Lindsay Lohan guzzled vodka and staggered around the dance floor at Times Square’s Hawaiian Tropic Zone Saturday night while best friend Samantha Ronson manned the turntables. People Magazine says

Drinking Grey Goose and Red Bull cocktails, she danced the night away with girlfriends… tossing her hair around and doing full body rolls.

Monkey rolls? Moneky rolls? Sorry, I don’t care who you are — the only time it’s ever appropriate to employ the somersault into your day-to-day dealings is if someone in an eye patch is gripping the helm and yelling, “Haul on the main brace, make ready the guns and run out the sweeps or I’ll nail yer gizzards to the mast, ye poxy curs!” It also helps if you’re on a 17th century brigantine and have a pegleg and parrot. Otherwise, you just look like a total douche.

Drink up, me hearties, yo ho:

Successfully rehabbed singer Amy Winehouse spent a rousting evening at London’s Bungalow 8 this week snorting shots of vodka. Also known as “Gas Chambering,” snorting booze allows the alcohol to be absorbed into the bloodstream almost instantaneously. A real time-saver for those on the go. Later that same evening, Amy then tried her hand at a funky new dance that’s all the rage with the kids these days called “The Dutty Wine.” It’s kinda like a seizure and aneurysm all rolled into one, but with more herniated discs and torn ligaments. The Mirror says

The five-times Grammy winner [begged] a pal to teach her the dangerous “duttywine” dance, which can cause serious neck injury and pain. A spy said: “Amy was on top form and begged a pal to teach her the dance where you spin your head around really fast while you wind into the ground. Amy was so into it at one point her beehive nearly fell off.”

Nothing says “cool to the maXX” like a lurching hairpiece and a violent appendage-flailing on the dance floor. The only way it could possibly get any cooler is if you maybe shit yourself and tried to shake it out down one of your pants’ legs while simultaneously yelling “Heeyyy, Macarena!” and putting out a grease fire with your face. See, that would be cool to the maXXX.

Post Dutty Wine:

The Duttywine Dance, for those of you who’ve never seen it: