MSNBC reports today that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are the new black faces of Scientology. Apparently, there’s just something about paranoid couch-jumping Lilliputians that alienates the African-American demographic! Tom Cruise’s latest venture into the delusional — a $1.3 million security system replete with cameras in every last room of the house — has even gone as far as to estrange his obedient robot wife Katie Holmes. A source told Showbiz Spy

“Katie will barely be able to move around her own home without being monitored by cameras and electrical devices. There will be codes and devices that only Tom will have the secret information to operate. Every move she makes inside or outside their house will be recorded. There is no escape from Tom’s controlling ways. [Katie] knows she can’t escape the roving eyes of the cameras that are constantly sweeping the house.”

Within the grounds of the couple’s house, there’s a small guard house; 24/7 cameras; floodlights activated by movement; and guard dogs. An electric fence around the grounds was ruled out, but a moat inside of the compound will surround the 13,000sq ft mansion if permission is granted.

It sounds like some kind of wonderful Medieval-themed Alcatraz. Tom could call it Castle Knavesmire and get a dragon and a flaming eye and be henceforth known as Kargeth Yellowmace or Rukkek Tunnelmaker. There are plenty of good dwarf names out there to choose from. Who needs the African-American demographic when ye olde Renaissance fair demographic remaineth untapped, forsooth!

Those rumors that Tom Cruise “auditioned” several Hollywood actresses before choosing Katie Holmes to be his wife have actually been confirmed by a former high-ranking Scientologist. Female First says

[Scientology promotional films producer Marc Headley] reveals, “[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise’ [and] put out a casting call to female actresses saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’ They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s. But in the end no movie was made.

“First they rounded up Scientologist actresses… but they were all rejected. Then they went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait. When she found out [the "audition"] was [being held] at the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out. So they worked the audition bit on Katie and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’”

That’s like thinking you’re the most awesome player on the kickball team ever but then finding out that the captain actually chose you last. And not only did he choose you last, but that the other team took both the smelly kid and the fat kid with the skin condition so they wouldn’t be stuck with you.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hosting a $200,000 ‘Welcome to the World’ (their words, not mine) party to celebrate the birth of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s twins. According to Female First

A source said: “Tom and Katie are thrilled for Jennifer and Marc and have offered to throw a Welcome to the World bash for the twins next month.” The party at Tom and Katie’s Los Angeles home will have a pink and blue theme and guests expected to attend include John Travolta, Eva Longoria Parker and David and Victoria Beckham.

With a price tag of 200 grand, you can expect plenty of super-fun Scientology party games like “Pin the Repressed Memory on the E-Meter,” “How Many Invisible Thetans in This Jar?” and my personal favorite, “Silent Music-less Chairs.” It’s sure to be a very un-glib time for everyone involved!

With all the death and debauchery going on here today, I thought this little clip of Jerry O’Connell mocking Tom Cruise’s infamous Medal of Valor recruitment video was pretty damn funny. The insane laughter, the nonsensical trailings off, the turtleneck — Jerry fucking nails it. Editor’s note: he also nails Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Jerry O’ Connell, 2; Scientology, 0. Advantage: Jerry.

Despite hitting the talk show circuits all last week — not to mention the free publicity generated by Tom’s insane rantings and Andrew Morton’s contreversial biography — actress Katie “Kate” Holmes’ new movie is officially a box office bomb. According to Page Six

Taking in just $7.7 million over the weekend, Mad Money definitely won’t do much for Katie’s fledgling film career. Not only did her first foray back into acting since 2006’s Thank You for Smoking underperform, but she was widely criticized as the worst part of the film — The New York Times called her “the movie’s weakest link.”

Side note: Katie turned down a role in the next Batman movie to star in this cinematic masterpiece. So we can figure that with “Mad Money” under her belt, Katie’s bright future on the silver screen will include such favorites as “Son-in-Law 2,” “Carrot Top’s Revenge,” and “Battlefield Earth: Uprising.”

Normal McNormalton and wife Normalina heading out for a normal dinner of normalcy:

Another Scientology recruitment video made its way online yesterday in which Tom Cruise, still in his mock turtleneck, takes credit for saving the lives of hundreds of poisoned Ground Zero workers with the magic of LRH’s detox program. Page Six gives some highlights from the clip:

[Tom says] “A Scientologist is someone who can look at the world and really see what it is…. and not ask permission to do that. Why ask permission? We are the authorities!” Next, the video cuts to news footage of the devastation at Ground Zero as cheap action music plays and a cheesy narrator boasts: “And nothing says that better than the Mr. Cruise response to the wake-up call in the aftermath of 9/11 . . . If he takes a stand, it’s pedal to the metal till the finish line, as in helping New York firemen. He first saw the dust and heard the cough when descending to the ruins.”

Cruise’s voice kicks back in: “The EPA came out and said the air was clean. Of course, as a Scientologist, you go, ‘That’s a lie, [an] out[right] lie… You just go, ‘Liar. Fine.’ “The narrator then returns to brag how Cruise “personally saw to the establishment of a first New York-covered detox project. And, no, he did not ask permission.”

I’m not sure I get what he’s driving at here. As long as I’m not encroaching on someone else’s rights or causing them any bodily harm, I don’t really have to go around “asking permission,” either. Scientologist or not, if I want to — I don’t know — take a dump in a cheesecloth and then wear it like a hat, for instance, I don’t have to ask for your permission to do it. That happens to be a perk of being an American, not a Scientologist. And not asking permission doesn’t make you some kind of elitist hero. It makes you a damn crazy in a mock turtleneck wearing a beret made of your own shit. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Scientology!

The Church of Scientology is going on the legal offensive after video of Tom Cruise ranting about saving the world through Scientology made its way online, claiming the footage was stolen from their website and threatening to sue anybody who posts it (see the letter they sent Gawker Media after the jump). I personally give it about two hours before they pull the above footage of him talking to and saluting L. Ron Hubbard’s portrait, because this new footage sure isn’t going to help Tommy in his attempts to resurrect what’s left of his career and marketability. The Daily Mail says

[Cruise] has had trouble sleeping and been tearful at times [because he] is entrenched in a crisis… spearheaded by this week’s leaked internet video, on top of the stress caused by the publication of a scandal-drenched biography and his continually misfiring career.

But it is perhaps even harder for him to live down the humiliation of being dumped from a producing deal with Paramount by media mogul Sumner Redstone - because women, including Redstone’s wife, Paula, found him creepy. “He turned off all women and a lot of men,” Redstone said. “Paula and women everywhere had come to hate him.”

If I understand this correctly — and I’m pretty sure I do — you could have a Nazi Klansman child pornographer and Tom Cruise vying for the same role in a movie and there’s 99% chance that the studio would go with the Jew-hating pedophile in Grand Wizard costume. I mean, you can at least relate to that kind of crazy. It’s been around for a couple thousand years. But volcanoes full of hydrogen bombs and operating thetans and past lives and secret levels, well, that doesn’t make any goddamned sense. I’m pretty sure that’s why they invented electroshock therapy and straight jackets in the first place.

Katie arriving at The Late Show With David Letterman, plus some vintage crazy Tom Cruise and after the jump:

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Tom Cruise’s acceptance speech for the Scientologist IAS Freedom Medal of Valor in 2006 has made its way online, and is of course being yanked as fast as it’s put up, probably because the highlights include him saying:

A Scientologist… has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions.

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident… you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.

We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions.

We can rehabilitate criminals.

I have to tell you something – it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast.

Coincidentally, more details are being leaked from Andrew Morton’s unauthorized biography that somehow make Tom sound even more fucking insane than he does in the above video clip. Like this little tidbit, via Us Weekly

Before his whirlwind romance with Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise tried wooing Jennifer Garner. In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star’s voice mail in 2004 asking “if she knew what freedom was,” but his advances were rebuffed.

What the hell kind of pickup line is that? That’s goddamn terrifying. He might as well have left a message saying “I once killed a drifter to get an erection” or “I like to see how close I can swing a fireplace poker to your head without bashing your skull in while you’re sleeping.” That kind of talk usually doesn’t get you anything but a trip to police station and a restraining order.

Katie Holmes was interviewed on “Good Morning America” yesterday, and host Diane Sawyer asked all the hard-hitting questions you’d expect of a journalist. Except for the ones having anything to do with Scientology, contractual agreements, or being the surrogate for the demon seed of L. Ron Hubbard. Page Six says

“GMA” host Diane Sawyer asked Holmes only inoffensive questions about her hair, her clothes, her baby and her new movie. Incredibly, she never even brought up Andrew Morton’s controversial new book, “Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography.”

The network [went into] full damage-control, [with the] “GMA” executive producer [insisting] there was no agreement to avoid the touchy subject. He [claimed] he’d planned for the segment to delve into the personal lives of Cruise and Holmes, but after nearly eight minutes of light banter, called for the segment to end.

I imagine if the topic had been broached, Katie would have just put her hands to either side of her head to fluff her coif, waved an acrylic tipped finger at Diane and said, “That is not a topic. You want I should give you a topic? Here’s your topic: Scientology is neitha a science nor an ology. Discuss.” I can’t imagine you’d steal Linda Richman’s signature look without lifting a couple of her round table techniques, too.

Like buttah at the ABC Studios yesterday:

Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has another tell-all book about to hit the presses, and this one targets Hollywood-Heartthrob-Turned-Scientology-Overlord Tom Cruise. Morton makes several shocking allegations against the star, namely (via the NY Daily News)

Cruise, 45, is second-highest leader in his controversial Church of Scientology, and… 20-month-old [daughter] Suri may have secretly been fathered by late church founder L. Ron Hubbard. Fanatical Scientology insiders wonder if third wife Katie Holmes “had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm. In her more reflective moments, Katie might have felt as if she were in the middle of a real-life version of the horror movie ‘Rosemary’s Baby,’ in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child.”

I imagine the time for “reflective moments” came when she found herself waking in a metal tube without her short term memory or her original hair. That’s a scary fucking couple of minutes, believe you me. Nobody’d cut my hair and I didn’t wake up in a metal tube, exactly, but there was this one time I came to beneath a willowy gray figure staring down with silver eyes and a mouth that spoke without moving. I couldn’t remember anything past four o’clock the day before and I had a distant feeling that I had once been wearing pants and not bleeding from the anus. Luckily, the alien turned out just to be a parking meter and I hadn’t been inseminated with anybody’s demon seed. I’d just taken a bunch of Klonopin and passed out near Broad and 4th. See, you can’t make babies in the butt! Science is almost always on my side.

Katie shopping with the devil child on her birthday:

Katie “Kate” Holmes wants you to know that husband Tom Cruise finds her attractive in a completely heterosexual manner. According to the NY DailyNews

Katie Holmes has the secret for turning Tom Cruise on, but now she is sharing it with the world. “Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush… He’ll say, ‘You look good. I hope security’s going with you.’ Now that gives me attitude.”

Then she added, “He really likes my vagina. Loves vagina. Because he’s not gay. At all. If he were any less gay, he’d… ah, um… it’s Greek art! Those were just erotic statues! I don’t know anything about the tapes! Look, Suri! I had Suri! How could I have a baby with a gay man? It can’t happen! Science! Aaaugh!” and then a lot of hyperventilating and frantic looking around and a “He’s here, isn’t he? Oh, God, he’s here! Tell him I said he wasn’t gay. TELL HIM! ” before she folded into the fetal position and started sobbing quietly.

Katie Christmas shopping with Suri last week:

Tom and Katie want to wish you a Merry Christmas with the personal touch that comes with designing your own Christmas card. Us Weekly says

Katie Holmes herself designed the family’s burgundy, cream and brown holiday card, Us Weekly reports exclusively in its latest issue.The card is being sent out on behalf of husband Tom Cruise, 45, their daughter Suri and Cruise’s adopted children, Bella and Connor. Interestingly, Holmes, 28, signed the cards “Kate,” which is how Cruise often refers to her.

Not surprisingly, Tom passed on Katie’s first design: