Jessica Simpson is heading to Kuwait next month to entertain the troops overseas. That’s in Canada, right? She writes on her fan site

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I… am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops for Operation MySpace, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess “

Unless she plans oiling herself up and singing topless while hopping around on a pogo stick, I doubt there’s gonna be a whole lot of “entertaining” going on in Kuwait. In fact, when asked if they knew what “A Public Affair” was, several enlisted men volunteered, “Is that the one where that girl fucks these all those dudes in the middle of Times Square?” and “No, no, you’re thinking of ‘Public Ass-Pounding,’ dude,” then offered to show me six different ways he could crush a beer can without using his hands. Believe me, Marines have all the entertainment they need even without Jessica Simpson there.

Jessica leaving Katsuya Restaurant in Hollywood last Wednesday:

Scarlett Johansson brought out the big guns this weekend for the marines stationed at Kuwait’s Camp Buehring. Unlike other celebrities who can’t even be bothered to give a buck to the homeless guy standing next to their car, Scarlett will be spending the next four days in the Gulf region as part of the USO tour. In other Scarlett news, rumor has it that she has gotten engaged to actor Ryan Reynolds. The Post Chronicle says

The ‘Lost in Translation’ actress, who has been dating Ryan for almost a year, is said to be smitten with the ‘Smokin’ Aces’ star and has accepted his marriage proposal. A source said: “We can expect an engagement announcement from Ryan and Scarlett any day now. They are very much in love and have decided to take the next step. Scarlett is thrilled!”

Whatever. I’m just impressed she’s braving the globe’s asshole to bring her special kind of talent (re: rhymes with “moobs”) to the marines stuck over there for the next year and a half. Sure, some of them have stared death in the face and lost limbs and been burned and disfigured beyond recognition in the name of American oil interests, but nothing lifts the blanket of impotent despair like chick with a big rack and no burqa or a mustache. In fact, I hear the only thing that marines like better than famous knockers is famous knockers with orders to Kaneohe Marine Corps Air Station Hawaii taped to them. Also acceptable: liquor and porn. Let’s all do our part for the boys overseas!