Matthew McConaughey spent a week away from his pregnant girlfriend earlier this month, drinking himself retarded and groping female patrons at the Iguana Bar in San Juan Del Sur. An eyewitness told Star Magazine

“He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old. He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.

A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him in a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, ‘I’ve lost my flip-flops!’”

Nothing says “new dad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. Wait, not “new dad.” I meant “nude ad.” Nothing says “nude ad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. The last time I passed out in a gutter, my picture ended up front and center on concert posters for a punk band called “Drainage Ditch Debbie.” I have yet to see a paycheck for it, either.

Girlfriend Camila Alves in Spanish Elle February of this year:

This is all news to me, but apparently actor Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear anything that inhibits his natural smell. That means no cologne and no deodorant. And he hasn’t worn it for more than 20 years. According to Page Six

While on the set of Fool’s Gold, actress Kate Hudson begged the shirtless one to scrap his long-standing anti-deodorant policy. “She always brings a salt rock, which is some natural deodorant, and says, ‘Would you please put this on?’” he said. “I just never wore it. No cologne, no deodorant.”

Matthew [insists] that the ladies dig it, saying, “The women in my life, including my mother, have all said, ‘Hey, your natural smell smells, one, like a man, and, two, smells like you.’” Kate, apparently, was an exception. Not that he’s against hygiene. He brushes his teeth at least five times a day and claims, “I take a few [showers] a day.”

Total surprise. I always imagined Matthew McConaughey would smell like virility and handsomeness. I wouldn’t have in a million years pictured him smelling like a cabbie in the middle of July. But even without the deodorant, there have still got to be hundreds of celebrities that smell worse than Matt. To save time, I’ll just list ten:

10. Paris Hilton — straight up jizz

9. Tara Reid — vodka, but with base notes of jizz and soggy cigarette butts

8. Kirstie Alley — kung pao chicken and krispy kreme

7. Jared Leto — Always with Wings^TM

6. Rumer Willis — potatoes

5. Andy Dick — jizz and nasal drip coke breath

4. Courtney Love — cheap whiskey and vomit

3. Amy Winehouse — tears and three-day gin bender sweat

2. Fergie — tinkle and synthetic estrogen

AND THE NUMBER ONE SMELLIEST CELEBRITY:

1. Britney Spears — sweat, cheetos, and Marlboro Lights, with a whiff of menstruation (NSFW)

Matthew McConaughey’s girlfriend of a year Camila Alves is three months pregnant with their first child. McConaughey writes on his personal site (NOT making this up, via Us Weekly)

“my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together… its 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and a father, and [shepherding] him or her through this life… thanks for bein fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep livin…

wow, McConaughey”

Interestingly, he wrote the whole thing from the back of a pickup using a only a hayseed, a quarter bag of bud, and an empty two-liter of Sun Drop. Somebody else played the banjo and held his shirt for him.

Vintage McConaughey for my ladies:

Matthew McConaughey told Oprah Winfrey he has a new dog to replace Ms. Hud, the faithful pet he toured America with for 12 years. A snarky guy like me never cry, but I was almost in tears when I heard the story of Ms. Hud:

“Ms Hud, that’s a good woman there… I got her in a pound in Tucson, Arizona, 12 years ago and cancer got her. We went on a road trip from California to Florida and back. She got diagnosed with cancer in Louisiana on the way east. We got her leg amputated on the way back. We went for swims in the river… in Texas, and then we made it back, and the night she got me back home she fell off the bed and looked up and was like, ‘Hey man… I need a little help.’ I took her to the hospital that morning and her hind legs were paralysed… The doctor said, ‘We’ve amputated hind legs before but that’s with dogs who have two front legs.’ He and I looked at each other and I said, ‘Ms Hud, do you wanna be a one-legged dog?’ and she looks up and she says, ‘Let me move on, Pop,’ so we let her move on.”

This story reminded me of my dog Sparky. The cute little beast had no hind legs and balls of steel.

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