You know the feeling you got when you you were forced to hug the middle-aged accounting partner of your father’s staggering around in a giant diaper and bonnet at 1986’s New Year’s Eve party? The feeling that compelled you to spend two hours in a scalding hot shower with a Bible and a Brillo pad in the fetal position? Well, relive your seven-year old nightmare all over again with these pictures of Pink in a polka-dot bikini and sun hat in Malibu over the weekend. It’s a disturbing melange of Anne Geddes and biker bar, Gerber and Jack Daniels, Huggies and Astroglide-primed anal fisting. I don’t know whether to find it a binky or light its cigar. It’s probably best to just throw rocks at it and wait until it stops moving before you get any closer.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The ass crack above belongs to Todd Morse of Juliette Lewis’ rock band non-fame and is clearly not a threat to Pink’s masculinity or melatonin production.

You’d think it’d be damn near impossible for Mena Suvari to ruin a thong bikini. It’s a thong, and it’s a bikini, for Chrissakes. A win-win. But then your eye gets pulled unwittingly upwards, and your brain forces your eyes to strain until you make out the words “Word… Sound… Power” tattooed there on her upper back. And before you can pull your gaze back where it belongs, you realize the insufferable “Word Sound Power” is actually tattooed beneath another tattoo… and this one is a portrait of a fucking lion. Mother of God. And then she turns around and she’s got either a fancy number three or some kind of larva transitioning into the pupa stage right there on her xiphoid process and you start hyperventilating until your mom brings you your inhaler and makes you zip up your pants. Oh, don’t think I don’t know what you do in your spare time, loser! Just like God and the Bush administration, I see everything!

Can you guess what’s going on in this picture of Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans? Is it:

A) The classic “Tie a Knot in a Guy’s Drawstring with Your Tongue” party trick

B) If she puts her ear to his belly button and listens carefully, she can hear the sea

C) Geriatric boil ointment has to applied at close range OR:

D) Rhys is dutch-ovening a fart in his trunks and making Sienna smell it until she screams “Uncle!”

Did you guess yet? I’m torn between E) No way I let this perfectly good cocaine stuck in your gut flab go to waste! and F) How is my stupid piehole empty when there’s been a penis right here in front of me the whole time?

More of Rhys and Sienna’s asscrack frolicking in the Gulf of Mexico: