Hold on to your buttless chaps, boys and girls — Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. TMZ says

Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend [with whom he lives] when he’s in L.A. 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. Foster was artificially inseminated, but Clay is a lot more than just sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

I never thought I’d see the day when Clay Aiken fathered a child with an actual woman. You know, the whole “penis and vagina” thing. But give the guy a little gay porn and a mason jar, and nature finds a way!

After months of uninterested speculation, newlyweds Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz finally confirmed that she is pregnant with their first child. BO-RING. Significantly less boring? The bee made entirely of Legos that Pete gave Ashlee as a wedding gift. According to Splash News, Pete commissioned Nathan Sawaya to create the insect sculpture because

Because it is romantic of course. In Hindu myth, Kama, the god of love, has a bow… made up of bees. In the ancient Greek world, the bee symbolized the soul. And the Roman god of love is often pictured with bees or being stung.

I made this bee for a boy who wanted to give his girl a special wedding gift. They are a fun couple as evidenced by their Alice in Wonderland themed wedding.

I figured the bee had more to do with his crying. See, in Egyptian mythology, bees grew from the tears of the sun god Ra when they landed on the desert sand. “Pete Wentz” and “tears” go together almost as well as “Pete Wentz” and “vagina,” but unfortunately, there weren’t any references to female genitalia in the ancient mythology of the bee.

Jessica Alba married long-time boyfriend and father of her no-longer-bastard child Cash Warren in a civil ceremony in Beverly Hills yesterday. People Magazne says

Warren arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m, applied for a marriage license and waited for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail. Nobody else attended the wedding.

Well, it’s like they say — “Give a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” May their love burn bright the rest of their days! Or until they file for divorce two years down the road due to “irreconcilable differences.”

With her mom last week:

Meet Britney! She’s one of the few who survived 2007, during which 78 manatees were killed by watercraft and hundreds more by water pollution and direct destruction of their natural habitats. But with the advent of Adopt-A-Manatee, you can do your part to help save Florida’s gentle giants. For only $25 you get:

• A photo of your manatee
• The manatee’s biography
• An adoption certificate
• A signed copy of “Toxic”
• Four newsletters throughout the year with updated reports on your adoptee

Britney needs our help. Let’s all do our part to save the docile sea cows of the Southeastern United States!

Brad Pitt joined Angelina Jolie on the red carpet in Cannes for the premiere of Angie’s latest movie “Kung Fu Panda” yesterday. Brad couldn’t even muster a smile the entire time he was there, presumably suffering from Oh-My-God-What-The-Fuck-Have-I-Done syndrome associated with fathering six children. You remember the OMGWTFHID face. It’s the one your dad made when he found out you dropped out of law school to enroll in the interpretive dance academy and got knocked up by that “Nouveau Communist” cashier at the organic grocery store. It’s the same face you make when you catch an episode of “The Hills” or the person before you forgets to flush.

Although Beyoncé’s camp adamently denies it, rumors that the “Bootylicious” singer is pregnant have been swirling since her impromptu marriage to Jay-Z last month. Star Magazine says

Friends of the newlyweds tell the New York Post’s Page Six column that the couple is infanticipating their first child. “She has gained a lot of pregnancy weight,” a source tells Page Six. “When she gains weight, she normally does the Def Jam detox, but not now.”

Well, if it’s true, the pregnancy ought to go swimmingly, since Beyonce is apparently an old pro at getting knocked up. Nine MSN says

Gossip site Bossip.com has published the photo [above], showing a young girl who looks a lot like Beyonce nursing a pregnant belly.The pic, sent in by a Bossip.com reader, is alleged to be Beyonce at 15 years of age.

Is it really Beyonce? I don’t know. All I know is it’s clearly a black female in the height of nineties fashion who vaguely resembles a young Mrs. Jay-Z. Of course, Geraldo Rivera vaguely resembles Beyonce if you tilt your monitor back 45 degrees and squint your eyes from about fifty paces. Look, I’m only here to conjecture wildly and speculate. If it’s “facts” and “credibility” you want, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place, baby. We all know I’ve never been one to look after I wipe.

A very definitely pregnant Nicole Kidman in Nashville May 11th:

Three weeks ago, Mariah Carey claimed that she didn’t want children of her own “because of childhood traumatic stuff” (I’m guessing something with colorful winged insects getting stuck in her ranch dressing hose). But since walking down the aisle with Nick “Nobody” Cannon, Mariah has suddenly changed her tune. According to Rush and Molloy

Yesterday, one of Carey’s assistants called L.A.’s chic baby boutique Petit Tresor to talk about preparing for a little roommate. Mariah’s office asked if the store could send fabric samples with the theme of - you guessed it - butterflies! The Petit crew is sending pictures of the nursery they just finished for Jennifer Lopez’s twins.

The unfortunate thing about babies — however cute they may be — is that they inevitably grow up into awkward teenagers with braces and acne and the insatiable urge to abuse their bodies. Everything Mariah owns is pink and fluffy and covered in butterflies and glitter. You can see where I’m going with this. The only thing Mariah Carey should ever considering mothering is maybe a rainbow unicorn or a Barbie Mariposa. Something imaginary and guaranteed not to ruin your life with its cystic boils and angst and struggle for identity. And also something that does most of its pooping outside.

Mariah at Fred Segal’s on Sunday:

Could Britney Spears really be knocked up again? Pictures of Mental Case McGee waddling around L.A. in a velour tracksuit have sprouted yet another crop of pregnancy rumors. The Daily Mail says

She was snapped cradling her swollen-looking stomach on a shopping trip [in L.A. over the weekend]. Dressed casually in tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt, the mother-of-two was seen placing a protective hand over her bulging tummy.

Wow. Just… wow. I think the only way these picture of her could get any sexier is if they were also scratch-and-sniff stickers.

Big sis Britney Spears flew home to Louisiana to attend a baby shower for Jamie Lynn Spears on Saturday. It was — as expected — a high-falutin, super-classy affair, with lots of clouds of carbon monoxide and chemical additives courtesy of Britney. People Magazine reports

About 30 guests were invited to Kentwood for a ladies-only, catered celebration for the 17-year-old at the family’s Serenity mansion. Mom Lynne and fiancé Casey Aldridge’s mother lent a hand. “We all sat in a circle and she opened gifts and thanked every person. It was just a good old fashioned baby shower.

The talk of the shower, though, was Britney’s gift. Her gift came without boxes or bows. It was a gift of the heart, handwritten on notebook paper held together with Scotch tape. I proudly present to you “Britney Spears’ Top Ten New Mama Tips For Jamie Lynn.” Enjoy.

10. Don’t titty-feed or your nipples’ll get as big as fuckin dinner plates

9. If’n you lay ‘em on their bellies, you don’t have ta hear ‘em holler so much

8. Formula ain’t the same as heavy whippin cream, so don’t never use it on pie

7. Ya can smoke while you’re feedin ‘em as long as ya point yer cigarette the other way

6. Tin foil makes a good toy cuz it’s cheap an shiny and the little ‘uns like shiny

5. Don’t NEVER micrawave babies. Just use a towel.

4. If’n it shits in the crib, you can put them in a dog carrier until the housekeepers git there

3. Babies can’t breathe underwater like they do in the movies

2. Only drive with ‘em in yer lap if’n there’s no one around to take yer pitcher

and the number one piece of advice from big sis Britney:

1. Don’t never hold ‘em hostage when it’s time to hand ‘em over to your ex-husband

You might remember that Jessica Simpson was hospitalized for four days back in March for a supposed kidney infection. According to insiders, however, it was less of just a “kidney infection” and more of a “complications from a three-week whiskey binge.” I guess it makes a difference when you’re filing those insurance claims. Blue Cross/Blue Shield don’t cover boozin’! Star Magazine says

After hooking up with Tony [Romo] in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol…. She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”

Adding to her distress, Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test. “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant.”

Drinking ’till organ failure and possibly pregnant? Sounds like somebody missed out on the whole college experience! Toss in “academic suspension,” “leaving the scene of an accident,” and “emergency room gastric irrigation” and it could be my freshman year all over again.

Photoshoot for her fake hair line:

Despite both Us Weekly and OK! Magazine claiming that Ashlee Simpson is knocked up, her fiance and supposed father of the child begs to differ. Pete Wentz told MTV News

“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”

“Coincidentally,” Ashlee’s new album drops in a week, on the same day her shirt line for Wet Seal debuts. The very same album that threatened to be overshadowed by Mariah Carey’s until daddy leaked “E=MC2″ onto the internet. Coincidentally. Now every major tabloid is running with Ashlee’s supposed pregnancy — the baby’s due in October, Jess is happy, no Jess is jealous, the wedding’s taking place in May before she starts showing — and nearly every article (this post included, I know) mentions her album’s release date. Coincidentally! Daddy’s certainly done his homework. It’s a fact that only way to get more free press than circulating a pregnancy rumor is a good old-fashioned sex tape, but $29.95 is a steep price to pay to watch Pete Wentz scribbling poetry all over Ashlee’s body with an eyeliner pencil and then cutting himself after avoiding penetration. I think Joe Simpson definitely ran the right way with this one.

Two promos from her Wet Seal line, and a couple of Jessica over the weekend:

The Daily Mail has pictures of Lisa Marie Presley and husband Michael Lockwood leaving L.A. restaurant Madeo last night. Although that hideous circus tent of a dress is just begging for a wimple or thirteenth-century barbette and crespin, we can’t forget about Kid Rock’s gay cousin up there. When asked for comment, Michael reportedly said “Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple” and then broke into an acoustic version of “Don’t Come Around Here No More.”

Large version (pun INTENDED) of the header photos after the jump

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