JLo and husband Marc Anthony have secured the rights to their own reality show on The Learning Channel. Ten bucks says she’ll still find a way to work in a wind machine and video retouching. According to the NY Daily News

The show will “deliver a slice of [Lopez's] life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first-time mom,” [the] TLC President said.

Lopez will finance and produce the show, which is under development and has no launch date yet.

“Reality” show my ass. Reality is not you in four hours in hair and makeup and perma-cooing, immaculately attired babies nestled in the crooks of your arms. Reality is you 36 hours unshowered with baby barf in your hair, staggering around the nursery at three in the morning to find the GD binky that fell out of its mouth without turning on the lights and really waking it up and then almost breaking your ankle on one of those stupid Leap Frog toys that springs to life with an animated version of “Old McDonald” at what appears to be 120 decibels. I’m betting JLo’s new show will showcase as much reality as an episode of “The Hills.”

At Shine A Light at the Ziegfeld Theater last month

Jennifer Lopez, never one to shy away from outrageous and ridiculous demands (White flowers. White tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise!), is taking “diva status” to a whole new level with her upcoming People Magazine baby shoot. According to TMZ

Not only has Jennifer Lopez sold her baby pics to People mag for a cool $6 mil — she got the mag to agree to stop calling her JLo! JLo [also insisted] that her hubby Marc Anthony be the one to shoot the photos.

… Thereby assuring that the undersigned Jennifer Lopez, hereby referred to on this site as “JLo,” “J-Ho” and “J-Blow,” respectively, assumes all responsibility for actual, consequential, incidental, special or exemplary damages resulting from, caused by or associated with such a stupid fucking useless demand in the first place.

Jennifer Lopez finally revealed the names of her twins to People Magazine on Friday — they’re calling them Max and Emme. Sound familiar? Max and Emme are also the names of the little Latino brother and sister on PBS’ Dragon Tales. How original. Other names the Lopez-Anthonys considered before ripping off PBS Kids:

10. Clifford and Emily Elizabeth

9. Bert and Ernie

8. Anthony and Jeff

7. Barney and Baby Bop

6. Scoop and Roley

5. Thomas and Claribel

4. King Friday and Mr. McFeely

3. Dora and Boots

2. Christopher Robin and Piglet

and the number one kids show character rip-off considered by the Lopez-Anthonys:

1. Tinky Winky and Po

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hosting a $200,000 ‘Welcome to the World’ (their words, not mine) party to celebrate the birth of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s twins. According to Female First

A source said: “Tom and Katie are thrilled for Jennifer and Marc and have offered to throw a Welcome to the World bash for the twins next month.” The party at Tom and Katie’s Los Angeles home will have a pink and blue theme and guests expected to attend include John Travolta, Eva Longoria Parker and David and Victoria Beckham.

With a price tag of 200 grand, you can expect plenty of super-fun Scientology party games like “Pin the Repressed Memory on the E-Meter,” “How Many Invisible Thetans in This Jar?” and my personal favorite, “Silent Music-less Chairs.” It’s sure to be a very un-glib time for everyone involved!

Jennifer “Chins” Lopez finally gave birth this morning to twins — a boy and a girl. According to People Magazine

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. “Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” [says] Lopez’s manager.

I bet the nurses promptly doused the twins with tabasco and rolled them in peppercorn so Marc Anthony wouldn’t gobble them down the first chance he got. Trolls don’t care for the muy picante. That’s why you’ll never find any trolls eating Indian people. In fact, the only thing a troll hates more than a spicy baby is a baby covered in Marshmallow Peeps and coconut, which is why Easter is actually one of the most troll-free holidays around. It also explains why you never see Kirsten Dunst swinging an basket full of brightly colored eggs and candy anywhere she goes. You can’t argue with the facts, man.

People Magazine is rumored to have paid six million dollars for the rights to publish the exclusive first pics of JLo’s twins here in the U.S., but OK! magazine was only interested in securing the international publishing rights for the shots of the babies. Why would a tabloid magazine giant pass on the publishing rights to the largest tabloid market in the world? Well, to be honest, because Jennifer Lopez sucks. MSNBC says

One magazine industry insider said that frankly, Lopez’ appeal in the U.S. isn’t as broad as many people — including Lopez — would like to think. “Look at her track record with her movies, and look at her album sales. The U.S. market hasn’t been fascinated with her in some time. It makes more sense to not spend a fortune on photos that won’t cause a noticeable increase on the newsstand. This just isn’t going to sell like Shiloh (Jolie-Pitt), and $6 million is a lot of money.”

I remember a time when Bennifer was king and Britney Spears wasn’t on the cover of ever tabloid magazine known to man. Jenny From The Block’s manufactured dance tunes played on every pop music radio station and you couldn’t turn around without being slapped in the face with a new JLo fragrance or clothing venture. Like Dickens said, it was the worst of times. That’s why I always refer to 2001 as “The Year of the Devil.” That, and it’s the same year George Bush came into office and they canceled “Cleopatra 2525” and “The Tick.” That’s got the stink of Satan all over it.

Model Ana Beatriz Barros modeling for JLo’s accessory line because JLo is fat and boring:

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have decided to follow in the silent footsteps of fellow Scientologist Katie Holmes when it comes to birthing their baby. London’s The Sun says

Jennifer Lopez [will be] giving birth naturally, quiet, and free from painkillers. J-Lo and husband Marc Anthony are keen followers of [Scientology and believe] that loud hospital environments and doctor’s shouts of ‘push push’ can have damaging effects on a newborn later in life. A pal of the 38-year-old [said]: “Although she knows it will be hard not to scream, she understands why it will be good for the baby to have peace and quiet.”

Perhaps more than her maternal screams possibly scarring the infant, J-Lo should consider the life-long impact of being snatched up in the sinewy arms of that hobgoblin they call “Marc Anthony.” The doctor might as well chuck the baby in a ransacked grave and see how it bonds with a partially-exhumed corpse or let it cuddle with a sewer rat for a couple of hours. Not that the idea of silence in and of itself is so bad. In fact, I’d even go as far to say a totally silent JLo/Marc Anthony album is damn near brilliant. It’s really more about getting the silence timing right.

Silent birther Katie Holmes doing her best middle-aged elementary school secretary last week: