Natural beauty Christina Aguilera apparently put on quite a skank show at LAX nightclub last weekend. The Daily Mail says

[Aguilera] and her [female] companion put on a sexy show by dancing close to each other. 26-year-old Christina even grabbed her friend’s head and rubbed her face into her breast as their racy dancing continued.

Some new moms join their local chapter of Stroller Strides; some join little play groups that meet for story time at the library; some get wasted and shove their girlfriends’ faces in their tits like college freshmen whose daddies didn’t show them enough attention growing up. Those are the kind of mommies that have martinis for breakfast and fuck their kids’ soccer coaches and demand full custody for extra child support paychecks. Or, as I like to call them, “the cool moms” at whose houses the Stroller Stride kids are going to want to spend the night in fifteen years.

Lindsay Lohan is bound and determined to flex the ol’ acting muscle with her latest movie role. According to The Sun

Lindz has reportedly sealed a deal to strip naked in a new movie called Florence. Star magazine claim the 21-year-old will be paid just £37,500 for the opportunity to play a sex mad waitress. A source tells the magazine: “She just wants to remind people she can act and she’s worth hiring.”

Surely such a stretch will be worthy of Academy gold! She should consider other equally challenging roles like “washed-up former child star turned coke addict” or “penis-gobbing scourge of L.A.” I can almost smell the Oscars from here!

Lindsay leaving Nicole Richie’s house on Monday:

You already know that Lindsay Lohan gets drilled more often than the Alaskan coastline in the late nineteen-eighties. But what happens when Lindsay doesn’t get her daily requirement of wiener? Rush and Molloy say

Lindsay Lohan was working her charms as she fluttered back and forth between Adrian Grenier and Leonardo DiCaprio Tuesday night at a West Hollywood club. LiLo at first gravitated to Grenier, pulling off her red leather jacket and pulling him onto the dance floor. But when the girl he came with reclaimed the “Entourage” star, Lohan made her way over to the table where Leo was partying with Kevin Connolly and Lukas Haas. “She was very flirty with Leo,” says our spy. “But he wasn’t saying much to her.” DiCaprio and Grenier and their posses exited around 2 a.m., leaving Lohan [penis-less].

Then the sound of fabric ripping echoed through the club as Lindsay lumbered to the center of the floor with a vagina bulging three times its normal size. She frantically scoured the room and bellowed “Ho-han horny! Ho-han smash!” before ripping the top from a table so she could mount its base, alternating between angry snarls and whimpers of delight. Unfortunately, by that time most everyone had already run screaming from the building, so nobody got pictures. But they weren’t kidding when they said you don’t want to make Lindsay Lohan horny! Trust me — you wouldn’t like her when she’s horny.

The Bill Bixby Lindsay at a Fendi celebration on Wednesday:

Well, I’m back, boys and girls! Thanks for all the kind words and concerned emails during my absence. And also the liter bottles of gin on my doorstep. I don’t know how the hell you found out where I live, and though terrifying, I appreciate the gesture nonetheless. You guys are the best!

And now, without further ado — Jamie Lynn Spears is a trailer trash whorebag! God, it feels good to be back! According to Star magazine

The Zoey 101 star has often cheated on Casey, the 18-year-old she has identified as the father of her child. “I know for a fact that Casey was not the first guy she slept with — or the last,” says one fellow teen in Kentwood, La. “There were at least two others. I know that 110 percent.”

Just days before announcing her pregnancy in December, Jamie Lynn shocked a boy at a party by asking him for sex. “It’s cool, I’m pregnant,” she said. “I can’t get pregnant again!”

That’s quite possibly the skankiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. And that’s a real feat, considering all the COPS and Springer reruns I watch when I’m supposed to be out looking for a job. In a distant second and third: “I already spit out all the other dude’s cum” and “You can’t get pregnant from doin’ it in the butt.”

Jamie still being a pregnant tramp last week:

Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend slutting it up at a film festival in Capri, and the paparazzi captured it all on film for your judging pleasure. Female First says

First she was pictured kissing Italian waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio soon after arriving on the island on Friday, before sharing a kiss with actor Eduardo Costa the following day. The 21-year-old actress was then caught on camera yesterday morning canoodling with actor Dario Faiella.

An onlooker said: “Lindsay is really enjoying herself in Capri. She wasn’t content to just share a kiss with one man - it seemed like she was on a mission. She doesn’t seem to have had any time for anything but men since she got here.”

That’s just the ones the photographers caught her groping. God knows how many slipped into her leggings unnoticed. That Lohan can sniff out an unsuspecting penis from a hundred paces — even the dark and blindfolded. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Native Americans used her vagina to divine for semen and aborted fetuses hidden among the deltas of the mighty Mississippi. Every good Choctaw knows there’s nothing like a couple of chunks of baby floating in a bucket of ejaculate to appease the great Hushtahli from withholding the rain, and Lindsay Lohan can’t turn around without stepping in one. And then, when it finally does rain, the firecrotch makes a great makeshift tent to shelter the entire tribe from the storm. Form AND function, boys and girls. It’s kinda like how the Native American used every part of the buffalo, even down to the intestines and hooves. After Lindsay had sex with it first, of course. Ancient talismans always get first dibs!