Britney Spears’ mother’s new book is about to hit the shelves, so all you considering children ought to head down to the Barnes and Noble and stock up while you still can. Advice this good isn’t going to be around for long. You can’t afford to miss some of the more important topics broached in Lynne’s biography — things like when and how to introduce sex and drugs into your child’s daily routine. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” never even touches on that stuff! According to Female First

Lynne Spears’ shocking revelations claim Britney began drinking at 13 and was allegedly caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet when she was just 16.

Dispelling claims Britney lost her virginity to her former boyfriend Justin Timberlake, Lynne says her daughter first had sex with an 18-year-old football player while she attended her local high school in Kentwood.

Lynne admits she allowed [16-year old] Britney to sleep with Justin [and says she] regrets handing control of Britney’s career over to her managers and allowing her to be promoted as a sex object.

I guess once you find out that there’s an age minimum on internet porn and child labor is frowned upon in the States, the only logical thing to do is feed your child to the Hollywood Industry Machine for a quick buck and hope she doesn’t kill herself in the end. Provided there wasn’t a Sarlaac wielding a paycheck or a virgin-hungry volcano spraying stock options anywhere around, of course. A mom can dream, can’t she?

Britney poolside in Vegas:

The details of the restraining order Lynne Spears filed against Sam Lutfi have been made public, and it’s worse than you could have expected. In an excerpt from the six-page declaration obtained by Us Weekly, Lynne makes the following claims:

Sam told Jackie [a family friend] and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills [Risperdon and Seroquel and] puts them in her food. He told me that if he weren’t in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself.

Sam then told Jackie and me that we needed to do whatever he tells us. He then told me, ‘I’m the one who spends 24/7 with your daughter. I sleep in cars outside her house so she can’t leave. If you don’t listen to me, I’m going to make your name shit in the papers.’

Although Britney has several cell phones, he told us that he had disposed of all the phone chargers and had made the house phones unworkable.

At another point in the evening, Sam bragged to me that he is the one who receives Britney’s checks.

Then he said to me, ‘If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.’

Adnan has told me… that Sam hides her dog, London. She looks for him all over the house, crying, and then Sam brings out the dog from the hiding place and acts like her savior.

This is some serious Machiavelli-meets-Charles-Manson type shit. Jesus. You usually only find guys that over-the-top evil in the silent films of the twenties. At least before the talkies they were easy to spot because they had capes and magic amulets and they always skulked about stroking their beards and looking sinister. You can’t exactly stroke a Brazilian chin wax. The best you can do is point at it and say, “The ball sacks go here” or “aim for the center of the strip with your boot.” He’d probably be better off sporting a turban instead.

More Britney Spears, because the power of Christ compels me:

Britney’s family is trying to cut all of her ties to Hollywood and her douchebag entourage, instructing her lawyers cease talking with Sam Lutfi and making plans to take her back home to Louisiana. I hate to break it to them, but there’s still plenty o’ meth in the great state of Louisiana! And if there’s one thing Britney likes, it’s her meth. According to the National Enquirer

Britney Spears had been on a 24-hour meth binge before she was rushed to the hospital. Ironically, she was desperately trying to stay awake — because she was terrified that if she fell asleep, her family would “drag her off to a mental institution,” according to a close source.

Additionally, TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears has been classified as “G.D.” by the staff at UCLA Medical Center. Now, G.D. doesn’t stand for “God Damn that girl is fucked up” or “Ugh, she Got Diarrhea all over the wall again” — it stands for “Gravely Disabled.”

[Being classified G.D.] means the patient is unable to take care of basic needs, such as the acquisition of food, clothing or shelter. Being G.D. is one of the criteria for involuntary commitment.

Several health care professionals tell us Britney has fallen into a “manic state” due to her bipolar disorder. She arrived at the hospital this morning at around 2:15 AM, but wasn’t admitted until 4:15 AM because she was causing such a scene. We’re told Britney screamed, “The only reason [my mother's] admitting me is because she wants to be alone with her boyfriend! She wants to sleep with my boyfriend!!” Britney never said exactly who she was talking about.

That would mean Britney honestly believes her mother wants to boink one of the following:

1. Adnan Ghalib

2. Kevin Federline

3. Sam Lutfi

The bitch is clearly delusional. There is nobody in the world except for Britney who would want their genitals within a five-mile radius of these losers. Seriously, I don’t even know where to start. You could ask somebody, “Hey, would you like to have sex with one of these guys, or could I interest you in expressing the anal glands of this pack of angry dogs?” That’s when I’d reach for the Vaseline and thank God for groin protectors and latex gloves.

Britney the night before the hospital, take 2:

After a fight with manager Sam “Napoleon” Lutfi left her visibly shaken Monday night, Britney spent Tuesday on a free-for-all shopping spree. First stop on the spending express? A CVS down in the valley. According to Page Six

Britney Spears had something else to cry about last night — her credit card was declined. At a drugstore in the San Fernando Valley, the singer’s Black American Express Card was shot down. Of course, the money trouble didn’t stop Brit from hitting up the Beverly Hills Hotel with Sam and mom Lynne before moving on to a Mercedes dealership.

Well, that’s because you can’t decline Benjamin Franklin, baby! Britney paid for her new SLK 350 Mercedes in cash. But despite driving off in the black-on-black $55,000 two-seater, the trip to the dealership wasn’t exactly all fun and unchecked spending. People Magazine says

According to an insider, “Lynne and Britney were arguing in the car the whole time. They’re both upset, not having a good time at all. After [Britney] came out [of the dealership], she pulled over to the side of the road to argue with her mom more.”

Somehow the screaming matches with her best friend and the heated arguments with her estranged mother haven’t cured Britney of her bizarre behavior, because later the same afternoon, she was seen shopping again with Lutfi and even more out of it than ever. The insider continues

“She was talking in a slight accent. She really wanted some Bubblelicious gum and she kept asking Sam for it and got frustrated when he didn’t have any. Her mood lifted when she found some in her bag.”

There is almost something tragically Flowers for Algernon-esque about Britney’s last few months. Not the similar loss of innocence or the “partaking of the Tree of Knowledge” metaphor per se, but, you know — the whole “retarded mouse” bit. If Algernon had dinner plate sized nipples and crappy British accent, I’d almost swear it was a story about Britney. Except it was written in 1961 and the mouse was supposed to get really smart at some point. Too bad “Dumb and Dumber” wasn’t ever a novel, or I’d have a great literary reference to end this post.

You can make out a good bit of nipple here, but I deem them LSFW because she’s wearing a shirt:

Dr. Phil McGraw showed up Cedars-Sinai Saturday morning to counsel the recently hospitalized Britney Spears. And I meant “counsel” in the literal form of the word, from the Latin consilium meaning “try to capitalize on others’ misfortunes and then exploit them for ratings.” Maslow and Jung can kiss his big Texan ass! According to People magazine

In a statement to Entertainment Tonight, McGraw said: “My meeting with Britney and some family members this morning in at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention. She was released moments before my arrival and was packing when I entered the room. We visited for about an hour before I walked with her to her car.”

Dr. Phil is devoting his Monday taping to the pop star’s problems. The show will air [Tuesday].

But it seems that nobody alerted Britney to his impending arrival, and she didn’t so much “chat with him” as “completely ignore him as he chased behind her still running his flap.” According to TMZ

Cedars Sinai Medical Center let Dr. Phil go up to Britney Spears’ room without her prior knowledge or consent. Britney had no idea Dr. Phil was coming to her room and indeed when he walked in she became agitated and walked out. The show wanted to book Brit for a TV intervention that is being taped on Monday. We’re told she wants nothing to do with it, and the show will not have her on.

Who, oh, who could have possibly orchestrated this, then? Did you guess “the same woman who sold out her other teenage daughter’s illegitimate pregnancy to the tabloids?” Well, you’d be right!

We’re also told Brit’s parents, who wanted Dr. Phil to visit Britney, had agreed at least initially to be on the program.

It takes a special woman to knowingly shove her children down the gullet of the Great Satan and then wait for him to start shitting dollar bills. It also takes a special woman to wander the parking lot of the Phillips 66 in a mesh tube top and offer head to the next syphilitic trucker she sees for a finsky and a smoke. Coincidence? Find out on Tuesday’s all-new Dr. Phil!

It would seem that Britney was unaware of sister Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy, because there’s video footage last night of her dismissing the paparazzi’s claims with a “My sister’s not pregnant. Whatever.” In her defense, Britney probably learned of her own pregnancy via the paparazzi and said the same thing. One person who did know? The company publishing mother Lynne Spears’ guide to parenting. According to People Magazine

“The book has been delayed indefinitely,” says a spokeswoman for Thomas Nelson, which publishes inspirational books and Bibles. It had been scheduled for a spring 2008 release and was put on hold [after] news hit that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn is pregnant with her boyfriend’s child.

I’m guessing Thomas Nelson finally recognized the tremendous waste of publishing a Lynne Spears guide to parenting. It’s the same reason nobody jumped at the chance to publish Quasimodo’s “Musings on Orthopedics” or Dog the Bounty Hunter’s “Field Guide to Racial Relations.” Most people are doing a pretty good job fucking up their kids on their own.

When you think “Lindsay Lohan” and “Britney Spears,” I know the first thing that comes to your mind is “Why in God’s name haven’t their mothers written a book on successful parenting? Or at least made a reality show chronicling their everyday experiences as an empowered single mother?” Well, the wait is over, my friends! Us Weekly reports

Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears is writing a book on parenting for Christian publisher Thomas Nelson. The book, which will be coming out next Mother’s Day is titled Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World. It’s a parenting book that’s going to have faith elements to it.

People magazine adds

Filming is set to begin Oct. 30 on the untitled E! reality TV series starring Dina Lohan. [Dina], who will serve as the show’s executive producer, [says] she wants the show to empower single mothers by illustrating her own life as a working mom. “It’s about empowering women to be successful single mothers. About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. Working is my sole source of income. There are so many misconceptions about me and my family. I’m setting the record straight.”

Some little girls might say they want to be a doctor or an astronaut or even president when they grow up, but we all know that deep down, every girl’s dream is to be a coked-up slut with multiple takes in rehab. And with Dina’s new show and Lynne’s new book, you’ll be able to ensure they do just that. Girls don’t just magically turn into whores with drinking problems overnight, you know. It takes years of capitalizing on their fame and paychecks, a bitter divorce or two and completely indulging them at every turn so they see you as a friend rather than a authoritarian in order to complete the metamorphosis. Don’t let your daughters settle for a college degree when there’s a whole world of drug-fueled debauchery and chronic abortions just over the horizon!

Lindsay and Riley Giles sucking face: