Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn’s divorce has been called off courtesy of a dismissal filed and granted on Tuesday. Us Weekly says

[Sean had] originally filed divorce papers December 7… but the petition was dismissed December 18. On December 21, [Robin] filed her own request for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.

[After the dismissal was granted], the pair hit an Eddie Vedder concert in San Francisco, where Penn… dedicated a song to his wife, 42, on stage for her birthday.

I’ll have been married six years this July, so I’m pretty fluent in the language of the successful marriage. It’s all about the give and take. It’s knowing when to say “Don’t get up; Let me bring you another beer” or “How about I start leaving the toilet seat up instead of always making you put it down” or “Hey, why don’t you go down to the lobby and bone some Russian models while I cry alone in our hotel room?” That’s what marriage counselors call “compromise,” from Latin compromissum, meaning “you signed a prenup, sweetheart.”

Another model Sean porked earlier this year at the Food Bank’s Can-Do-Awards Monday:

For every knocked up actress in L.A. getting engaged, there’s a decade-old Hollywood marriage hitting the skids. The NY Daily News reports

A pregnant Jessica Alba is getting hitched to her baby daddy. Alba, 26, was spotted sporting a sizable rock on her left hand over the holidays and her rep confirmed Thursday she and aspiring producer Cash Warren, 28, are engaged. No date is set for the nuptials and insiders say the pair may hold off until the baby is born.

But then People magazine reports this morning:

Sean Penn and wife Robin Wright Penn are divorcing, their rep, Mara Buxbaum, confirms to People exclusively. No other details were immediately available. The couple, who’ve been married 11 years, have two children together, Hopper Jack, 14, and Dylan Frances, 16.

I’d normally say something about Sean Penn’s anti-American antics being the cause of his divorce, but I recently became an anarchist, so I’m gonna say it has more to do with his mustache. Yikes. As for Alba, well, I predict months of marital bliss before she catches him with an underage Thai boy and a two pounds of hashish. None of it will matter when the Bilderbergs orchestrate the New World Order, anyway. Not even the mustaches. Hope you all wanted police states for Christmas, ’cause that’s what you’re getting! Also probably fruitcake and over-the-limit fees. After all, ’tis the season for credit card debt and conspiracy theories.