You’ve been waiting for it, boys and girls, and now here it is: Britney Spears sex tape stills. You’re welcome! RobbyR of Project X-Tapes says:

This looks exactly like her, I’d be shocked if it was NOT her. The only reason I am cautious to say “100% positive proof”… is not finding the dark freckle on her left side stomach on any other pictures I have of her. The wrist tattoo matches… two tattoos very low on her stomach are not visible in the bathtub pictures because her legs are bent up… while she pleasures herself with the bath water.”

If only there was a way to know for sure. Like if fat rolls worked like tree rings or if Cheetos dust could be seen with an ultraviolet light.

UPDATE: Pictures are working now. May God have mercy on your souls.

Holy hell NSFW:

I hope you’re sitting down, because this is guaranteed to make your panties explode. I’m talking blow the zipper right off your Wranglers. Are you ready? Okay, here goes: MSNBC reports

Kelly Clarkson enjoys walking around her home in the buff, no matter the circumstances. That would include not just when close friends are around, but even when her home is “filled with strangers for photo shoots or fittings.”

Why?

“I just really like being naked,” [says] the “American Idol” star.

You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers.

Kelly not naked at Burbank airport last month:

It’s a day ending in “y,” so by my calculations, it’s time for Sienna Miller to show us her snatch/tits again! And in case you missed her boobs the first time she pulled her bikini top down (photo left), then check out the tit-tastic view when she pulls her top up (photo right). And then down again (thumbnail 4)! And now back up again (thumbnail 2)! And then check out the view when she circles them with magic marker and puts flashing police lights on either side of them and has a little midget in a rhinestone jumpsuit scream “SIENNA MILLER TITTIES” out of a megaphone while blasting an airhorn and throwing confetti! I’m not one hundred percent sure here, but I think she might want us to check out her boobies. Of course, that’s just an educated guess. Don’t quote me on that.

I already told you about Lindsay Lohan’s latest “serious” movie role as a nymphomaniac waitress in the movie “Florence.” But what I didn’t tell you — it will also star her beaver. Take that, “Herbie: Fully Loaded” critics! The Sun says

Producers only wanted 21-year-old Lindsay to go topless during red-hot sex scenes and were stunned when she told them she would be happy to do a full frontal. And despite usually commanding seven-figures, Lindsay has agreed to strip off for [a mere $40,000]. A Hollywood pal added: “Lindsay wants to build up an image as a mature, responsible actress.”

Hmmm… so, based on what I’ve just read, “mature” and “responsible” must be code words for “break out the poonanny.” Note to self: revise résumé and mortgage application ASAP.

Billie Jean is not my lover:

Lindsay Lohan is bound and determined to flex the ol’ acting muscle with her latest movie role. According to The Sun

Lindz has reportedly sealed a deal to strip naked in a new movie called Florence. Star magazine claim the 21-year-old will be paid just £37,500 for the opportunity to play a sex mad waitress. A source tells the magazine: “She just wants to remind people she can act and she’s worth hiring.”

Surely such a stretch will be worthy of Academy gold! She should consider other equally challenging roles like “washed-up former child star turned coke addict” or “penis-gobbing scourge of L.A.” I can almost smell the Oscars from here!

Lindsay leaving Nicole Richie’s house on Monday:

Radar Online has a photo of Amy Winehouse nude save her guitar and a little strategically-placed electrical tape as part of a breast cancer awareness campaign in next month’s “Easy Living” magazine. Unfortunately, Pete Doherty’s nude-but-artfully-taped “Just Say No to Ball Cancer” didn’t quite make the cut.

My psychotic instincts may have been a little off yesterday, because it turns out that mock-turtlenecked and be-Burberried-dog-flanked “Sex and the City” star Kristin Davis is in fact the one gobbling a wiener in the picture in yesterday’s post. However, technically, I’m still right, because there isn’t any sex tape — just a slew of naked photos sold by an angry ex-boyfriend. TMZ says

The photos were snapped in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. We’re told the ex-boyfriend was pissed at Kristin and then sold the photos to a third party.The third party got involved in a business venture with another guy and we’re told that guy pilfered the pics and they ended up online.

Being the classy and distinguished site that we are, I can’t post lewd nekkid pictures here. I can, however, link them. For instance, you could look at this mother-of-God-in-the-name-of-all-that-is-holy NSFW picture here, or you could just look at this picture of a sea squirt and not get fired from your job. They basically look the same. And (NSFW) this? What this fuck is (NSFW) this? I don’t know whether to throw up or touch myself. I guess I could do both, just to save time. It can be just like my wedding night all over again, only with less crying and threatening to kill myself.

New York magazine released a couple of outtakes from Lindsay Lohan’s now infamous Marilyn Monroe “Last Sitting” recreation, and boy, are they boring. I say “boring” because although still technically naked, there’s not nearly as many nipples as before. Well, kinda, in one, if you strain. And I’m not big into straining. That’s why I use a ladle and balance the carton on my chest when I’m eating ice cream. I find key positioning and wider delivery devices can cut your carton-to-mouth recovery time in half. Believe me, between that, my Hover Round and my Poise pads, I barely ever strain at all.

Boring, loring, snoring:

Lindsay Lohan’s mother Dina has finally spoken out about her daughter’s New York magazine recreation of Marilyn Monroe’s famous “Last Sitting.” In three words? Thumbs-fuckin’-up. Dina told People Magazine

“It was very tastefully done. I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. I looked at it as art. I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy… Trust me, I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old [daughter Alli] to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there that was risqué.”

All I can say is Dina was a hell of a lot more supportive of her daughter’s nudity than my own mother ever was. When my mom found those naked picture of me my junior year, I never heard the words “congratulations on your art” come out of her mouth. Instead it was all “You’re only sixteen” this and “Oh my God — is that your stepfather?!” that. I’m sure I could have really made a difference if my mother hadn’t divorced Todd and pulled the plug my artistic visions back in high school.

Lindsay at WWE Raw Monday night and smoking her way to beautiful:

Lindsay Lohan poses topless and totally-nude-but-artfully-covered in a tribute to Marilyn Monroe in NY magazine this month. This would be totally exciting and newsworthy had I not seen her nipples 2,534 times in the last year alone. I don’t think this skank even owns a bra. Unless it’s to hold back some dude’s balls for maximum penetration or to serve as a chin rest when she’s taking turns gobbling a couple different wieners at once. Form and function, my friends!

LSFW nakedness:

Pamela Anderson is planning to honor Lakota war hero Crazy Horse on Valentine’s Day. No, wait — I’m getting something here — my sources are now telling me she will not be participating in a tribute to the Native American. I repeat, will not be participating. Naked… yes, yes… stripping… okay, good… My sources have just confirmed that instead she will be showing her beaver at some strip club in France called the Crazy Horse. Now that makes a little more sense! Pamela Anderson, beaver! Boy, the Lakota must be so relieved. According to Female First

The former ‘Baywatch’ actress will perform four times at Paris’ Le Crazy Horse cabaret club on February 13 and 14, after club owner Andree Diessenberg saw her assisting magician Hans Klok in his Las Vegas show last year [and] told People magazine: “When I saw her onstage, I said to myself right away, ‘I have to put her onstage.’ What a knockout! Pamela will perform a Brigitte Bardot tribute number entitled ‘Harley Davidson’ and will also appear in the finale.”

Read: leathery old boozebag astraddle a motorcycle with her worn-out catcher’s mitt spilling over either side of the seat like mudflaps on the back of a semi. Ooh, where do I sign up?

Crusty Whore at the Hard Rock Hotel in Florida January 18th:

You might remember that Britney Spears was photographed shopping in a Los Angeles Rite-Aid at one in the morning the same day she was supposed to show in court for her child custody hearing (she never actually made it in). Well, Britney fan site Breathe Heavy has footage of what she was shopping for in Rite-Aid that day. Can you guess what’s in Britney’s hand in the above picture? Is it:

1.) Boil-Ease

2.) Shotgun shells

3.) Ben and Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey”

I’m sorry, but I’m afraid that is incorrect! Ms. Spears is actually in possession of one over-the-counter pregnancy test. I guess she wanted to make sure that earlier dressing-room fuck with Adnan at the Betsey Johnson store in Sherman Oaks took. Page Six says

Spears grabbed dresses from the racks and disappeared into a dressing room with Ghalib. Moments later, she came out completely naked. “I was blown away. Britney’s private parts were right in front of me!” a store employee [said.] “I grabbed a dress to cover her, and she screamed, ‘Get away from me! Don’t you [bleep]ing come near me!’ . . . Then she disappeared in the dressing room with Adnan for 45 minutes. They were making weird noises. It was disgusting.” When the lovebirds stumbled out, “I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. She was slurring and spitting and talking with a British accent. Her face was covered with cold sores and acne, and her scalp was patchy. I wanted to help her, but she was so mean that I left her alone. Then she muttered, ‘[bleep] you!’ and left the store.”

Oh, yeah, she’s the next Princess Di, alright. Now that she has the British accent and foreign boyfriend, all she’s missing is the crown. Princess Di shaved her own head and choked to death on a chalupa in front of a Taco Bell, right? I thought so. Yeah, they’re like goddamn twins or something.

Princess Di Britney in cutoffs and cystic acne: