Eat your breakfast yet? Prepare to get a visit from the Ghost of Breakfast Past. Pete Doherty will be debuting a tell-all biography home video today in an Austrian porn cinema. The Sun reveals,

The BABYSHAMBLES rocker, 29, is believed to discuss old flame KATE MOSS, 34, and addict pal AMY WINEHOUSE, 24, in the home movie, due to be screened in Graz.

A pal said: “Some of it is very revealing.”

Oooh, sexy. This is just about as erotic as a bowl of Jerusalem crickets and not as tasty. I swear I can’t understand what Kate Moss ever saw in this clammy freak of nature. He reminds me of those creepy marionette dolls that are in like every 80’s horror movie ever made. I’m totally making that up, because I won’t watch horror movies that have dolls or clowns in them, but if they did, they’d look just like him.

Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me!

You probably remember that Scotland Yard got a hold of that video of Amy Winehouse washing down a snootfull of ecstasy and blow with a couple of hits off the crack pipe all the way back in January of this year. CPS finally arrested her on suspicion of possessing Class A drugs last week, but unexpectedly let her go yesterday without any legal ramifications whatsoever. Viva la justice! According to London’s The Sun

Yesterday CPS spokesman Russell Hayes said: “The footage did not establish whether the substances were illegal drugs and, in the absence of any forensic opportunity or reliable evidence from any witness, we concluded we could not establish to the high proof required in a criminal court that they were controlled drugs.”

Well, all I know is R. Kelly should really see about having his trial moved to London instead of the States. The only way Scotland Yard could be any more impotent is if it had prostate the size of a grapefruit and trust issues with its wife.

With Pete Doherty Tuesday night:

Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty might be Scientology’s latest victim — a “lover” has reportedly introduced him to the lunatic cult. Probably after a night of sharing spiced meats and making love to a frenzy of native drums beneath the beckoning cries of the great eagle spirit. According to London’s The Sun

Pete, 29 has bought a pile of books on the subject since meeting Scientologist DJ Nadine Ruddy. And he has been leaving his Wiltshire mansion to stay at her home in Reading at least once a week. A source said: “Nadine is really into Scientology. She takes her beliefs very seriously. Pete’s chatted a lot with her about it. He went out and bought some books to read up about it.”

You don’t need to read a pile of books to understand Scientology. Everything you ever need to know about the religion can be summed up in just one book: “Battlefield Earth.” L. Ron Hubbard’s magnum opus is like breathing life into the pencil sketches of alien beasts and scantily-clad otherworld females drawn on the inside of a seventh grade boy’s Trapper Keeper while he’s sitting out of gym class because of his asthma condition. It’s guaranteed vagina-repellent. I heard there was this one guy who read it and then woke up a virgin in his mother’s basement. True fuckin’ story. He spent most of his life building World of Warcraft characters to sell on eBay and later died of severely infected purple nerples.

Radar Online has a photo of Amy Winehouse nude save her guitar and a little strategically-placed electrical tape as part of a breast cancer awareness campaign in next month’s “Easy Living” magazine. Unfortunately, Pete Doherty’s nude-but-artfully-taped “Just Say No to Ball Cancer” didn’t quite make the cut.

Here’s a little somethin’ to start your morning off right: I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself on a serene beach. No, really. Just do it. The sun warm on your face, a salty breeze, the faint cry of seagulls and surf in the backdrop of your mind. Are we there yet? Okay, good. Now I want you to conjure up the image of Pete Doherty’s nipples. Puffy and pink, surrounded by moles and the occasional wayward sprig of hair. Okay, now imagine they’re chapped. Drink it all in like a fine port — swirl it around in your metaphorical glass and breathe in the heady bouquet of puss and flaking areolas. Lastly, imagine them nestled like bleeding bird eggs inside his girlfriend’s Cross Your Heart. Voila! — instantaneous bliss. You can thank me later. According to Female First

Pete Doherty is wearing his girlfriend’s bras to protect his “sore nipples”. The troubled Babyshambles rocker is in training for this year’s Flora London Marathon [and] complains his T-shirts are chafing his chest. [Doherty] has been borrowing 19-year-old model Portia Freeman’s padded underwear to ease the pain.

A source said: “He’s really serious about kicking drugs and this is really testing his will power and giving him a goal. All that is putting him off are his amazingly sore nipples, but Portia’s underwear is really helping.”

The only thing that could possibly be worse than Pete Doherty’s chapped nipples is maybe an oozing boil on Blake Fielder-Civil’s taint, but I’m going to save myself the trip and let you take the mental escape there yourself. You can just send me a postcard instead.

Like a superhero in a pork pie hat and with blow all over his pants, Pete Doherty was seen swooping in to Amy Winehouse’s rescue at four in the morning yesterday. The Daily Mail reports

In the early hours of the morning Doherty was photographed entering the home of 24-year-old Winehouse, clutching a guitar in his hand. The scruffy singer’s trousers appeared to be covered in a light dusting of white powder. Their relationship is… said to be purely professional. The pair are working on a duet called You Hurt The Ones You Love.

I think that’s what they call “the blind leading the blind.” Or the “blind punting the blind off a forty foot cliff into a runaway stage coach piloted by cirrhosis and heart failure. Also cobras.” Talk about your dynamic duo! All they need are matching scabs and fancy boots and a winsome catch phrase, like “Junkies unite!” or “Watch out — you just crapped yourself again” or “Fuck, she’s not breathing!” Disney, I hope you’re taking notes! Instead of “The Incredibles,” I give you “The Injectables.” Syringes and tubing sold separately.

Amy with a big bag of blow in her trunk:

Wanna know why Kate Moss and Pete Doherty kept getting back together? Was it their mutual distaste for hygiene? Symbiotic drug addictions? Nope, not according to close personal friend Shane MacGowan. It was the “mind-blowing sex.” I’ll pause so you can shudder and make gagging noises. According to The Mirror

Shane, 49, [said]: “They were perfect for each other. Totally nuts about each other. They were one of those couples that would argue loads but when they got back together they would have mind-blowing sex.”

Well, just about anything seems “mind-blowing” when you’re stoned. I once spent an hour high as a kite staring at the little rainbow the backside of a CD makes when it refracts light. An hour. This other time I tried to pay for a bottle of orange juice after three hits of acid, and I might as well have been trying to attempt nuclear physics right there at the gas station counter. I ended up just thrusting a five dollar bill at the attendant and sprinting the hell out of there. So armed with this personal experience, my gut says that this “mind-blowing sex” actually translated to “three or four attempts at stuffing his mostly-flaccid penis in Kate’s hole before they both passed out and/or threw up.” Not exactly the stuff you see in pornos, you know. Not the good ones, anyway.

Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty is not my hero because he walked free from court yesterday. He could have gotten seven years for Class A drug possession such as heroine and crack cocaine but all he got is 12 months of community service. And Pete is not my hero because he shared his bed and his coke with Kate Moss.

No, Pete is my hero because aside from him, the only guy on Earth who had so much drug inside his home was Pablo Escobar, and that guy had his own militia to protect him. Pete doesn’t need all that. He’s a lone soldier. He has no fear. Pete is my hero.

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