The secret behind Jennifer Aniston’s smile these days is a little industry phenomenon known as “John Mayer’s wiener.” A friend of Mayer’s told OK! Magazine:

“John is good in bed. Not just good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I’m not sure what exactly he does, but after girls sleep with him, they’re ruined. Whatever John’s secret is, he should market it. He could retire from the music industry.”

So Johnny boy has some signature moves, huh? Well, I have a few signature moves of my own. Like pulling up my pants and apologizing, for starters. Or clamping my hand over my mouth with my eyes squeezed shut and shaking my head back and forth while dry-heaving. Call me, boys!

“World’s Sexiest Woman” winner Megan Fox really opens up — get it? — about her love of the wiener in this month’s issue of FHM magazine. She tells FHM

“I have the libido of a teenage boy. I’d rather have sex all the time than leave the house.”

Megan Fox loves sex! Of course she does! I’m sure she also enjoys cheap beer (your brand here), football (your team here), lingerie pillow fights with her Catholic school girl friends (your favorite clichéd male fantasy here), and anal! Thanks, poor man’s Maxim, for giving us a little jerkoff fodder to go with those pictures. We all know nothing spoils masturbation like having to actually use your brain!

Big-time boner-killer: Megan Fox is currently engaged to this guy right here. Try masturbating now.

At Spike TV’s Guys Choice Awards on Thursday and the MTV Movie Awards this weekend:

Kate Hudson was caught doing it with Lance Armstrong in the bathroom at a party in Cannes. According to Showbiz Spy

A witness spoke to Hudson in the bathroom at a Dolce & Gabbana event when Armstrong walked out of one of the cubicles. The source said: “I asked her what she was doing. Kate blushed and laughed - and then Lance walked out of a stall topless!”

Just a reminder: every time a person flushes a toilet without a lid, a fine mist of feces or urine (or both, if you’re lucky) sprays out in a ten foot radius from the bowl and coats everything in sight with a nice thick layer of piss and shit. Interesting side note: the average public stall is only 36 inches wide. Ten foot radius. I’ll give you a minute to do the math here. Take your time. Pretty sexy, huh? In fact, I’d say the only thing sexier than doing it in a public restroom is maybe doing it in a truck stop shower after Daytona Bike Week. Those bastards really know how to get down and dirty.

At the Dolce and Gabanna party on Friday:

If you aren’t sufficiently sunburned and hungover from your Memorial Day weekend, allow me to make you hurt a different way: I present Jennifer Aniston’s and John Mayer’s sex life, in gruesome detail! Get ready for it to start burning when you pee. A source tells Star Magazine

The singer covers [Jennifer] with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps. John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing. He [is] kinky.”

Kinky my ass. “Kinky” is a zippered gimp mask, a couple of two-by-fours and a trapeze that doubles as a pillory, not Reddi-Whip and the trial-size bottle of warming personal lubricant that came free inside a box of Always with Wings. I liked that kind of erotic adventure better back in ‘86 when it was called “9 1/2 Weeks” and didn’t have a blues-roots-meets-pop sound and a feathered pompadour.

On the set of “Marley and Me” with Owen Wilson:

Lindsay Lohan is bound and determined to flex the ol’ acting muscle with her latest movie role. According to The Sun

Lindz has reportedly sealed a deal to strip naked in a new movie called Florence. Star magazine claim the 21-year-old will be paid just £37,500 for the opportunity to play a sex mad waitress. A source tells the magazine: “She just wants to remind people she can act and she’s worth hiring.”

Surely such a stretch will be worthy of Academy gold! She should consider other equally challenging roles like “washed-up former child star turned coke addict” or “penis-gobbing scourge of L.A.” I can almost smell the Oscars from here!

Lindsay leaving Nicole Richie’s house on Monday:

You probably wanted more intimate details about Lindsay Lohan’s cavortings in Capri with that slew of men last week. Lucky for you, one of the dudes she banged is looking for a little exposure for his crappy band and was more than happy to sell the sordid tale to British tabloid News of the Word. Alessandro diNunzio told the mag

When I went outside for a cigarette, she followed. She just kept staring at me. She kept telling me she liked me because I was “a good boy.” All of a sudden, she pressed up close… and asked if she could kiss me. She didn’t care who was watching.

Go on…

[We] went back to her hotel… [and] she stripped off completely naked, without any embarrassment at all. Lindsay was very, very good and surprisingly experienced.

Wait — did he just say “surprisingly?” Ha ha! Italians! So witty. Okay, continue:

She wanted to do everything, every position. She was extremely flexible and adventurous.I took off my clothes and we started to make love. It was very passionate and intense and lasted for 1 hours, maybe more.

Then what? Flowers and moonlit walks? Breakfast in bed and seaside frolicking? Unbearable burning and RU-486?

“She told me, ‘Bye, I’ll call you.’ [The next day she sent me a text message saying] she wanted… me to show her around.” But she failed to turn up, saying she had a sprained ankle. He then discovered he had not been the only object of Lindsay’s affections at the festival. She was caught snogging Italian actor Eduardo Costa at her hotel a few hours before making love to Alessandro. And soon after he left her bed, she was smooching with long-haired local thespian Dario Faiella. She spent the next two nights with him.

It’s safe to say that nothing is safe from this girl’s vagina. It’s like some kind of venus fly trap, except only for penises. A venus penis trap¹, if you will.² God forbid you ever try to pass the time with her with a innocent game of “Would You Rather.” You’d find her the next morning taking it up the butt from Oswald Cobblepot while deep-throating a fire hydrant and jerking off Meatloaf. She’d pester you for weeks for more of your “great ideas.”

¹_{Funny because it rhymes!}

²_{And I will.}

Lindsay with the only man immune to her puss — Daddy — at JFK airport on Friday:

Lindsay Lohan apparently only has one standard when it comes to potential lovers in Capri — that they have a penis. Hear that, old, fat and hairy? That’s the sound of Lohan legs spreading for you! The Daily Mail says

Actor Dario Faiella… made it back to her [hotel] room. She had been all over him earlier in the evening at a nightclub, snogging him before launching herself on top of him as they got physical on the nightclub sofa. Li-Lo was clearly smitten with her choice, [showing] an undressed Faiella her appreciation with a loving hand on his derriére out on her room balcony.

All that old bastard’s missing is a tattered bathrobe and a pack of Merit Ultra Lights and he could be my Uncle Frank. He looks like he ought to be laid out in a Lazy Boy with a hand down his pants, pouring nacho cheese straight out of the jar into his mouth and farting from time to time. God, that chick is a slut. I bet if you tossed a handful of pubes on a Christmas ham, Lindsay would crawl up on to the table and start dry-humping it right there in front of everybody. That’s when a good rolled up newspaper to the nose and a stern “Lindsay, NO!” are in order. If you happen across a pile of feces, you should also probably rub her face in it.

I hope everyone out there in readerland had a very Merry Christmas and Chocolate Kwanzaa¹ and Explosive Eid-ul-Adha or whatever the hell holiday you celebrated in order to get a couple of days off from work. In case you missed it, Britney Spears sure did, even getting visited by the Ghost of Wieners Present at the Peninsula Hotel late Sunday night. According to Us Weekly

Spears’ “wild date” began Saturday night with the [Finalpixx paparazzi] photographer Adnan handing Spears his business card at a gas station after he heard she “liked” him. Soon after getting his card, Spears contacted him and, after meeting up, the pair was later spotted holding hands at a supermarket. “After discussing the possibility of him coming into her house she said that her house was too dirty and that she would rather go to a hotel… so they changed cars and she went back to her house to freshen up while Adnan parked down the road and waited for her. She then came out in her car and they both drove to an L.A. hotel.”

The photographer departed the hotel at 6 a.m. Sources say Spears left at around 9 a.m. and returned to her nearby home off Mulholland Drive.

So the homecoming queen has taken to fucking the school janitor. Granted, the homecoming queen got knocked up a couple of times and put on thirty pounds and smells a little bit like bologna and cheese, but still. He’s paparazzi. Britney might as well pork a fry cook or marry a backup dancer or something. See, it’s funny because she already did that! I swear, sometimes this shit just writes itself.

¹_{Copyright Ray Nagin 2006}

Britney after dropping off the kiddies yesterday night:

Thought you knew everything there is to know about Britney Jean Spears? Think again. According to Rush & Molloy

The pop star’s Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated “Fantasy Room” filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe… a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an “insider” who stumbled into the den of sin. “She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid’s uniform and a Cinderella outfit,” claims the mole. “Britney is sexually obsessed.”

I suppose “ugly stepsister” is technically a type of Cinderella outfit. So, what about feces, then? You can’t have a den of inquity without a little human waste smeared on the couches:

Star’s source also claims the house is a stinky sty — that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney’s dog. According to the tab, a “court-appointed watchdog” is set to declare the place a potential “health hazard.”

Just who is Britney handcuffing to the bed and letting shit all over the couches? According to the magazine,

Her “new squeeze” is Michael Marchand, a Hollywood waiter and aspiring actor. But his mom insists that they’re “just friends” who like “watching videos together and playing Scrabble.”

Scrabble. You’re telling me Britney Spears plays fucking Scrabble in her free time. By “play” I guess they mean “try to eat the little squares and have to be given the Heimlich.” Because arranging the letters to spell “poo,” “ass,” and “dum” and then laughing hysterically is not playing. I know. Otherwise, I would be the undisputed Scrabble King. So, in short, the only thing Britney is missing? Another bastard child:

Star quotes “multiple independent sources” as saying Brit is expecting again. “Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked — almost four weeks to be exact,” says Brit, or someone claiming to be Brit, in a message on her MySpace page, according to Star. “I don’t really know if I’m happy or sad I’m just … [I don't know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!”

Unfortunately, with the internet, there’s no way to know if it was really her or not. The “kewl” is certainly indicative of Britney Spears, as is the posting on MySpace, but we’d still need to see the actual computer to know for sure. You just can’t tell from someone’s blog if their keyboard is splattered with nacho cheese and feathers and crystal meth. Or if it’s covered in vomit and tears of shame and self-doubt. That’s what makes blogging the perfect job for me!

Britney on Thanksgiving day: