You’d think it’d be damn near impossible for Mena Suvari to ruin a thong bikini. It’s a thong, and it’s a bikini, for Chrissakes. A win-win. But then your eye gets pulled unwittingly upwards, and your brain forces your eyes to strain until you make out the words “Word… Sound… Power” tattooed there on her upper back. And before you can pull your gaze back where it belongs, you realize the insufferable “Word Sound Power” is actually tattooed beneath another tattoo… and this one is a portrait of a fucking lion. Mother of God. And then she turns around and she’s got either a fancy number three or some kind of larva transitioning into the pupa stage right there on her xiphoid process and you start hyperventilating until your mom brings you your inhaler and makes you zip up your pants. Oh, don’t think I don’t know what you do in your spare time, loser! Just like God and the Bush administration, I see everything!

Scarlett Johansson arrived at premiere of her new movie “The Other Boleyn Girl” in London yesterday with one of the gayest-looking tattoos I’ve ever seen. And right in the middle of her forearm, too, so there’s no hiding it unless she’s in long-sleeves or maybe a Technicolor Dreamcoat. I suppose it’s better than something trite like a Playboy bunny or a yin-yang, but it’s still pretty fucking lame. And then that got me to thinking — what are the lamest tattoos out there? The top ten lamest, to be exact?

10. Any Asian symbols or characters. You might think they stand for some profound Eastern philosophy when they really probably say “Kung Pao Chicken” or “I take it in the ass” in Korean.

9. Grateful Dead dancing bears. What a long, clichéd trip it’s been.

8. The Comedy/Tragedy Masks — comedy for us, tragedy for you

7. Anything with a wolf or predatory cat

6. Yosemite Sam “Back Off!”

5. Thug Life — unless you’re Tupac, you unoriginal bastard

4. Tribal arm bands. Sorry, you’ve now joined the ranks of Nick Lachey. Not cool.

3. Tribal arm band with dream catcher. Even gayer than the original.

2. Portraits of anyone. This goes double for portraits of Jesus with a crown of thorns.

1. Encrypted floor plans for a maximum security prison housing your wrongfully accused brother