People magazine’s $14 million, 19-page spread of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s little messiahs finally hits newsstands today, and as expected with a bargain price like $14 million, there were several stipulations set forth by the Brangelina clan. Namely, no more “Brangelina.” MSNBC says

Reportedly, one condition of the photo deal was that the victorious magazine would have to agree to no longer refer to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as “Brangelina.”

And Brad had a few terms of his own. Like working the following prepared statement into the article: “Brad Pitt is also important, and oh, by the way, he has always loved doing charity work in dangerous third world nations no matter what Jennifer Aniston says because she’s a liar, they just didn’t take pictures of it before, and he is totally independent and not pussy-whipped at all and Angelina does not keep his balls in her purse for munching on when she’s angry. Repeat, Brad still has his balls. And they’re huge. We’re talking grapefruits, people. This is all 100% true. Especially the part about the balls. The End.”

The first pictures Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline will go down as the most expensive celebrity baby photos in tabloid history — the pics of Brad and Angie’s newborn twins went for a record-setting $15 million dollars. The Daily Mail reports

After a fierce contest between the celebrity magazines, Hello! outbid its rival OK! magazine for the rights to the pictures, and even brought its publication date forward to August 4 to capitalize on the coup. The American rights to the pictures will go to People magazine, which also published the first images of their daughter Shiloh in 2006.

Although the first pictures of the twins are no longer up for grabs, I’d bet that the rights to the twins’ first solid stool is still available. Time pull out the bid paddles, tabloids! You can almost smell the ad revenues from here!

Skeletal Angie in stills from Wanted:

JLo’s diva demands apparently don’t end backstage — Jenny from the Block has taken to working the help sixteen hours a day, seven days a week, which explains why she and her goblin of a husband are currently on nanny number three. According to MSNBC

Normally people who make huge sums of money… hire a nanny for each child, especially for newborns. But Jennifer [only hired] one.

The grueling schedule allegedly led the first nanny to leave after just one week. The next caregiver lasted a bit longer, but eventually the diva’s demands wore her out, too.

So she’s too cheap to hire two nannies, but not cheap enough to do the parenting herself. What the hell is she doing those sixteen hours a day? Three guesses says pounding bacon and nacho cheese like a Spears at a Sizzler.

Honorary Award for Marc from Milan Town Council, July 1

Angelina Jolie gave birth to the twins via c-section Saturday night in France — a boy, Knox Leon, weighing 5.03 lbs, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline, weighing 5 lbs. And on hand to welcome the chosen ones into the word? Daddy Brad Pitt, naturally, and the mayor of the French city in which they were born. According to People magazine

On Sunday, Mayor Christian Estrosi of Nice presented one of the birth certificates of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s twins on the steps of Nice’s Fondation Lenval hospital.

The mayor [said], “It’s a pride to Nice and all its citizens. On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event. I also congratulate the four brothers and sister of the newborns who are [history won't forget it] real ‘Niçois’.”

Earlier in the afternoon, a large bouquet of white roses and lilies for Jolie were delivered.

Oh, that’s nice, isn’t it? Loads of flowers and a public mayoral ceremony to welcome their new life into the world. Kinda like when I was born, and my Dad stepped out for a smoke and then never came back. Only with less pomp and circumstance, of course.