The good folks at RADAR online have come across the must-have item for your gossip junkie/pervert loser: celebrity-themed blow up sex dolls! For only $29.95, you, too, can have a go at Dirty Christina, JHo, Crazy Daisy (Jessica Simpson in “Dukes of Hazzard”), Lindsay Fully Loaded, Eva Longwhoria, or the Paris Love Doll. Where do I sign up? Interestingly, the manufacturer was only disappointed with one doll in the collection. He tells RADAR

The one I’m not happy with is Paris, which didn’t come out well.

Probably because it has twice the IQ of the real Paris and is missing the herpes simplex virus. How is a guy supposed to believe he’s porking Paris Hilton if he doesn’t finish with a bout with genital blisters and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing? It’s probably too late to market the sense of shame separately. It’s not like shame’s a big a seller¹ to begin with. Unless you’re the Roman Catholic church, of course, in which case shame funds nearly 80% of your adjusted gross income annually.

¹_{I know my “Pictures of Your Mom Naked” in a Can^TM wasn’t nearly the blockbuster I’d hoped it be.}

LSFW plastic celebrity harem:

There’s a new penis in Paris Hilton’s life, and this one comes attached to her ex-BFF-turned-BFF-again boyfriend’s brother Benji Madden! But how will we know if this love’s for real, you ask? Easy. The ring she’s wearing says it all.

Or maybe it says nothing. Oooh! Page Six says

The celebutante showed up with the new bling for the launch of celebrity stylist Kim Vo’s Salon at The Mirage in Las Vegas. The event’s organizer, Ben Russo… asked the heiress what the BM ring meant, [and] Paris said: “It means what it means.”

Your first instinct is to assume she’s being cryptic about the new penis, but the fact is there’s a whole lot out there that can lay claim to the initials B.M, so I don’t want to go around putting words in the heiress’ mouth. Especially when her mouth is probably already full of wiener to begin with. So I’m just going to make a couple of educated guesses as to the meaning of her mystery ring and let you all decide.

10. Bowel movement. Obviously.

9. Butt munch. Look, I never said this list was sophisticated, asswipe.

8. Boston Massacre. It smells like American Revolution!

7. Ball masticator. Fancy talk for nut-sack gobbler. See #9.

6. Blind Mice, 3. See how they run!

5. Barry Manilow. Because he writes the songs.

4. Branson, Missouri. Come visit the Baldknobber’s Motor Inn!

3. Beaver maggots. We’re talking Paris Hilton here. Self-explanatory.

2. Bacterial Meningitis. Because she’s dirty, and not in a good way.

and the number one thing Paris’ BM ring might possibly stand for:

1. Braying moron. Because she is one.

Perhaps you stumbled across those pictures of Paris Hilton being blessed by a shaman in yesterday’s Quickies and asked yourself, “Um, what the fuck?” Turns out the guy sporting the third-world beard and robes isn’t really a shaman at all, but an out of work character actor. According to TMZ

Her “guru” that supposedly changed her life is actually a Hollywood actor [named] Maxie Santillan. He’s starred in tons of films and TV shows including “My Name is Earl” and “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

If it isn’t covered in flashbulbs or spouting seminal fluid, it’s a safe to assume that Paris did no research whatsoever. Here’s hoping that the holiest thing to come her way is a big fat lightning bolt from the sky.

Flim flam shaman sham:

First last year’s Vanity Fair party, and now the Oscars themselves — Paris Hilton has reportedly been banned from attending the most elite awards show in Hollywood. According to Female First

The hotel heiress was devastated after being told she couldn’t attend the prestigious event on Sunday night. [She had already] splashed out £2 million on a designer dress for the ceremony. A source said: “She cried hot, salty tears when she was banned from the Oscars.”

The “hot, salty tears” source then went back to reading aloud from “The Duke and the Preacher’s Virgin Daughter” and “The Quivering Explosion of Hot Man Love” to an audience of overweight middle-aged women standing in line at the Walgreen’s pharmacy.

Paris Hilton put on her best Village People-themed leatherwear for a birthday performance with the Pussycat Dolls in Vegas over the weekend. Birthday party number three for the heiress included such hits as “Paris ripping off (NSFW) Dita von Teese” and “More wonky eye than you could shake a dick at.” If you weren’t lucky enough to be in the crowd at Pure Sunday night, just imagine you gave a Clydesdale a barium enema, put him in two-inch stilettos and a leather hat and instructed him to dance without emptying his bowels all over the floor. It’s almost like you were right there in the front row!

More sphincter-clenching hotness:

Paris Hilton showed up to the LA premiere of her new film “The Hottie And The Nottie” yesterday a lovely shade of tangerine and in a blatant rip-off the gown worn by Marilyn Monore in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” She talked about her role in the move and how “hottie and nottiness” played into her everyday life. Daily Mail quotes her as saying:

“I think we’re humans. All girls feel like a ‘nottie’ some days—like someone who isn’t turning heads. That’s just part of life. I just get a facial… to [get] back into ‘hottie’-ness.”

Oh, I bet she gets a facial. I’m sure that nothing makes Paris Hilton feel prettier than a big load to the face. Except for maybe a Mexican Avalanche or the Beverly Hills Whiffer. Hear that, Stavros, Jared, Travis, Vincent, Tom, Nick, Rick, Deryck, Elijah, Brandon, and various others? Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! Now you’ll know exactly what to get for the girl who has everything. Just make sure you’re near a flight of stairs when it’s time for your “present.”

At the premiere:

Britney Spears has been getting an awful lot of attention lately, so Paris Hilton decided to swing the limelight her way with a fake lesbian make-out session with “House of Wax” co-star Elisha Cuthbert. Page Six says

Revelers at Tenjune in the Meatpacking District Tuesday night spotted Paris making out with “24″ star Elisha Cuthbert. “They were drinking and dancing, and all of suddenly they just started kissing,” said the onlooker who told us the liplock lasted “about a minute.” Cuthbert’s rep denies the story, although several witnesses confirmed they saw the face-suck.

That’s one of those things that sounds sexy until you get up close. Sorry, but those two are just gross. Paris Hilton looks like a combination of the Goon from Popeye and claymation Gumby and Elisha Cuthbert might as well be my seventh grade gym teacher with that haircut. It’s just like that time I rented this flick called “From Pole to Pole” and ended up with a documentary about the Earth’s inconstant magnetic field instead of the penis-fest I was expecting. Needless to say, I won’t be hitting up PBS for porn anymore. That goes double for the Discovery Channel and TLC. “Wild Down Under” my ass.

Paris arriving at the TRL Tuesday and Elisha shopping at Bristol Farms over the weekend:

The only way this video could be any more awesome is if when Paris Hilton eats it getting out of her car up there, she landed on land mine filled with fire ants and cobras instead of just the sidewalk. I’d also accept a land mine made of feces and rusted nails or one filled with buzz saws and napalm. But you know how that old saying goes — you can shit in one hand and hope in the other and see which fills up first. On the plus side, you’d be one handful closer to finally making that turd and nail bomb we were just talking about.

January whoring it up in Hollywood last week:

There’s no denying the magnificent power of call of the douche, as illustrated by Paris Hilton’s assortment of douchetastic boyfriends. Reminiscent of the braying of a donkey or the primal screech of a lust-filled baboon, the douchebag’s song implores its fellow douchebag to commence the mating ritual. But what happens when rival douchebags sound off in close proximity? Douchebaggery aplenty, that’s what! Daily Mail says

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton appears to have a new fondness for famous fathers - after she was spotted with both the ex-partners of Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith. Just 24 hours after the socialite was photographed cozying up to Kevin Federline in Las Vegas, she spent New Year’s Eve enjoying an intimate chat with Larry Birkhead - father of tragic Anna Nicole Smith’s baby Dannielynn. While Hilton appeared to be enjoying Federline’s company over the weekend, on New Year’s Eve the socialite [preferred] photographer Birkhead.

Boy, that ought to get the old gene pool a-bubblin’! Larry Birkhead and Paris Hilton vs. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton. I’d like to see the bastard results of those Punnett squares right there. A couple of centimeters to the left and Paris ought to be able to see what’s behind her without ever turning her head, so there’s a pretty good chance the kid would end up with monocular vision no matter who the daddy is. You know, where the eyes work independently of each other and span 360 degrees. Like Cookie Monster, if Cookie Monster had a grapefruit and a ping-pong ball positioned either side of his head instead of googly eyes and a nose made of partially-melted silly putty. Think “camel,” only uglier and probably wearing a Starter jacket.

Paris celebrating New Year’s Eve in a variety of stupid poses:

Paris Hilton’s grandfather announced he’s giving all but three percent of his billion-dollar empire to charity. Another Christmas miracle? The NY Daily News says

Hotel magnate Barron Hilton announced yesterday that he’s leaving 97% of his wealth to charity, dramatically cutting the fortune his children and grandkids will get. That means granddaughter Paris Hilton, who once stood to inherit $100 million or more by some accounts, could end up with a measly $5 million or so.

[Baron's designated charity] funds clean water in Africa, education for blind children and housing for the mentally ill.

I bet Paris has never wished she were a retarded African more in her life. How ironic! It’s too bad for Paris there aren’t any charities devoted to funding sucking dick and herpes. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to write off the free clinic or whorehouses on your taxes.

Paris celebrating Christmas in Hawaii with her skank sister:

I can’t put into words the array of emotions that washed over me while watching the trailer for Paris Hilton’s new movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie.”¹ First rage, then nausea, then blinding fury, then the nausea again, and finally, an overwhelming sense of impending doom for the fate of Western society. On the plus side, it loosened my bowels and took the finish off a desk I’ve been planning on resurfacing. So, you know, take that into consideration before watching it yourself. And I don’t make any promises if you’re pregnant. Your kid could come out with an extra vagina or a seventeen or turn out to be part demon. You’d probably be better off sifting through a pile radioactive blue-veined cheeses and smoking cigarettes made of mercury. Luckily, I was already doing that before I started watching, so I saved some real time.

¹_{Fun fact: This movie single-handedly killed “Smellavision.” Also two extras who happened to be midgets. The two incidents are unrelated.}

Look out, wine in a box — there’s a new kid in town! It’s called “champagne in a can,” and it comes to you courtesy Paris Hilton and gold paint. Page Six reports

The sexy socialite has created a new line of champagne, and PageSix.com has exclusively obtained images from the accompanying photo shoot. Clad only in gold paint, the heiress is shown crawling through the Mojave Desert. Toward a mirage of her Rich Prosecco spirits, we guess? PageSix.com has also learned that Paris will be in Berlin tomorrow to promote the European launch of the canned champagne. The drink will debut in the US next year.

Champagne in a can sounds like something dreamed up by Larry the Cable Guy. Now I guess we just wait for the the accompanying Beluga caviar jerky and lobster nachos to hit the market. High class! Only Paris Hilton could be the face of a product so upscale. Provided Jenna Jameson or the masturbating kangaroo weren’t available, I mean. You can only squeeze so much class into one gilded can, you know!

One more print ad: