Sienna Miller broke up with fiancé Rhys Ifans last weekend over her insatiable need for penis his jealousy issues. A source told The Sun:

“Things have been awkward for a while after she caught Rhys going through her text messages for ‘incriminating evidence’. He has been giving her a hard time lately, questioning her commitment to him. She compared him to a spotlight shining in her face all the time. She couldn’t… cope with his jealousy.

He is heartbroken they have split.”

Nothing could be as heartbreaking as that damn hairstyle of his. It’s like Rod Stewart and Quasimodo made a hair baby. Seriously, where do you even get that cut? Other than a bell tower in Notre Dame? I’m guessing you tell your stylist, “Think Jeff Daniels in ‘Dumb and Dumber.’ No, no — more disheveled! Try these pinking shears!” before just using a lighter to burn the ends off yourself.

Sienna as The Baroness on the set of G.I. Joe:

Can you guess what’s going on in this picture of Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans? Is it:

A) The classic “Tie a Knot in a Guy’s Drawstring with Your Tongue” party trick

B) If she puts her ear to his belly button and listens carefully, she can hear the sea

C) Geriatric boil ointment has to applied at close range OR:

D) Rhys is dutch-ovening a fart in his trunks and making Sienna smell it until she screams “Uncle!”

Did you guess yet? I’m torn between E) No way I let this perfectly good cocaine stuck in your gut flab go to waste! and F) How is my stupid piehole empty when there’s been a penis right here in front of me the whole time?

More of Rhys and Sienna’s asscrack frolicking in the Gulf of Mexico:

It’s Sienna Miller’s birthday today, and boyfriend Rhys Ifans knows nothing says “happy birthday” like an original Welsh love poem followed by a scavenger hunt. Chappy there really moistens the old panties, doesn’t he? Female First says

Actor Ifans has written a welsh language love poem, which Sienna has been learning, and there are even hints of that Sienna who turns 26 today will get a gift to beat all - an engagement ring. A friend of Rhys [said] that “He’s collected ten presents for Sienna of varying shapes, sizes and prices, all part of his plan for a romantic night in with a mountain of presents. He is keeping tight-lipped on a proposal but hinted to me that he has had a Welsh designer craft a special ring for her…which can only mean one thing.”

This sounds like a birthday surprise dreamed up by Eladrin the gnome loremaster. Throw in some Faerun-specific sub-races and a little headgear and it’s practically seventh grade all over again. The only difference is the part where he has sex with Sienna Miller.

Sienna in London last week: