Going for her third unprovoked assault in less than two weeks, Amy Winehouse turned on her bodyguard and whaled him right in the kisser last night. The Daily Mail says

Returning home from one of her regular Camden haunts, Amy hit her waiting bodyguard directly in the face. And by the looks of things he felt the full force of her hand, grimacing in pain as she went in for another blow.

It’s like that famous fight in ‘51 when tiny little white guy Rocky Marciano beat defending heavyweight champion and black behemoth of a man Joe Louis. Only instead of a heart of gold and a tenacity never-before-seen in the boxing ring, you’ve got unchecked paranoia and a bloodstream full of crack cocaine. The left hook is about the same, though. All she’s really missing is the giant belt.

Amy Winehouse punched another of her fans outside her flat in Camden late Saturday night, but not for touching her beehive. According to the The Sun

A source said: “Amy had her bottom pinched and blamed the fan taking her picture. She just lashed out and clumped him. He laughed it off.”

You might worry that Amy will end up withering away in some cold jail cell if she keeps assaulting her fans, what with that emaciated frame and lack of body fat to protect her vital organs. Not to worry. She seems to have a healthy pelt down below to keep her warm. With that nest of pubes, the scampering of the body lice ought to be more than enough to keep her nether regions toasty and warm. Or at least provide enough matted hair to fashion a backup beehive. Form and function, my friends!

Amy Winehouse was back in full force at Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday concert Friday night, but her Glastonbury performance the following day didn’t go quite as swimmingly. When Amy left the stage for the pit during a rendition of “Rehab,” she somehow ended up in a fistfight with a member of the audience. There are several theories as to the impetus behind the attack, including (via The Daily Mail ):

[1.] Crowd members claimed the singer lashed out in response to a derogatory comment about her husband Blake Fielder-Civil, after she spent much of the show making slurring references to ‘my Blakey’.

[2.] Her publicist said she had reacted instinctively when someone tried to pull her trademark beehive hairdo.

[3.] Festival organiser Michael Eavis’s version of events was that the man had made a grab at Miss Winehouse’s breasts.

Or 4) Amy Winehouse is fucking insane. Ding ding ding ding! She actually started off the concert by spitting her gum into the audience, berating their manners when they booed her precious Blake, and later singing “I’m not opening for a cunt like Kanye.”* She’s like the Patches O’Houlihan of live performing. You half expect her to belt out, “Is it ‘necessary’ to punch my fans in the face? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No, but I do it anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste!” before pelting the audience with a sackful of wrenches.

*Kanye West, presumably — video after the jump.

At Mandela’s birthday:

Glastonbury:

(more…)

Amy “Receding Gums” Winehouse is facing up to six months’ jail and a $4,000 fine for allegedly assaulting two men while bar-hopping in Camden. Well, not so much hopping as “staggering” and “stumbling.” London’s The Sun says

The junkie singer, 24… headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar… [and] punched Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi [in the face] after he refused to give way to her at the pool table. The married singer also [made out with] a mystery fella and [overturned] tables and drinks.

She was later seen smoking drugs in the street and walked into a lamppost.

She’s like some wonderful beehived amalgamation of the Tasmanian devil and Nick Nolte come to life, isn’t she? I sort of imagine her whirling and snarling and flailing everywhere she goes, leaving a trail of broken bottles and overturned tables in her wake. And then a lot of indecipherable blathering that occasionally gives way to a projectile vomit or two, like “Sod off, you bloody bug — BLAAAAARGH!” and then a lot of splattering and bystanders screaming and running for their lives.

I’ve never watched a single episode of “Desperate Housewives” in all of my 28 years, but back in college I liked to get high with my girlfriends and watch “Passions.” If you’ve never seen it, “Passions” is quite possibly the shittiest soap opera ever made in the history of soap operas. Seriously, it makes “Dos Mujeres, Un Camino” seem like “The Grapes of Wrath” or something. Anyway, DH star Jesse Metcalfe played Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald on the soap, whose Mexican-Irish character boasted such manly traits as “impeccably groomed eyebrows” and “getting raped by a girl.” So it makes perfect sense that I’d have video footage of Jesse getting decked in the face and falling down, then waiting for the guy who punched him to leave so he could yell at him from a safe distance. It all went down outside an event at Boulevard 3 nightclub in L.A. last night. I don’t know what Jesse did to piss his attacker off, but I’m guessing the delighted clapping when the waiter set down a Fuzzy Navel in front of him and the eye-closed throat-clutching when he saw “the most scrumptious pair of Prada loafers on this darling little man muffin” couldn’t have helped his case much.

Amy Winehouse doesn’t just have a penchant for cocaine and heroin; the British songstress also has a taste for some of the finer things in life. Like fine dining, for example. The Daily Mail quotes her as saying

“I went to a restaurant recently and my friend was like, ‘Do you remember the last time we were here? The head waiter carried you but you were trying to punch and kick us’. [I know] I’m a terrible drunk… but there are [still] certain instances where I’ll… come to work and be like, ‘Listen, if you want to have a nice day, please get me some alcohol’.”

Funny, I say the same thing when I get to work. Only I say it into a mirror. The one over my bed. And then I point my fingers like a gun and give myself a little wink and grab the bottle of scotch off the floor and start typing.¹ Yep, I’d say Amy Winehouse and I have just about the coolest fucking jobs in the world. Suckas!

¹_{Maybe I put pants on; maybe I don’t. It’s a mystery!}

Amy getting gussied up for a conjugal with Blake Fielder-Civil: