Because the power of Christ compels me: Mini-Me has a sex tape. TMZ says

Yes, that’s Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple’s apartment. Dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris’ video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness.

Even Caligula and the donkey in the Tiajuana sex show would have been sickened by this. It’s one of those things you can’t un-see once you’ve seen it, like Two Girls, One Cup or Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

You’ve been waiting for it, boys and girls, and now here it is: Britney Spears sex tape stills. You’re welcome! RobbyR of Project X-Tapes says:

This looks exactly like her, I’d be shocked if it was NOT her. The only reason I am cautious to say “100% positive proof”… is not finding the dark freckle on her left side stomach on any other pictures I have of her. The wrist tattoo matches… two tattoos very low on her stomach are not visible in the bathtub pictures because her legs are bent up… while she pleasures herself with the bath water.”

If only there was a way to know for sure. Like if fat rolls worked like tree rings or if Cheetos dust could be seen with an ultraviolet light.

UPDATE: Pictures are working now. May God have mercy on your souls.

Holy hell NSFW:

Viewers were outraged by a scene in the premiere episode of E!’s “Living Lohan” that showed mother Dina watching a sex tape of a Lindsay look-alike in front of her 14-year old daughter Ali, going as far as to suggest Dina was guilty of child abuse. The NY Post says

“Last time I checked, allowing a child to watch porn is against the law,” one viewer commented. Another asked, “Does anyone besides me think it’s weird that Dina showed her daughter [such images]?”

The former Justice Department chief of the child exploitation and obscenity section said, “It’s inappropriate but probably not illegal. If there was a situation where a mother was regularly exposing her child to pornography, it would be a concern for state child welfare agencies.”

I don’t see what’s so weird about it. So a daughter walks in on her mom watching a tape of her sister give some dude a blowjob. Who hasn’t had that happen once or twice in their lives? Where it really gets awkward is when you walk in on your mom and dad making their own porno. Especially once you realize your mom is not only taking it from dad but from Mr. Dinkleberg next door and they’re using your canopy bed for the wide-angle shot. And no matter what they try to tell you, that is NOT the way you’re supposed to play “Monkey in the Middle.” Try that during fourth grade recess and see how far you get.

Fast forward to the 3:15 mark if you can’t stomach watching all of it.

Lindsay with Ali in New York on Tuesday:

R & B singer R. Kelly’s case took a turn for the worse yesterday when his own mole defense was used against him. Kelly’s attorney had argued that since the man in the sex video did not have a mole on his back, that man could not be Kelly. Brilliant defense, except the man in the video did have a mole. D’oh! According to the The Daily Mail

Video forensics expert Grant Fredericks froze several frames of the sex tape where a dark spot was visible on the man’s back. For comparison, Fredericks showed the jury a still photo taken of Kelly’s back after his arrest in 2002, revealing a dark fingernail sized mole. “There is a mark on the man’s back in the exact same position,” Fredericks said, referring to the tape.

Kelly and his attorneys looked grim and dejected during the expert’s testimony, while prosecutors looked pleased, appearing to smile as they sat at their courtroom table.

One Memorex VHS tape — $5.39. Two bottles of Schlitz for a full bladder when urinating on a thirteen-year old girl — $10.50. Attorney’s fees for statutory rape defense — in excess of $100,000. Your primary defense argument back-firing and proving the prosecution’s case — priceless. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s maximum security prison.

Britney Spears’ January trip to Rosarito with then-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib seems to have yielded a little more than Montezuma’s revenge, although I’m sure it smells about the same: there’s a Spears-Ghalib sex tape out there, and Adnan wants to sell it to you. Splash News Online says

Word is that the video starts with Britney undressing. The sex wasn’t particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout. At one point in the tape Adnan asks the singer to remove the pink bob but she refused. “Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, ‘Take what off? There’s nothing left to take off.’”

I think I’d rather see streaming footage of partial birth abortions and hemorrhoid surgery being performed simultaneously than watch Britney Spears engaged in coitus. Or, you know, I could just sit through “Pirates of the Caribbean 3″ again. Six of one, really.

Shania Twain, because 1) she’s not Britney Spears, and 2) she’s single again:

An unidentified “collector” who allegedly discovered a Jimi Hendrix sex tape in a box of rock memorabilia has sold the rights to the tape to Vivid Entertainment, the largest purveyor of porn in the world. For only $39.95, you can watch a visibly intoxicated black guy who might or might not be Hendrix fumble around with two bushy brunettes. It was the seventies, folks. Pubic hair was de riguer. According to the New York Times

The film shows a naked man who resembles Hendrix, wearing a bandanna in his Afro, having sex with two brunettes in a dimly lighted bedroom. [sic] The man appears to be on drugs or heavily intoxicated. His full face appears on screen for only a few seconds, with his eyes closed. But his hands, bedecked with rings, roam large on the screen at times. The film has no audio.

Two white people busting their asses while some incapacitated black guy just sits on his sounds less like a “sex tape” and more like “affirmative action.” If I wanted to see that, I could just masturbate to the Penn/Stump v City of Oakland transcripts I downloaded from the Internet. Last time I checked, you could still do that for free. In your fucking face, Vivid Entertainment!

Hardcore video of burlesque queen Dita von Teese cavorting with two scantily-clad females hit the net yesterday, and Wonderbra, who had just chosen Dita to be the face of their lingerie company, is none too happy about it. The Sun says

In one scene the former wife of Marilyn Manson romps with a leggy beauty with a sex toy. The sleazy flick — shot before she rose to fame — will shock lingerie bosses. It is a blow to Wonderbra who only launched her as the new face of their famous push-up bra last month. They hoped Dita would enhance the company’s clean-cut image by designing her own limited edition collection.

Wonderbra declined to comment.

A good rule of thumb, ladies, is whenever you’re naked on film, don’t let the cameras stop rolling until you’ve yelled “They’re holding a gun to my sick grandmother’s head just off screen! I’m doing this against my will!” at least once. That way, when the video is inevitably leaked online, you can spin it as the harrowing tale of a woman overcoming the odds and doing whatever it takes to save the life of her cancer-stricken Gam-Gam instead of the shameful escapades of a drunken freshman slutting it up with two of her sorority sisters and while most of Sigma Chi watches. Trust me, you’re gonna thank me later for this.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Sun may have made this out to be a little more shocking than it actually is, because apparently the clip is classic fetish Dita from Andrew Blake’s Pinups 2, which Dita (NSFW) actually sells on her own website. Gasp!

See a clip of th INCREDIBLY NSFW video here here.

LSFW body paint shots:

It’s been a big week for explicit Hollywood photos, and Thursday, March 20th is no exception. Today’s amateur celebrity porn star: Lindsay Lohan. This one’s been a long time coming. The photo above is grainy and difficult to make out and comes from a less-than-reliable source, but to the best of my knowledge it’s her sometime last year, fellating ex-boyfriend Calum Best while he tapes it with his cell phone. Now, to be fair, almost any girl with a dick in her mouth could be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan. You could have a police lineup with Lindsay in it, and even you probably wouldn’t recognize her at first without some dude’s johnson in her yapper. It’d have to go something like this: “Yeah, I’m not seeing her right off, officer. Sorry. Well, you know, on second thought, if you don’t mind, maybe you could have the lineup go down on their knees or something? Just for a minute, so I could… yeah, that’s much better. Let’s see… well, you know, maybe you could take turns putting a penis in each of their mouths? That might ring a bell. I just want to be 100% sure here, you know, make sure we’ve got the right girl… oh, that’s great. Yeah. That really helps. Oh, okay, that’s your girl right there! The one double fisting your cock and dry-humping your leg.” It’d be kinda like watching a lion tear into a gladiator or Britney Spears devour a mexi-melt to actually see her do it in person.

_{Thanks to beaverbeater for the pic!!}

UNSEXY UPDATE: Turns out it’s not Ho-han. Just give it time, though. One will surface.

Braless as usual:

My psychotic instincts may have been a little off yesterday, because it turns out that mock-turtlenecked and be-Burberried-dog-flanked “Sex and the City” star Kristin Davis is in fact the one gobbling a wiener in the picture in yesterday’s post. However, technically, I’m still right, because there isn’t any sex tape — just a slew of naked photos sold by an angry ex-boyfriend. TMZ says

The photos were snapped in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. We’re told the ex-boyfriend was pissed at Kristin and then sold the photos to a third party.The third party got involved in a business venture with another guy and we’re told that guy pilfered the pics and they ended up online.

Being the classy and distinguished site that we are, I can’t post lewd nekkid pictures here. I can, however, link them. For instance, you could look at this mother-of-God-in-the-name-of-all-that-is-holy NSFW picture here, or you could just look at this picture of a sea squirt and not get fired from your job. They basically look the same. And (NSFW) this? What this fuck is (NSFW) this? I don’t know whether to throw up or touch myself. I guess I could do both, just to save time. It can be just like my wedding night all over again, only with less crying and threatening to kill myself.

An explicit photo of what is believed to be “Sex and the City” star Kristin Davis tongue-bathing some fat guy’s wiener made its way online yesterday. The source of the photo claims the picture is actually a screen cap from the actress’ soon-to-be-available sex tape, but I find that a little hard to swallow¹ because A) Kristen dresses her dogs in little sweaters, as evidenced above, and B) anyone who starred in two Tim Allen flicks back-to-back is clearly into masochism and not your run of the mill fellatio. There should be doilies and cat figurines and maybe a gimp mask somewhere in the background. It just doesn’t add up.

¹_{Pun intended!}

See the NSFW photo made magically LSFW via my mad Photoshop skillz after the jump.

(more…)

Disney’s latest whore-in-training Vanessa Hudgens apparently has a Christmas-themed sex tape floating around. Christmas, because Hanukkah and Ramadan are so clichéd. London’s The Sun says

Reportedly the beauty… is sitting underneath a Christmas tree wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a red thong. She says to the camera: “I’ve been a good girl this year.” Then boyfriend Zac Efron appears before nature takes its course.

According to all the Metamucil commercials I’ve seen, “nature takes its course” means “you take a big dump.” So I don’t know what kind of perverse Christmas-themed “Two Girls, One Cup” business Vanessa’s got going on, but I’ll have no part of it, thank you very much. Unless, of course, “nature takes its course” is just code for “Zac sashays in in peep-toe pumps and a rhinestone bustier lip-syncing ‘I’m Your Venus’ on a bearskin rug.” ‘Cause if that’s the case, I’ll take two, please.

Vanessa getting roses on Valentine’s Day:

It’s a special day, folks — the first celebrity sex tape scandal of 2008! Ding ding ding! Today’s celebrity slut is none other than Vivica A. Fox, who you might remember was also arrested last year on suspicion of DUI (she pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor count of driving with a blood-alcohol level over the legal limit of .08 last month). Trans World News says

Actress Vivica A. Fox has a sex tape that has been circulated around recently. An inebriated Fox is seen on her knees, performing oral sex to an Atlanta man, who was secretly taping her on his cell phone. The man then e-mailed the sex tape to his friends, who then e-mailed it to Fox. Fox then e-mailed it to a friend of hers in the Atlanta Police Department. It is unknown if Fox is filing a complaint against the man or asked the police department to handle the situation in a private manner.The tape was confirmed by Atlanta hip-hop station V-103’s Porsche Foxx, a popular DJ in the city.

Well, I suppose it could always be worse. Like, instead of her drunkenly slobbering all over some guy’s ball sack, it could have been the director’s cut of “Booty Call” followed by a clip from “Juwanna Man.” God, would that ever be embarrassing!

What Vivica actually looks like:

What Vivica looks like with the magic of PhotoShop: