Britney Spears will be going on tour in 2009, marking the first time she has gone global since injuring her knee during her Onyx Hotel Tour back in 2004. And if those performances on X Factor and at the Bambi Awards are any indication, it’s going to be half-hearted mime-off unworthy of your $145. You could save your paycheck and just put a blonde wig and fishnets on one of the animatronic mice at Chuck E Cheese’s and get an equally convincing live performance. Plus you get a free soda and a balloon if you tell them it’s your birthday, and experience has taught me that you’re sure to be the biggest one in the ball pit. Score, baby!
UPDATE: Britney performing “Circus” on Good Morning America (above). Official tour dates and her GMA “Womanizer” performance after the jump.
Self-professed sober non-lesbian Lindsay Lohan was caught on tape mixing herself a Red Bull and vodka and sucking face with Samantha Ronson at a nightclub in D.C. over the weekend. Security cameras don’t lie, sweetheart! That’s what the prosecution is always telling me, anyway.
Here’s an enchanting video clip of Miley Cyrus on “The Ellen Degeneres Show”. It’s painful to watch Miley spasdically giggling and flopping around in her chair when Ellen starts questioning her relationship with 20 year-old Justin Gaston. Aside from it being a crime for a man to have sex with an underage girl, I think having sex with an underage girl who’s also mentally disabled probably earns you a place on the expressway to hell.
Brace yourself, Brangelinaphiles — Brad Pitt is going to be on today’s Oprah, and he’s going to be talking about Angie and kiddies! Squeal!Us Weekly caught a little excerpt from the interview:
Brad says “[My kids are] the funniest people I’ve ever met. And you know it really tells you — it’s a great mirror for yourself. It really tells you a lot about yourself and who you are and how you react to things. They make me better. They make me a better person as a father.”
Asked which of his six children is the funniest, Pitt tells Winfrey, “They all have their own thing. They don’t mean to be funny. Right now Shi’s in this thing. First of all, she only wants to be called John. John or Peter. So it’s a Peter Pan thing. So we’ve got to call her John. ‘Shi, do you want’ — ‘John. I’m John.’ And then I’ll say, ‘John, do you — would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’ “So, you know, it’s just that kind of stuff that — that’s cute to parents and it’s probably really obnoxious to other people.”
Boy, little kids get away with everything. Babies especially. When those little bastards sidle up to a boob and clamp down on the nipple, it’s all “awww” this and “miracle of life” that. When I do it, suddenly “pepper spray to the face” is the only appropriate response. And don’t even get me started on crapping my pants in public. If I had a nickel for every time I was escorted off a commuter train with a pantload between my knees, I’d probably be an eleven-thousandaire by now. At the very least, I wouldn’t be taking the goddamn commuter train to work every day, I can promise you that. Surely children are the true kings among men.
Angelina Jolie in the December issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK:
Lindsay Lohan was pelted with flour bombs by anti-fur demonstrators in Paris this weekend after arriving at girlfriend Samantha Ronson’s DJ gig wearing a fur wrap. Interestingly, this marks the first time that the expression “Lindsay Lohan bombed” did not involve a bottle of Absolut or a remake about an anthropomorphic Volkswagen Beetle. It’s also the first time “Lindsay Lohan covered in white stuff” had nothing to do with an eightball or the stuff that comes out of penises. This has gotta be one for the books, people!
Someone finally managed to sneak a cellphone into a performance of Equus and capture some naked Daniel Radcliffe penis action! And here it is — Harry Potter’s magic wand, up close and personal. Speaking of his magic wand, it doesn’t look like his could do much damage in the ol’ spell-casting department, if you know what I mean. Unless you count “shrivelus retractus” or “beanius weenius” or “is-that all-ius?” among your wizardry repertoire. You could probably build something more impressive with the stem of a mushroom or a couple of Lincoln Logs.
Awkwardness was the name of the game on “The Today Show” this morning, when cohost Meredith Viera introduced a segment about marriage by asking cohost Matt Lauer how old he was when he tied the knot. Her inquiry was initially met with silence, only broken when someone off-stage yelled a sarcastic “Nice!” So why all the awkwardness? Apparently, Matt has a less-than-stellar nuptial history — his first marriage ended in divorce and wife number two also filed for divorce in September (but later withdrew the suit). Here’s how it all went down:
MATT LAUER: Then we’re going to talk about marriage. What is the right age to get married?
MEREDITH VIEIRA: I don’t know. I got married in my 30s. When did you get married?
MATT LAUER: Ah . . .
Someone off camera yells “nice!”
MEREDITH VIEIRA: Anyway, I’m sorry. Oh geez.
MATT LAUER: The average age — let’s just start this show over. On average in this country women get married at 26, men at 28. Those are the averages. But how does your age impact your choice of a mate, and your chances for living happily ever after? Probably a more important question. We’ll get into that later.
MEREDITH VIEIRA: I don’t think I’m going to be one of those that lives happily ever after, after this show!
And feel free to be disappointed like I was. When I hear the words “embarrassing” and “uncomfortable silence,” there better damn well be a pants-ing or an audible fart somewhere in the mix. God willing, an Al Roker naked with two Taiwanese she-males rubbing butter pecan icecream on his nipples. None of this “referencing marital discourse” type gaffe. There’s a name for boring shame, and it’s called Kathy Lee Gifford. No thanks.
Tim Robbins got his pinko panties in a twist while attempting to vote in New York yesterday afternoon after being informed that his name was not listed on the official register. Rather than just fill out a provisional ballot and cast his vote on paper instead of the machine, Robbins began screaming and accusing poll workers of trying “intimidate him so he wouldn’t vote.” He made such a stink that cops were called to the scene, and eventually resorted to marching into the City Board of Elections to obtain proof that he was in fact registered to vote at that location.
Long boring story short — it took five hours, two cops, and a court order for him to cast his stupid vote. But don’t you dare think it’s all about him. Oh, no. He told MSNBC
“The fact that there’s some kind of attention being paid to me — what should be the real story is there are many like me who did not have the time to do what I did. A lot of people went to their polling places and wound up not being able to vote, or they had to cast affidavit ballots. This is info the poll workers should have had. This didn’t just happen to me, it happened to a significant amount of people.”
[Regarding reports that he caused a ruckus]: “I was non-confrontational … I just asked the polling person, ‘Are you trying to intimidate me to leave because I have a right to vote and right to an explanation if I can’t.’”
Jesus fucking Christ. It’s not like they told him he couldn’t vote. They just told him he had to use a paper ballot. You’d think they’d turned a fire hose on him and held his wife at gunpoint or something. I, on the other hand, show up to vote and get turned away and nobody bats a fucking eye. Oh, so you blow chunks on a voting machine once and you’re suddenly banned for life now? Is that how it goes? Flash your tits at a couple of poll workers and instantly forfeit your rights? Show up with a gun and a megaphone and create a “hostage situation” and “incite a riot” and “assault a police officer” now your vote magically doesn’t count? You want to talk injustice, Tim Robbins, you’ve got my number. And if you don’t, it’s written in a number of bathroom stalls in west Tennessee bars. Call me.
People are always asking me, “So, Abby, who are you going to vote for come November 4th?” The answer is: I’m not. And not just because I’m a registered felon, either. And also not because Election Day falls on Triple Taco Tuesday at the Mexi-Hut. That’s just a happy coincidence. I’m not voting because I think both candidates may, in fact, be communists, what with their “nationalizing the banks” this and “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” that. But if I were a voting girl, I think Barack Obama would have sealed the deal with last night’s half-hour long prime time infomercial and appearance on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He’s self-effacing and confident, personable and charming all at once, like me after a couple of drinks, except he keeps his shirt on. I’d say the only way John McCain could seem more antiquated and out of touch now is if he had tentacles for a beard and a barnacle-covered lobster claw for a hand and only came up on dry land once every hundred years.
A remarkably svelte Britney Spears writhes around totally naked in the video for her latest musical masterpiece “Womanizer.” Just how did she get so hot so quick? Other than the digital retouching and the lens filters, I mean? Why, with the help of magic pills, of course! MSNBC says
“She’s lost a total of 25 pounds over the last several months. She’s losing about two pounds a week [by] taking Nutrition 53 [and] working out.” (Nutrition 53, interestingly, is the supplement backed by Bill Romanowski, the former NFL linebacker).
Magical football pills, at that! I was figuring something a little more Hollywood, like Adderall and Hepatitis C, but I guess NFL-endorsed supplements work, too. Provided there’s not already an old woman speaking in riddles and in need of a cow wandering around downtown Los Angeles.
“Hairspray” star Nikki Blonsky claims the fight with former “America’s Next Top Model” contestant Bianca Golden at the Turks and Caicos airport back in July has “destroyed” her family. The airport brawl, you might remember, left Golden’s mother with a cracked skull, broken nose and a really sore puss. According to Access Hollywood
The 19-year-old actress [says] that she and father Carl have been “completely destroyed” by the incident in the airport and says she lives “every day in pain.” According to Nikki, Bianca’a account of the incident on “The Tyra Banks Show” on Oct. 8. was “absolute lies.”
Carl Blonsky plead not guilty to his charge of grievous bodily harm. Nikki was charged with actual bodily harm. Golden was also charged with actual bodily harm and is due back in court on Nov. 24.
“Destroyed” her family? Destroyed? Bitch, please. Nobody would even know who she or that Top Model chick were except for all the press generated by the stupid fight in the first place. Besides, nothing can be as tough on the Blonsky clan as the Ben and Jerry’s Rum Raisin shortage of ‘98. Shotgunning cookie dough and freebasing bacon is no way to live, Nikki!
In news that’s sure to shock and dismay you, new footage of singer Amy Winehouse snorting illegal drugs surfaced over the weekend. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself. Breathing into a paper bag sometimes helps. The News of the World states
The troubled Back to Black star was secretly filmed hoovering up the Class A drug in a packed London pub… in Camden last month while standing in front of a Union Jack flag. Desperate for a fix, the singer is seen snorting the cocaine off a CD case in full view of partygoers.
In other equally shocking news, the Earth is round and Zac Efron is gayer than rainbow Christmas. Further bulletins as events warrant!
