Tony Parker might be French, but he’s pursuing justice the American way: with a lawsuit. Tony is suing photo agency X17 for their claims that he cheated on wife Eva Longoria with French model Alexandra Paressant. TMZ reports

In the lawsuit, Parker alleges X17 defamed him, claiming, “X17 had to know that the story was false, or at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source.” The San Antonio Spur seems particularly pissed that X17 never sought to “verify the information with Mr. Parker, Ms. Longoria, any of their representatives or….anyone else who might have knowledge of the truth or falsity of the allegations. Tony Parker never had sexual relations with a woman named Alexandra Paressant.” The suit seeks at least $20 million [in damages].

All this ugliness could have been avoided if Eva would have just taken it in the face and occasionally let him put it in the butt. Simple as that, ladies. Trust me, short of lying, it’s the best solution to most of life’s problems. If I had a nickel for every jam it’s ever gotten me out of, I probably could have retired by the age of twenty-five. At the very least, I could have made a really big pyramid out of nickels. I’m talking huge. Believe me, you’re not going to see Eva Longoria building something like that. Someone really ought to tell her that you can’t put dignity in the bank.

The happy couple on the set of InStyle photoshoot last Friday:

It would seem that sex with Eva Longoria is fairly milquetoast, because newlywed husband Tony Parker has reportedly been cheating on her with a French model who doesn’t mind doing a little swallowing. According to Female First

Alexandra Paressant - who claims she met the 25-year-old basketball player at his wedding to the ‘Desperate Housewives’ actress in July - alleges she met Parker for sex at Paris’ Park Hyatt Hotel on September 29. Paressant told X17 Online: “He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain positions and thinks that sperm gives you acne.”

In her defense, maybe it’s Tony who’s the problem, not her. So Eva doesn’t like “certain positions?” Well, everyone knows that the French really only know two positions in the first place — “on their backs under a white flag” and “cheeks spread, begging the Germans to be gentle.” I’m sure it’s hard to orgasm with your partner sniveling and cowering and asking if it’s safe to come out now.

Eva at the Bambi Awards in Dusseldorf last month: