Newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon hosted a Magic Mountain wedding party at Six Flags in Los Angeles Tuesday night. Themed “Mariah and Nick — A Love Story,” Mimi booked the entire park for the evening. TMZ says of the party:

The newlyweds were driven around the park in a golf cart. At all times, Mariah was followed by a hairstylist and makeup artist. Mimi had her own private pot to piss in, with guards right outside the bathroom — you know, to keep her friends out. Their guests were [relegated to] non-private [shitters].

So they’re saying that Mariah actually goes to the bathroom? Wow — now there’s a surprise. I was fairly certain that the only thing coming out of her bottom looked like rainbows and smelled like angel whispers. Turns out her dump requires a staff of burly men blockading the powder room door. Boy, she makes my Uncle Tony look like a fucking amateur.

Don’t breathe in:

Three weeks ago, Mariah Carey claimed that she didn’t want children of her own “because of childhood traumatic stuff” (I’m guessing something with colorful winged insects getting stuck in her ranch dressing hose). But since walking down the aisle with Nick “Nobody” Cannon, Mariah has suddenly changed her tune. According to Rush and Molloy

Yesterday, one of Carey’s assistants called L.A.’s chic baby boutique Petit Tresor to talk about preparing for a little roommate. Mariah’s office asked if the store could send fabric samples with the theme of - you guessed it - butterflies! The Petit crew is sending pictures of the nursery they just finished for Jennifer Lopez’s twins.

The unfortunate thing about babies — however cute they may be — is that they inevitably grow up into awkward teenagers with braces and acne and the insatiable urge to abuse their bodies. Everything Mariah owns is pink and fluffy and covered in butterflies and glitter. You can see where I’m going with this. The only thing Mariah Carey should ever considering mothering is maybe a rainbow unicorn or a Barbie Mariposa. Something imaginary and guaranteed not to ruin your life with its cystic boils and angst and struggle for identity. And also something that does most of its pooping outside.

Mariah at Fred Segal’s on Sunday:

Singer Mariah Carey secretly married boyfriend Nick Cannon in an impromptu Bahama wedding on Wednesday. Best part is, she didn’t make him sign a pre-nup. The New York Post says

Carey married little-screen actor Nick Cannon at the home Carey just bought in Eleuthera. “They have been smitten with each other for days, weeks,” a friend said. “And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced, maybe this is true instant love. There was no pre-nup - there wasn’t time.”

Nick Cannon’s biggest claim to fame is getting dumped by Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks five months after he proposed to her. Mariah Carey, on the other hand, just surpassed Elvis as the artist with the most number one Billboard singles in history. Even if “All That” was shown 57 times a day in all 195 countries around the world for the next quarter of a century, Nick still wouldn’t have come within smelling range of Mariah Carey’s income tax bracket. But now that’s he’s married her, he gets to wipe his ass with Benjamin Franklin’s face for the rest of his life. The only way this guy could be any luckier is if his parents happened to be leprechaun-genie hybrids who lived in a wishing well.

Mariah Carey has yet to confirm it, but the diamond ring she’s wearing on her left hand definitely came from her new fiance, Nick Cannon. According to Page Six

Cannon bought the bauble for $2.5 million at Jacob & Co, [where our] witness overheard Cannon telling Jacob they are set to marry. Carey’s new bling is 17 carats, with a whopping 10-carat center stone, and made of rare pink and purple diamonds.

Nick could have saved himself a few bucks and a little dignity if he’d just tied himself to a sleeping bear, then sounded an airhorn in its face and started poking it with sticks made of angry bees. Same results as a lifetime spent with Mariah Carey, only a hell of a lot faster and cheaper. And you might get to keep your balls.

The She-Bear at the Tribeca premiere of her new movie “Tennessee” April 26th:

Mariah Carey showed up at Hot 97 studios in New York yesterday in the biggest, most unflattering pair of denim shorts the world has ever known, including Levi’s brief foray into bib-front overall shorts and the Navy’s unfortunate experiment with military-issue denim culottes. She got the knickers part right, but if she really wants to work the Regency Era, she’s missing the tailed jacket and a pair of shoes with buckles. Also a powdered wig. It’d help if she had consumption or dropsy or maybe unchecked syphilis and a staunch opinion on The Great Reform Act of 1832. Sorry, Mariah, but you’ve got nothing on colonial Williamsburg.

Mariah Carey was on Oprah this past Monday promoting her new album E=MC2, and naturally, nobody cared. The pregnant man, Jenny McCarthy and even Jamie Lee Curtis shows all boasted higher ratings than Mimi’s Big O appearance. And then, strike two: Tuesday night’s Mariah-themed episode of “American Idol” was the lowest-rated Tuesday airing of Idol in a month.

What does this all mean, you ask?

It means that there is such a thing as “media saturation.” It means that someone at Island Records might want to rethink the target demographic. It means that taking a peek inside someone’s 3,000 square foot panty drawer isn’t as goddamn fascinating as some people might think. Now, if it were a closet full of medieval weaponry or a laser tag arena, we might actually be getting somewhere. See, unlike Mariah Carey, I have my finger firmly on the pulse of the nation. When I’m not using it to give her the bird or dial 900 numbers, of course. Word on the street is I’m too cool for school.

Mariah lipsynching on Idol after the jump

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Ashlee Simpson’s new album “Bittersweet World” is already looking like a gigantic flop, and it hasn’t even hit the store shelves yet. First, its release was mysteriously pushed back half a year, and second, it’s chock-full of songs sung by Ashlee Simpson. Now there’s even more bad news — Mariah Carey will be releasing her new album just two days before Ashlee’s drops, which translates to lots of Simpson dollars lost in the wake of the S.S. Mariah. What’s a girl to do except find a way to make Mariah’s album available illegally online weeks before its release? MSNBC reports

Tracks from [Mariah's new album] “E=MC2″ have leaked onto the Internet since [her first single "Touch My Body"] was released last week. One record industry source thinks the culprit could be someone from the Simpson camp hoping to dilute the impact of Carey’s release.

“Joe Simpson has every right to be nervous about Ashlee going up against Mariah. They are backed into a corner with this release date since they already changed it once. Their only option in fighting the Mariah machine would be to create a way to make the album’s release less newsworthy.”

Joe Simpson, evil mastermind? You’re telling me the guy mesmerized by his own daughter’s jugs and Members Only jackets is going to somehow finesse the piracy of one of the most anticipated albums of the year? I don’t think so. Now showing up dressed like a pirate and making jokes about Jessica’s boobs in a Blackbeardy voice I could totally believe.

Ashlee and Pete Wimpz at OK!’s “Viva La Karaoke” in New York March 31st:

There’s something different about Mariah Carey on the cover of her latest album E=MC2. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s extra four inches of leg or the missing ten inches of waist. Maybe it’s the color of her skin and the circumference of her thighs. Maybe it’s that the girl on the left should be filed under “moon landing,” “Tooth Fairy” and “Imagination Station,” and the girl on the right belongs under the heading “semi-aquatic sea mammals” and “pork products.” Unless the mass–energy equivalence is somehow part of the photoshop process, it’s safe to assume E=MC2 stands for Everything Mariah Computer-altered. Twice.

The real Mariah:

If you’ve been holding off on wearing your ToughSkins because you couldn’t find the right shoe to compliment the jeans, look no further than Mariah Carey here. Think zebra-inspired platform heels two sizes too small. The big toe should hang off the front about an inch or so. You also want the shoe to make a two-stair descent impossible without the assistance of an eighty year old. Pleather is a nice touch, too. So is being fat. You payin’ attention there, Anna Wintour? You might want to start writing this stuff down. It’s fashion gold.

UPDATE: Now with linkage, for the kids who are too young to remember the glory that was ToughSkins. Thanks, scarpetta!

More of Mariah Carey teetering around at AGO on Monday after the jump

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Mariah Carey attended the VH1’s Save the Music gala Thursday night, and although she’s looking somewhat slimmer than recent appearances — she wants us all to know that we don’t have to worry about her losing that sweet, sweet Carey badunkadunk! From People:

But there’s no chance of Carey, 38, losing her womanly curves. “I don’t feel like you have to be a size zero. We should all just embrace who we are physically,” she said. “I’m not supposed to be a stick figure girl. It’s just not me.” Last year, the singer first confessed her “bleak” diet consisted of “basically soups and fish prepared really blandly.” And Carey couples the nutrition plan with arguably the most well-traveled trainer in town.

First of all, I’m not worried about Mariah Carey dropping to a size zero because I don’t think Mariah Carey’s skeleton is a size zero. Second of all, fish and soup my ass. I have it in good faith that Mariah Carey’s real “diet secret” consists of a daily trip to the “all you can eat buffet” down at the Ponderosa chased with 2 boxes of Krispy Kremes and two fingers down the gullet. Throw in a titanium strength corset, and presto — instant diet!

More of Mariah in all her retarded, butterfly ring wearing glory, after the jump.

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