Thousands of women and gay men gathered outside Leicester Square for “Sex and the City’s” London premiere yesterday. The big buzz, of course, was Sarah Jessica Parker’s hideous hat, which served as a welcome distraction from decidedly mixed reviews of the film. The Times of London says

“There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen. There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film - it can feel like a never ending dinner party: however pleasant the courses, after a while you can hardly eat another one.”

But of the hat:

Parker topped her custom “pistachio prom-style” Alexander McQueen dress with a made-for-her hat from legendary designer Philip Treacy. Parker’s piece included butterflies, a giant lime-hued rose, some greenery and an acorn top.

All the hat was missing was a mischievous squirrel who pops out at regulated intervals while Benny Hill zips around on a tiny bicycle to campy theme music. That’s probably all the movie was missing, too. You can never have too many impish rodents in a movie, I always say. I also say “God’s wounds!” and “Galatiriel’s beard!” from time to time, but they don’t really apply here. It’s best to save those kind of spirited exclamations for a round of mead at ye old tavern or an online chat with your coven. Frolicsome squirrels, on the other hand, are always comedy gold.¹ You can quote me on that one.

¹_{“Caddyshack,” anyone?}

“Sex and the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker says she was crushed to discover she topped Maxim magazine’s “Unsexiest Women” list. In her defense, Maxim magazine is without a doubt the world’s douchiest magazine¹ with a less than stellar history when it comes to determining what is “sexy” in the first place. Let the record show that Britney Spears topped their sexiest list on more than one occasion, along with Lindsay “Dirty Sanchez” Lohan and Christina “Tranny-licious” Aguilera. That noted, Sarah Jessica told The Daily Mail

“Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in men’s magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It’s kind of shocking… It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.

“It upset [my husband Matthew Broderick], because it has to do with his judgment too. It’s condemnation, it’s insane. What can I do? I guess you can’t please all people.”

Well, I think that’s what she said. As long as six foot stamps, one whinny and three tail swishes still translates the same. The last part might have been something about youth-obsessed culture and her saddle chafing.

¹_{Right after Douchebag Weekly and Douche & Garden, respectively}

SJP at the ShoWest Awards last week:

“Sex and the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker ate it hard yesterday during a Vogue photo shoot with renown photographer Annie Leibovitz. Fortunately, SJP’s leg wasn’t broken in the fall, or they’d have taken her out back and shot her for sure. Her Colonial Turf Cup dream is still within reach!

Little philly mid-flight (via The Daily Mail ):

Are you prepared to get “Carried away” this way May? Yeah, me neither. The official Sex and the City movie trailer finally arrived online today. To be honest, I liked this movie better when it was called “Golden Girls” and aired in syndication on the Lifetime Network. This version has way too many Blanche Deverauxs. It’s like watching those women in television commercials who sit around the table discussing the trouble with their brand-name denture adhesives/irregularity/bone density talking about waxing their beavers and doing anal instead. In New Line’s defense, “cinema gold” and “cinema old” sound a lot alike. Of course, so does “cinema gold” and “enema mold,” but that doesn’t always translate to a box office success, either.

While I find their periodical the literary equivalent of Jeremy Piven waving around a turd on a stick, Maxim magazine is gracing us with a list of the World’s Unsexiest Women in their next month’s issue. Rounding out the top five are Britney Spears (#5), Madonna (#4), Sandra Oh (#3), Amy Winehouse (#2) and Sarah Jessica Parker. Notice anything curious about their list? Britney Spears is number five. SJP might have a horseface and a mole you could land a chopper on, but I’d still have sex with her before I’d get anywhere near Britney’s bologna casserole. I would also have sex with hobo or a hot curling iron before Britney, so… Catch-22. I think the real question here is ‘Would you have sex with Jeremy Piven?‘ And the answer to that is “I’d rather stuff my vagina full of dynamite and head for that big mattress in the sky.” Money, baby!

SJP filming in Central Park last week: