I’m still not entirely convinced that people actually watch “American Idol” anymore, but if you happened to catch it last night, you caught Paula Abdul making a huge gaffe on live TV. Then you probably went back to knitting socks or reading Colossians or updating your FaceBook when you were supposed to be doing your algebra homework. TMZ recaps the evening:

Paula Abdul had a lot to say about the two songs Jason Castro sung on “Idol” Tuesday night — too bad he hadn’t sung them both yet! In rare form, Paula blabbed on about Jason’s two songs, after he had only performed once. Simon, Randy and Ryan all tried to help Paula along … to no avail.

I guess this is why you never see the Battle of the Brains teams pre-gaming it at a pharmacy. Vicodin makes remembering stuff hard. Like why you poured your gimlet into the DVD player and where you left your pants. My parole officer suggests Gingko Biloba and daily crossword puzzles instead.

Looking as good as Paula Abdul doesn’t come easy. In fact, perfecting the Abdullian visage requires nearly a third of your entire day and the steady troweling hand of a brickmason. MSNBC says

One makeup artist who very recently worked with Abdul said that it routinely takes as long as four hours before she’s satisfied with her hair and makeup. “Getting her out of the house is a major effort,” said the source. “It… [gets] in the way of real life.”

And real life is something Paula hasn’t been acquainted with for years now, so of course that’s not a problem. But for the readers at home who want to achieve Paula’s dramatic look and haven’t the four extra hours or a team of professionals to spare, allow me to suggest downing a liter of gin and turning one of those Homer Simpson-style makeup guns on yourself at point-blank range. Add extensions, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, and voilà! — drag queen glamor is all your own.

Paula at “Idol Gives Back” earlier this week:

American Idol judge Paula Abdul rambled incoherently and swayed in her seat in typical drunk-chick fashion during her interview with David Letterman Monday night (urinetastic highlights above). Showbiz Spy recaps

Letterman got a dirty look and a firm “No” from a finger-wagging Paula when he asked her: “Are you drunk?” Paula was holding hands with an uneasy-looking Letterman when the show returned from a commercial break.

Paula did the right thing in this situation. Believe me, if there’s one thing personal experience has taught me, it’s never answer the question “Are you drunk?” honestly. Same goes for “Are you high?” “Are you naked?” and “Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf?” It’s best to just say “I find most people are afraid of living life without illusion. Pretense is the teat from which the masses suckle!” Then march away indignantly and hope they don’t notice your bare ass or all the vomit. It’s gotten me out of more jams than I can count.

Paula arriving at The Late Show with Monkees-themed mullet:

Don’t expect to see Paula Abdul’s crappy video for “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” on MTV any time soon. According to MSNBC

Not only is MTV not planning to air the video, but no one even submitted the video [for] consideration in the network’s play rotation [in the first place]. “It makes sense that it wasn’t even submitted,” a source told me. “The only thing worse for a star like Paula to not have her video on TV is to have it actually rejected by MTV. You can’t be rejected if you never formally campaign for it.”

Ah, the old “you can’t dump me because we were never dating” trick. It works like a charm, too, unless you’re six and a half months pregnant and screaming it at your ex-boyfriend over the P.A. at a high school basketball game. That way just earns you a slew of unflattering superlatives and a permanent ban from school functions.

Paula Abdul lipsynched her new single “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” in a pre-recorded segment for the Super Bowl XLII pre-game show last night. You were probably too busy scarfing hot wings and pounding beer to notice, but there’s not a single close-up of Paula in the entire 3 minute 25 second clip. Also, somewhere in the mix of back-up dancers is a fat chick. She shows up around the 1:22 mark behind and to the left of Paula on the screen. Looks like we weren’t the only ones pounding beer and chicken wings before the show, if you know what I mean! Wide angles and wide bottoms must be the secret formula for passing off mad cows as a pop stars. Britney might want to start taking notes.

Good news, Paula Abdul fans — she’s making her comeback, and it’s gonna be big! And no doubt embarrassing! TV Guide says

A tipster tells me that the American Idol judge, who hasn’t released an album of new material since 1995, is in talks to perform… during the network’s Super Bowl XLII telecast!

According to my source, the onetime Laker Girl is already in rehearsals for the video to her duet with Randy Jackson, the first single from his upcoming Music Club Vol. 1 CD. If the Super Bowl deal goes through, she would likely use the same choreography during her Feb. 3 Astroturf comeback.

If you haven’t already, go ahead and watch the above clip of Paula attempting to hawk her jewelery on QVC. If it’s any testament to the kind of live performance we can expect to see on game day (the 35 second mark’s the real highlight), then we’re in for a real treat. Like “shooting a rhinoceros full of tranquilzer darts and letting him stagger around a stage three lines behind on the lipsyncing and flailing his appendages like a windmill in a tornado” kind of treat. Usually you only see those kinds of performances at a hospital for the mentally ill or in a cardboard box housing a vagrant. I can’t make any promises that this one won’t smell like urine and cheap booze, too.

Classic Paula satellite interview footage:

Paula Abdul experienced another one of her infamous drug-free meltdowns at Los Angeles International Airport over the holidays. MSNBC quotes an eyewitness as saying

“[Paula] had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes… One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled ‘Poltergeist’ voice. She kept screaming three names over and over — Michael, Sidney and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

I’ve seen The DaVinci Code and National Treasure, so I know nonsensical gibberish is almost always a secret code or anagram. Which means — dun dun DUN — that Paula was trying to tell us something here. And then it occurred to me that the letters in the names “Michael,” “Sidney” and “Leslie” can be arranged to spell SMELLY INLAID CHEESE¹. Which obviously means that a bunch of Freemasons buried a secret message somewhere in a vat of stinky Limburger to protect the bloodline of the Christ. Of course, it could also mean that Paula hid all her Vicodin in Ziploc full of ricotta so none of those bastard airport leprechauns would steal from her again. It’s hard to know for sure without using the Fibonacci sequence or being completely batshit insane.

¹_{They can also be arranged to spell YE LEECH SMILE ISLAND}

Paula at the 9th Annual Family Television Awards Dinner last month:

Since we’re already on the topic of lunatic mothers, let’s switch now to another “frequent and habitual user of drugs” — “American Idol” disaster Paula Abdul. According to USA Today

Paula Abdul is ready for a baby of her own. “That’s the next step in my life,” says Abdul, 45. “Definitely within the next two years. I thought by now I’d have three grown children.” She says she plans to explore fertility options. “With modern medicine, people are having kids in their 40s and even up until their late 40s,” she says. “In their 50s, they’re having their second child. If it doesn’t happen naturally like that, I would always consider adopting.”

If there’s one thing a pile of incoherent blubbering crazy needs, it’s a baby. Also a .45. And a pilot’s license and a bottle of whiskey. The driver’s seat of a commuter train. Their own reality show. Access to nuclear weapons. A bullhorn. I hope you’re writing these down. It’s going to save you a lot of time when you have to go shopping for shower gifts.