pictures and, to tell the truth, there are similarities with Linds,” Michael Lohan [said] last week.

[But] Lohan has gone so far as to say he will sue Kaufmann for libel and defamation if the [DNA] test results come back negative that he is Ashley’s father.

Well, I’d say chances are pretty good that she’s a Lohan, because she’s already pursuing a music career. According to MSNBC

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal.

A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.”

My mentally challenged cousin’s left testicle has more talent than Lindsay or Ali, so that’s not saying much. No, really. You should hear its rendition of “Ave Maria.” I think the only word to describe it is “stirring.” It doesn’t so much “sing” as get wiggled up and down while George screeches in butchered Italian with his pants down, but it’s still 95% more tolerable than another Lohan album. Some industry people are already looking into it.

Boy, I don’t know about you, but I suddenly have a hankerin’ for cassava melons. And beef tips. Big, pink, puffy beef tips. Maybe it’s just one of those “sympathy” cravings that you catch from being around pregnant people. That totally explains all the uncontrollable gas and mood swings today!

More of Lindsay Lohan flexing the ol’ “acting muscle” (re: boob) on the set of Labor Pains:

Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson have patched things up after a very public lovers’ quarrel over the weekend. The Daily Mail says

The pair had a huge fight during dinner at Katsuya restaurant, with one onlooker [saying]: ‘Lindsay kept ignoring Sam all night long as they ate. Then she [Lindsay] made a huge scene and stormed off.’

However the pair had worked out their differences by yesterday afternoon. Samantha was spotted visiting Lindsay on set of her new film Labor Pains, where she received a very warm embrace from the actress.

It’s always nice when lesbians kiss and make up. Even better when they invite the rest of their lesbian girlfriends over for a little lingerie pillowfighting/nude oil wrestling and ask you to videotape it. Unfortunately, that usually only happens if your name is “Dirk” and you have a ten-inch wiener and a German accent. For such is the way of life!

Having dinner with Lily Allen and with Sam on the set:

Lindsay Lohan’s career managed to surface from the shitter and cling precariously to the rim of the bowl on Monday when producers of her new romantic comedy “Labor Pains” finally found someone stupid enough to insure her. According to Rush and Molloy

“Labor Pains” producer Rick Schwartz kept getting turned down by insurers. “[Schwartz] could only find one insurance company to cover her, and even then he really had to vouch for her.”

[A Plum Pictures spokesperson said] “Our insurance and bond reps have been impressed with her good behavior. Whatever personal issues she may have had in the past, it is clear to me that work is her total priority. She wants to make this role and this film a success, and I truly believe in her.”

Well, here’s one guy who has no problem attesting to her work ethic: Bobby Brown’s son Landon. Showbiz Spy reveals

Landon enjoyed a fling with Lindsay Lohan in a nightclub’s toilets [in 2006. Landon said,] “Lindsay followed me to the bathroom during a party and, well, we basically got together. We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in. I think she knew who I was.”

So would that be considered “working hard,” or “hardly working?” Ha ha! We all know it doesn’t really matter as long as the word “hard” is involved. Or the word “penis.” She’s a real workhorse when it comes to hard penis.

Dina Lohan continued whoring out her family in the name of ratings at Project Cuddle Friday night. Addressing rumors that her daughter Lindsay is involved in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson, she told OK! Magazine

“If [Lindsay's] happy, I’m happy. That’s all I’ll say. Samantha’s great. I’ve known her and her family for ten years.”

So Dina’s no longer denying it, but she’s not exactly confirming it, either. That’s what’s known in television terms as a “teaser.” The announcer voice would say, “Is Lindsay gay? Isn’t she? Find out on next week’s “Living Lohan,” where Dina scours the tabloids for rumors and then latently substantiates them!” It’s kinda like sitting down to take a dump but only cranking out a couple of farts instead. Nothing of any consequence really happens, and you’re right back where you started, which is either on a toilet or watching a Lohan reality show. Six of one, in my opinion.

Lindsay in L.A. Thursday:

Viewers were outraged by a scene in the premiere episode of E!’s “Living Lohan” that showed mother Dina watching a sex tape of a Lindsay look-alike in front of her 14-year old daughter Ali, going as far as to suggest Dina was guilty of child abuse. The NY Post says

“Last time I checked, allowing a child to watch porn is against the law,” one viewer commented. Another asked, “Does anyone besides me think it’s weird that Dina showed her daughter [such images]?”

The former Justice Department chief of the child exploitation and obscenity section said, “It’s inappropriate but probably not illegal. If there was a situation where a mother was regularly exposing her child to pornography, it would be a concern for state child welfare agencies.”

I don’t see what’s so weird about it. So a daughter walks in on her mom watching a tape of her sister give some dude a blowjob. Who hasn’t had that happen once or twice in their lives? Where it really gets awkward is when you walk in on your mom and dad making their own porno. Especially once you realize your mom is not only taking it from dad but from Mr. Dinkleberg next door and they’re using your canopy bed for the wide-angle shot. And no matter what they try to tell you, that is NOT the way you’re supposed to play “Monkey in the Middle.” Try that during fourth grade recess and see how far you get.

Fast forward to the 3:15 mark if you can’t stomach watching all of it.

Lindsay with Ali in New York on Tuesday: