Actress Scarlett Johansson is officially off the market, at least for the next, oh, year and a half, tops. According to Us Weekly

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are now husband and wife, her rep has confirmed to Usmagazine.com.The wedding took place Saturday evening at a remote wilderness resort outside Vancouver. Guests included Scarlett’s mother, Melanie Sloan, and her brother, Adrian Johansson.

How rustic and quaint! A wilderness wedding. I get it. The becoming one with nature as they become one with each other and stuff. I would now like to offer my congratulations with a heartfelt toast. Hang on, what’s Canadian for “pretentious asswipes” again?

Scarlett in the August issue of Gloss Magazine:

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi finally made it official over the weekend. Their spokesperson told People Magazine

“Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles. DeGeneres, 50, and de Rossi, 35, both wore Zac Posen and exchanged rings by Neil Lane during the Saturday ceremony.

The intimate ceremony was attended by 19 guests who witnessed the couple exchange handwritten vows.”

I suppose the eternal love and together foreverness is alright, but once two lesbians are legally bound and cohabiting, they lose a lot of freedoms they for granted. Namely, the freedom to ask, “Your face or mine tonight?” I swear, that never gets old!

Jessica Alba married long-time boyfriend and father of her no-longer-bastard child Cash Warren in a civil ceremony in Beverly Hills yesterday. People Magazne says

Warren arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m, applied for a marriage license and waited for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail. Nobody else attended the wedding.

Well, it’s like they say — “Give a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” May their love burn bright the rest of their days! Or until they file for divorce two years down the road due to “irreconcilable differences.”

With her mom last week:

Looks like Joe Simpson’s shameless begging paid off — despite their recent split, Tony Romo was on hand to escort maid of honor Jessica Simpson down the aisle at little sister Ashlee’s wedding this weekend. People Magazine says

Simpson and her NFL-star beau were spotted together Friday… during Ashlee’s rehearsal dinner, held at Jessica’s Beverly Hills home. “They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. “She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.”

As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo [and Jessica] “were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

Joe Simpson likes to fancy himself as some kind of clever pirate, commandeering his daughter’s lives and steering them toward his own fiscal success. The reality is he’s like a retarded puppeteer who mostly uses his sock puppets for jerking off and keeping his hand cool while he shoots himself in the foot.

Ashlee Simpson is all set to get married to boyfriend Pete Wentz this weekend. Squeal! Us Weekly says

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice.” On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location.”

In lieu of cash, you could probably just send the happy couple boxes of tampons and Lady Bics. You know, something they can both use for years to come!

Ashlee with friends in L.A. on Sunday:

Singer Mariah Carey secretly married boyfriend Nick Cannon in an impromptu Bahama wedding on Wednesday. Best part is, she didn’t make him sign a pre-nup. The New York Post says

Carey married little-screen actor Nick Cannon at the home Carey just bought in Eleuthera. “They have been smitten with each other for days, weeks,” a friend said. “And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced, maybe this is true instant love. There was no pre-nup - there wasn’t time.”

Nick Cannon’s biggest claim to fame is getting dumped by Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks five months after he proposed to her. Mariah Carey, on the other hand, just surpassed Elvis as the artist with the most number one Billboard singles in history. Even if “All That” was shown 57 times a day in all 195 countries around the world for the next quarter of a century, Nick still wouldn’t have come within smelling range of Mariah Carey’s income tax bracket. But now that’s he’s married her, he gets to wipe his ass with Benjamin Franklin’s face for the rest of his life. The only way this guy could be any luckier is if his parents happened to be leprechaun-genie hybrids who lived in a wishing well.

Carmen Electra set to get married a third time, this time to boyfriend Rob Patterson of Korn. Is that true love I smell? Or did somebody just forget to flush again. According to People Magazine

Patterson, 37, who is the former touring guitarist for Korn, popped the question over the weekend while he and Electra were in Las Vegas to celebrate her 36th birthday. The couple have been dating less than a year.

Mind you, this woman got drilled by Dennis Rodman. More than once. A six foot seven inch black guy. I bet having sex with her now is like stirring a cup of coffee with a spoon. Sure, it’s warm and wet, but you have to really swirl it around to hit all the sides. Congratulations, Korn guy! You really won big.

Vegas Birthday bash:

They’ve been married for all of 14 days now, and the honeymoon is already over for Beyonce and Jay-Z. According to The Mirror

The newlyweds have had their first lovers’ tiff. It kicked off at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. [Jay-Z] climbed on stage [and started] rapping over a few songs. The DJ slapped on one of Beyonce’s biggest hits, Crazy In Love. Jay-Z… stormed to the mic and growled “Fuck that. Sorry, Bey, but fuck that - let’s play something else.”

Furious, Bey stalked off. After he came off stage, she confronted him, demanding to know what the hell his comments had been about. She was gesturing wildly and not looking happy.

Ah, marriage. That special union that makes his formerly cute little habit of winking seem like a fucking Tourettes’ tic and his penchant for leaving wet towels in the floor a direct assault on your emotional well-being. Like Katherine Hepburn once said, “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz announced that they are getting married in a statement posted on their blog yesterday. Ashlee wrote:

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I, and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes – it means the world to us.”

In a special Yeeeah! exclusive, I got a hold the vows Pete and Ashlee have written for each other for the big day. Pete’s were written in his own tears, so they impossible to make out, but Ashlee’s are posted below:

I, Ashlee, take you, Pete, to be my lawfully wedded husband, my never-ending source of hair product, my sexually ambiguous soul mate and partner from this day forward.

In the presence of God, my dad and your psychiatrist, I offer you my solemn vow to be yours in Ativan overdoses and in health, in good times and in bad, and in good hair days as well as the days your flat iron short circuits.

I promise to share my eyeliner, my skinny jeans and my nail polish with you, to cry with you and cut with you, and to never make you actually touch my vagina for as long as we both shall live.

The happy couple leaving Beso restaurant in Hollywood April 5th:

Though there has yet to be any official confirmation, singer Beyonce Knowles and her boyfriend of six years, rapper Jay-Z, were reportedly married Friday night in New York. The bride wore a white V-neck gown and a white flower in her hair, keeping theme with an all-white ceremony that included guests Gwyneth Paltrow, her husband Chris Martin, and former Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams. Noticeably absent: The Game, Mase, and Nas. According to OK! Magazine

The ceremony was followed by a lavish party at Jay-Z’s penthouse apartment in NYC’s Tribeca neighborhood, decorated with white orchids and the number ‘4,’ signifying the birthday number Beyonce and Jay-Z both share (Beyonce in September, Jay-Z in December). 60,000 custom-designed white orchid blooms [were flown in] from Thailand for the ceremony.

The only thing more boring than this? The Dewey Decimal system, televised bass fishing, and the interpretive dance version of “Lost in Translation.”

G to the izz-O, P to the izz-A big pimpin at the reception:

Rapper Jay-Z and singer Beyonce are finally ready to tie the knot. Blah blah getting married blah blah zzzzzz. People magazine says

Beyoncé Knowles and longtime beau Jay-Z have taken out a marriage license in Scarsdale, N.Y.. According to a source, the pair obtained a license Tuesday morning. The document is valid for 60 days.

In other more interesting news, Lindsay Lohan took a nose-picking constitutional around Beverly Hills with DJ Samantha Ronson yesterday. You know that old saying — you can pick your friends, and your can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your lesbian enabler’s nose! Unless she’s letting a couple of chunks of coke go to waste up there, in which case it’s your civic duty to help yourself to the leftovers. They don’t call it the Law of Conservation of Mass for nothin’.

Dig deeper:

American Idol runner up Katharine McPhee got married to some old guy you never heard of over the weekend. People magazine says

The 23-year-old and producer Nick Cokas, 42, exchanged vows in a late [Saturday] afternoon ceremony at Beverly Hills Presbyterian Church. McPhee wore a strapless ivory Manuel Mota gown and Neil Lane jewels. Fellow season five Idol contestants Kellie Pickler and Mandisa were among the 305 guests on hand for the nuptials.

You might remember her nineteen-years-her-senior husband from his previous jobs bringing Charlotte scraps of paper with words describing Wilbur and making magic potions to kill the Smurfs. It’s a match made in heaven, alright.

The happy couple leaving on their honeymoon yesterday: