When Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr and actor Orlando Bloom indulge in a little public nudity on vacation in Spain, everybody’s all smiles and sunshine and “so nice to see you again, sir!” You try waltzing out to the hotel pool in nothing but arm floaties and a bottle of Old Grandad and see how long it takes before the policía municipal show up with billy clubs. My personal best is 4 minutes 56 seconds.

Aging rock star Rod Stewart and wife Penny Lancaster were sailing in the Med this weekend when Rod got a hankerin’ for a little afternoon booby. News of the World says

As hungry Rod nipped along the deck towards her, Penny, 37, pulled down her pink sun-dress and popped out a boob. The 63-year-old star went ga-ga at the sight of it and cheekily latched on. One onlooker said: “What made it even weirder was the fact Rod was wearing an all-pink outfit too.”

I’m not quite sure when this site turned into a geriatric infantile fetish site, but congratulations — you’re now officially a pervert. Frankly, you disgust me. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.

If you’re a big fan of nipples, today is your lucky day, my friends. Former model China Chow went cavorting down the French Riviera sans top yesterday. She was flanked by some pale guy who I assumed to be the pregnant man but turned out to be Keanu Reeves with a linea nigra. Speaking of Keanu Reeves, if you happen to be a big fan of farmer’s tans, today is also your lucky day. And if you happen to be a fan of farmer’s tan and nipples, I bet you live in Arkansas and drink moonshine and are somehow related to me.

Since it’s summertime, it’s only fitting that gratuitous photos of celebrities in bikinis should be standard around these parts. Allow me to present your first-ever post-quickies palate cleanser: the Summer Supererogative. Today’s star is nineties supermodel Helena Christensen. As you can plainly see, Helena still has nipples. And you can milk just about anything with nipples. Except Robert DeNiro. The end!

I assume there were no electrical accidents on the set of “Crank 2,” because actress Amy Smart’s boobs were clearly labeled “Phase A Low Voltage” with black electrical tape. Find more safety tips like these in the NFPA’s Electrical Fire Safety manual under the heading “Nipples and You: A Lesson in Conductivity.” Available online at NFPA.org.

Miley Cyrus issued a statement apologizing for those suggestive MySpace pictures and for a photo shoot in next month’s Vanity Fair in which she appears to be topless. People Magazine quotes her as saying:

On Vanity Fair:

“I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.”

On the MySpace pictures:

“The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone.

Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life’s journey.”

The Disney Channel’s spin on it:

“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

And lastly, Vanity Fair’s take on it:

“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. The photo suggests that she is [naked], but she is not. She is covered by a sheet, and beneath the sheet she is clothed.”

Originally, she was in a flesh-colored tank top but was asked to remove it.”

And MY take on it:

Jesus H. Christ. If we’re going to start arguing the hypersexualization of little girls, how ’bout we start with those god-awful Bratz dolls that every seven year old in pigtails seems to have? That Vanity Fair photo is no more provocative than a halter top, but this little yo-ho looks like she’s about to offer me a half and half plus Greek if I want to come up three o’clock. Those are awfully big words to have to explain to a second grader. Fortunately, pointing and lewd hand gestures still do the trick in Nepal. Sex sells, sweethearts!

UPDATE: Now with more hot daddy-on-daughter action!

It’s a day ending in “y,” so by my calculations, it’s time for Sienna Miller to show us her snatch/tits again! And in case you missed her boobs the first time she pulled her bikini top down (photo left), then check out the tit-tastic view when she pulls her top up (photo right). And then down again (thumbnail 4)! And now back up again (thumbnail 2)! And then check out the view when she circles them with magic marker and puts flashing police lights on either side of them and has a little midget in a rhinestone jumpsuit scream “SIENNA MILLER TITTIES” out of a megaphone while blasting an airhorn and throwing confetti! I’m not one hundred percent sure here, but I think she might want us to check out her boobies. Of course, that’s just an educated guess. Don’t quote me on that.

I’ve often wondered how a professional call girl might have spent her eighteenth birthday. Perusing the foliage at the Botanical Gardens, perhaps? Taking a lap at roller rink fête? Showing her tits to a bunch of drunk guys on a Girls Gone Wild tour bus? Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny? The NY Daily News says

Five years ago, Eliot Spitzer’s infamous call girl celebrated her 18th birthday by starring in a racy lesbian spring break flick. Ashley Alexandra Dupré is featured on seven reels of a sexually explicit video called “Spring Break 2003.” GGW CEO Joe Francis told the Daily News “We have some really great footage of Ashley. There’s a shower scene that alone is worth the money. She was really into girl-on-girl action and she was all over the guys, too. Ashley was “a total ‘GGW’ groupie. She hopped on the bus and rolled with us for a week.”

The Dupré videos will be available on girlsgonewild.com at 6 a.m. Wednesday for $4.95 each.

I know somebody’s mother is beaming with pride this morning! It’s like the day she took Ashley for her first abortion and Christmas all rolled into one magical day. “Chribortion Day.” Every mother should get to celebrate it once!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Everything I predicted has come true. Am I psychotic? I’d say all signs point to yes!

SFW stills from Spring Break 2003: Anything Goes:

New York magazine released a couple of outtakes from Lindsay Lohan’s now infamous Marilyn Monroe “Last Sitting” recreation, and boy, are they boring. I say “boring” because although still technically naked, there’s not nearly as many nipples as before. Well, kinda, in one, if you strain. And I’m not big into straining. That’s why I use a ladle and balance the carton on my chest when I’m eating ice cream. I find key positioning and wider delivery devices can cut your carton-to-mouth recovery time in half. Believe me, between that, my Hover Round and my Poise pads, I barely ever strain at all.

Boring, loring, snoring:

Lindsay Lohan poses topless and totally-nude-but-artfully-covered in a tribute to Marilyn Monroe in NY magazine this month. This would be totally exciting and newsworthy had I not seen her nipples 2,534 times in the last year alone. I don’t think this skank even owns a bra. Unless it’s to hold back some dude’s balls for maximum penetration or to serve as a chin rest when she’s taking turns gobbling a couple different wieners at once. Form and function, my friends!

LSFW nakedness: