Actor Nicolas Cage has won his libel suit against former co-star Kathleen Turner for her autobiographical claims that he used to be a drunken dog-napper. Both Kathleen’s publishers and The Daily Mail — who featured an excerpt from her book “Send Yourself Roses” in their tabloid publication — apologized and admitted the allegations were just the delusions of a crazy old bird who can’t remember what’s real and what isn’t. Reuters reports

Turner stated that Cage was “arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, for stealing a dog [while we were filmng "Peggy Sue Got Married"]. He’d come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”

Turner and the two publishing groups accepted that the allegations were untrue and [agreed to] pay the 44-year-old Cage’s legal costs and make a “substantial” donation to charity.

This is why you can’t trust old people. They’re always forgetting stuff and then making stuff up when they can’t remember what it is they were supposed to be doing to begin with. Like this time my uncle flagged down a senior citizen driving the wrong way down the interstate. All the old bastard had to say for himself was — and I quote — “Well, the sheriff said I take my eggs medium and I don’t expect no colored folk to clean my wagon if you aren’t.” True fucking story. So my uncle zapped him with a taser¹ and stole his car. Some people are just born heroes.

¹_{EDITOR’S NOTE: 50,000+ volts not recommended for old people with pacemakers, unless you are CPR certified or are already facing murder charges.}

Kathleen hawking her never-really-happened: