It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…

Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:

Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:

Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:

Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:

Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late nineteenth century whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:

Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:

Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:

Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:

Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!:

Nicole Kidman showed off a little more than just her baby bump at “The Golden Compass” premiere in Tokyo today. Have a look at those monstrous surgically enhanced lips of hers. Yikes. They’re like damn bloodworms or something. I just want to thread ‘em with a hook and go trolling for flounder or sprinkle them in my little sister’s hair while I videotape it.

It’s confirmed — recent box office poison Nicole Kidman is officially pregnant. OK! Magazine says

After weeks of speculation, Nicole Kidman has confirmed the good news that she and her husband, country music superstar Keith Urban, are expecting their first child together! “The couple are thrilled,” a rep for the actress tells OK!.

I’m sure Keith Urban celebrated the good news by inhaling an eight ball and drunkenly tag-teaming two underage models. Nicole, on the other hand, probably got more Botox and another coating of pureed baby foreskins spackled to her face. Soon, those stem cells will be hers — all hers! Looks like harvest season’s coming early this year, my pretties.

Nicole and Goldenrod leaving the Art Gallery of New South Wales Friday:

Nicole Kidman is finally pregnant! Or not! Or lying about it! The Daily Mail reports

Nicole Kidman and her husband of 18 months are expecting their first baby. The Oscar-winning actress and Keith Urban, the country and western singer she calls the “love of my life”, broke the news to their families over the Christmas holiday.

But Nic’s publicist responded (via People magazine)

“It is incorrect. She must have had about 30 babies by now. It’s the silly season. As far as we’re concerned, it’s another rumor out of London.”

Pregnant or not, if she wants to have a baby, she’d better get on it. At 40, “silly season” turns into “menopause season” real quick. Botox doesn’t fool your uterus, you know!

Nicole at the Sydney Children’s Hospital screening of “The Golden Compass” December 18^th

Nicole Kidman accompanied husband Keith Urban to the Australian Recording Industry Association Awards on Sunday in a completely see-through black dress — unbeknownst to her. The Daily Mail reveals

As the Oscar-winning actress removed her overcoat, there were riotous cheers of appreciation from the assembled red-carpet crowd. Miss Kidman, 40, appeared to be delighted by the noisy reception at Sydney’s Acer Arena, [but] all the cheering had been because her outfit was almost completely transparent [in the bright sun] and clearly showed the black thong and bra set underneath.

Wow — she’s forty? You have to admit, for a forty year-old woman, she sure looks great. Of course, for a twenty-two year old Mongolian power lifter, she looks like shit. Perspective, baby! It’s the only thing keeping me from killing myself most of the time.