The Daily Mail has pictures of Mena Suvari frolicking in the surf in another cheek-baring bikini this week. It begs the question “Does an ass this marvelous have magical powers?” I’m sure her bottom could grant wishes and maybe cure cancer if you just knew how to harness its power. For the record, burying your face in the crack and motorboating like you’re demon-possessed does not unlock its supernatural potential. Nor does getting a good running start with your spanking hand outstretched or putting her in a headlock and attempting to “play the bongos” while she thrashes around like a bluefish in a trolling net. Unless your one true wish happens to be a black eye and a restraining order, in which case, have at it, Slappy.

You’d think it’d be damn near impossible for Mena Suvari to ruin a thong bikini. It’s a thong, and it’s a bikini, for Chrissakes. A win-win. But then your eye gets pulled unwittingly upwards, and your brain forces your eyes to strain until you make out the words “Word… Sound… Power” tattooed there on her upper back. And before you can pull your gaze back where it belongs, you realize the insufferable “Word Sound Power” is actually tattooed beneath another tattoo… and this one is a portrait of a fucking lion. Mother of God. And then she turns around and she’s got either a fancy number three or some kind of larva transitioning into the pupa stage right there on her xiphoid process and you start hyperventilating until your mom brings you your inhaler and makes you zip up your pants. Oh, don’t think I don’t know what you do in your spare time, loser! Just like God and the Bush administration, I see everything!