In douchebag news, it looks like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag finally got pretend married in the publicity-stunt wedding of their jackassy dreams.  They “eloped” in Mexico last Thursday, in a 15-minute “unplanned” ceremony.  From US Weekly:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, US Weekly reports in its newest issue.

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying,” Montag, 22, tells US.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

Uh huh.  Suuure.  Love, forever and always.  Love of headlines and magazine covers and attention, in any form, good or bad.  Gosh, it’s just so romantic, innit?  Heidi’s family is, of course, incredibly supportive of this magically enchanted journey into wedded bliss, if by “supportive” you mean “completely unaware”.

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

“I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, ‘Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,’” Montag tells Us.

“She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that,” she adds. “I don’t know when I’ll tell her.”

Well, thank heavens you had the taste and decorum to tell her by way of an attention-whoring announcement in US Weekly, Heidi.  You are truly a beacon of class.

If these two spawn, I swear to God I might hurt someone.  If there really is a Santa Claus, all I want him to do for Christmas is to render them infertile.  It’d be a gift for the whole world.  Please, Santa?  I’ve been a good girl all year!  I didn’t even get arrested, except for that one time I was held on suspicion of impersonating a police officer, but that was all just a misunderstanding involving a pair of handcuffs, three schoolboys, and a public bathroom.  No charges were filed!

Despite the pleas of men the world over, Megan Fox is still planning on marrying 90210 douche Brian Austin Green. Brian told People Magazine at GQ’s Woman of the Year bash on Tuesday

“[The ceremony will be] small. We might have a few people there. Don’t expect a lot of press hoopla surrounding [the] big day… You might hear about it the week after.”

Brian Austin Green better have a donkey-sized penis, because that’s about the only thing that could make this union credible. Either a giant wiener, or maybe sole possession of a ring forged in the fires of Mount Doom by the Elven smiths of Eregion. It’s the only way this makes any goddamn sense.

After swearing off marriage until gay people have the right to wed, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may end up tying the knot after all. She told the Italian edition of Vanity Fair

“Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, “Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?”

Ah, Shrek! I’ve learned many important life lessons from that movie. Namely, that it’s perfectly normal to have to have pets that talk back to you and that one day, giant cookies will join forces with us in our fight to overthrow the establishment. Don’t let your psychologist tell you any different!

Star Trek’s William Shatner has taken to YouTube to lash out at Mr. Sulu George Takei after he deliberately made a point of not inviting him to his gay wedding last month. Now, it’s no secret that Takei has long hated Shatner, writing in his book that he had “a huge ego” and claiming he hogged the limelight on Star Trek, but it’s the announcement of the wedding non-invite that seems to have finally raised the ire of the beloved Captain Kirk. Shatner says in the video:

The whole thing makes me feel badly, poor man. There is such a sickness there. It’s so patently obvious that there is a psychosis there. I don’t know what his original thing about me was. I have no idea. I didn’t read his book that was printed many years ago, but apparently I didn’t let somebody have a close-up. I literally don’t know him.

I didn’t know him very well on the series. He would come in for a day or two, as evidenced by the part he played. Then on the movies, there occasionally. I didn’t know the man.

You would think he had this epiphany and say - because he and I don’t have many years left in this world - ‘I wish him well. I’m so happy that I wish him well.’ But instead what he does is he makes this big deal about not inviting me to his wedding.

If I was such a terrible force in his life - even some 40-odd years later, because I’ve not seen him - that I effect his marriage where he has to isolate it, what kind of sickness is going on in the man? There must be something else inside of George that is festering and makes him so unhappy that he takes it out on me - in effect a total stranger.

Why would he go out of his way to denegrate me? It’s sad that the man can’t find enough peace in his life to either say ‘Be positive’ and say ‘I forgive him, whatever those hurts were,’ or to shut up about it.

It’s sad. I feel nothing but pity for him.

Then he wrapped it all up by pulling back his eyes, making buck teeth and lisping, “Confucius say, ‘George Takei so dumb he think he jizz in cash register and come into money! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!’” before breaking into a Priceline jingle. William Shatner — because who needs shame when you can cash a paycheck?

Actress Scarlett Johansson is officially off the market, at least for the next, oh, year and a half, tops. According to Us Weekly

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are now husband and wife, her rep has confirmed to Usmagazine.com.The wedding took place Saturday evening at a remote wilderness resort outside Vancouver. Guests included Scarlett’s mother, Melanie Sloan, and her brother, Adrian Johansson.

How rustic and quaint! A wilderness wedding. I get it. The becoming one with nature as they become one with each other and stuff. I would now like to offer my congratulations with a heartfelt toast. Hang on, what’s Canadian for “pretentious asswipes” again?

Scarlett in the August issue of Gloss Magazine:

Sorry boys — Samantha Ronson has officially laid claim to Lindsay Lohan, publicly announcing that she will be marrying everybody’s favorite Firecrotch within the next six months. According to The Sun

Sam used her DJ slot at [the] Chateau Marmont to announce the news, telling clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson. Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”

And it’s also to underestimate the power of the penis. Can you tell the sun not to set or the stars not to shine? It’s Lindsay fucking Lohan, people. The only way you’d have a better chance of hitting that is if your penis were a lightning bolt and Lindsay were made of tinfoil and metal rods.

Do your tits hang low:

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi finally made it official over the weekend. Their spokesperson told People Magazine

“Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles. DeGeneres, 50, and de Rossi, 35, both wore Zac Posen and exchanged rings by Neil Lane during the Saturday ceremony.

The intimate ceremony was attended by 19 guests who witnessed the couple exchange handwritten vows.”

I suppose the eternal love and together foreverness is alright, but once two lesbians are legally bound and cohabiting, they lose a lot of freedoms they for granted. Namely, the freedom to ask, “Your face or mine tonight?” I swear, that never gets old!