Video footage of Mary-Kate Olsen being carried to her car and then tumbling out of the backseat after partying in L.A. Thursday night has sparked rumors that The Thinspiration will be taking another sabbatical in rehab. (I searched high and low this morning for the footage, but it’s all mysteriously been yanked after making the rounds late Friday afternoon.) According to Full Disclosure

Olsen went to rehab in Utah in 2004 for an eating disorder amid rumors that she was also being treated for substance abuse. Now friends say she is out of control again.

“She refused to talk to Elle magazine about her involvement with Heath Ledger [and it] has brought the whole thing up in the press again and she has been depressed all over,” one pal tells us.

Boy, I wish I could make a living out of drinking my body weight and passing out on the street. Of course, for Mary-Kate, drinking her body weight translates to three Bacardi Breezers and a buttery nipple if she’s retaining water, but still. I’d be fucking Fortune 500 by now. You know, instead of just part-time in your mom’s pants. Buuurrn, mothafuckas!

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala last month with her sister:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hosting a $200,000 ‘Welcome to the World’ (their words, not mine) party to celebrate the birth of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s twins. According to Female First

A source said: “Tom and Katie are thrilled for Jennifer and Marc and have offered to throw a Welcome to the World bash for the twins next month.” The party at Tom and Katie’s Los Angeles home will have a pink and blue theme and guests expected to attend include John Travolta, Eva Longoria Parker and David and Victoria Beckham.

With a price tag of 200 grand, you can expect plenty of super-fun Scientology party games like “Pin the Repressed Memory on the E-Meter,” “How Many Invisible Thetans in This Jar?” and my personal favorite, “Silent Music-less Chairs.” It’s sure to be a very un-glib time for everyone involved!

Sobriety keeps eluding Lindsay Lohan, probably because she hits the club scene three nights a week surrounded by the same crowd she kept before rehab. According to Rush and Molloy

The “I Know Who Killed Me” star knocked back “at least two” vodka cocktails Friday night at the Beatrice Inn and later snapped at snappers trying to take her picture. Lohan, who checked out of a Utah rehab center in October, downed the drinks while partying with ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos and MTV reality “star” Brody Jenner, sources tell us.

“Lindsay is learning how to work through her addictions and, once in a while, she chooses to have a cocktail,” says a friend, attempting to explain. “People overexaggerate her behavior when in fact on Friday night, many people commented to her on how composed she was.”

No one comments on how “composed” you are when you’re stone cold sober. The only time composure is noticed by your party-going peers is when you’ve had eight martinis and a couple of lines in the bathroom and you can still walk and not slur your words. Then they say stuff like “Man, she’s been drinking like a fucking sailor all night and she hasn’t fallen down yet! Unbelievable!” And then another friend might add “Yeah, but ten bucks says she passes out under that table in fifteen minutes.” And then another would pipe up “I’ll take that bet!” and someone else chimes in with a “Care to make it interesting? Twenty says she gets fucked in the bathroom before she actually blacks out under the table.” “In the ass or the vagina?” “Double or nothin’ she gets it in both!” Then a chorus of laughter and high-fives. Just watch the video of my 21st birthday again and you’ll see that I’m right. Believe me, for the first twelve or so minutes of the party, everybody keeps saying how composed I look. Then they wink and tip back an imaginary bottle and do that tongue-in-cheek thing for blowjobs and mime throwing up. My friends are all a bunch of assholes.

Lindsay out Saturday night:

Recent photos of Tara Reid looking like she ought to be crouched over a bowl of gruel and crawling with flies have sparked rumors that she could have anorexia. Not so, the “actress” says. She tells OK! Magazine

“I’m not too thin. I go up 10 pounds, I go down 10 pounds. I was thin for a movie that I just finished… What have I ever really done? Dance on a table? Who doesn’t drink with their friends and have a good time? If I have a drink in my hand, it doesn’t make me an alcoholic. If I want a glass of wine, I want a glass of wine!”

Then some emphatic table pounding and frantic breathing and a couple of lower eyelid twitches before she turned the bottle up and polished off its contents in a single gulp. “Besides,” she added as she lit her cigarette, “I eat meat all the time. You know — pant sausage, pork loin, tube steak, one-eyed salami, meat balls and gravy, trouser snake, bologna…”

Tara in Indonesia last month: