Denise Richards hit the talk show circuits earlier this week and denied that she had ever asked ex-husband Charlie Sheen for a post-divorce sperm sample, adding that “any email Charlie claims to have suggesting otherwise is a fake.” Charlie responded to her unsavory allegations in kind by mass-faxing a copy of the email in question to every media outlet in the Western Hemisphere. Rush and Molloy obtained their own copy courtesy of Chuck, and it reads as follows:

“Dear Brooke [Charlie's new fiance],

I don’t want to have a baby with Charlie. I am having a baby in the next year. By myself … my girlfriend suggested Charlie be the donor. So, I did bring this up to him. There are so many couples having unhealthy children. Charlie and I have very beautiful healthy children together. I was strictly looking for a sperm donor, if it’s any of your business. If it were him, I said we would sign a document that he couldn’t come after me and I couldn’t come after him … this wasn’t to have sex with him, it was him donating … that’s it. “

Jesus, all this fuss over a couple of tablespoons of freakin’ spooge. A thinking woman would have paid Lupe the Bunny Ranch housekeeper twenty dollars American to take a putty knife to the walls in the Jungle Room and collect the scrapings in a mayonnaise jar full of 2.5X Buffer/random octamer mix. Of course, nobody’s ever actually accused Denise Richards of being a “thinking woman.” Therein lies the rub.

On TRL yesterday:

I was up late last night drinking thinking, as I often do, and I got to wondering — how do I know that I’m not a computer? I mean, really know? The thing is — I don’t. But I figure if my existence were pieced together from a domain of ones and zeros, there’d at least be a way for me to edit out the wide-eyed seven year olds cowering in front of stage while Fergie skanked it up on the Today Show yesterday. The only time she even gets up off the floor is when she pulls herself to her knees to simulate oral sex on the guitar player. She could have finished up with R. Kelly hosing down the little girls in the front row and Roman Polanski tossing out handfuls of jelly-bean covered quaaludes and it still would have been a less offensive performance.

Jack Black inadvertently revealed that his “Kung Fu Panda” co-star Angelina Jolie is in fact expecting twins during a Today Show interview from Cannes yesterday. Us Weekly obtained the following excerpts from the interview:

“You’re gonna have as many as Brady Bunch when you have these,” Black said [to Angelina during the interview].

“So is that confirmed? Is it two?” [Natalie] Morales asked.

Jolie said “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already. Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

“Is that true?” Black asked, to which Jolie laughingly replied, “Yeah, you did.” Black joked, “I’m glad I didn’t blow it!”

“We’re out [with the news],” Jolie said. “We’re fine. I’m very happy. Unlike most women, I love being pregnant… You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

Of course there’s two. If I’ve learned anything from Star Wars, is that you can’t bring balance to the force with just one. Besides, the guys on the Jedi Council Forum say if you interpret the prophecy literally, it would take two chosen ones to counter-effect the Sith duality of master/apprentice — always two there are; no more, no less, according to The Rule of Two first instituted by Darth Bane approximately 1,000 years before the Battle of Yanvin. My Jedi Council Forum also says that rule forbidding Jedi to love is the reason why we’re all still virgins. It makes perfect sense to me.

That void in your morning between the hours of ten and eleven is about to be filled with a little something I like to call “Kathie Lee Kreamy Goodness.” Symptoms include diarrhea and an uncontrollable urge to bludgeon your television set with your bare fists. People Magazine says

The former Live! co-host will become a Today regular next Monday, April 7 — in the NBC powerhouse morning show’s 10 a.m. fourth hour. She will share the camera alongside Hoda Kotb.

One whole extra hour of strained cheerfulness and regular Cody updates! I’m guessing the “Sixty Minutes of Syphilitic Ulcer Draining” and “Power Hour with Pauly Shore” will just have to wait ’till 2009.