Despite both he and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith denying that they are Scientologists, Will Smith’s new school in Calabasas is causing all kinds of negative Scientology-themed press. Several teachers are members of the Church of Scientology, and the school is implementing teaching methods developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. The L.A. Times says

The school is not being honest about its links to Scientology. Many concepts on the school’s website are specific to Scientology — the school lists a “Director of Qualifications” and another teacher who is an assistant in the “Qual” department. The “Qual” is where people who have completed a Scientology “auditing.”

“Children are inculcated with Scientology jargon and are led to regard L.R. Hubbard as an authority figure. They are laying the groundwork for later bringing people into Scientology,” says Ron Reynolds, executive director of the California Association of Private School Organizations.

Frankly, I’d say that’s proof enough, but I’ve developed a list of other telltale signs that your child’s school is being infiltrated by Scientologists, just to be safe. Ten telltale signs, to be exact.

TOP TEN WAYS TO REALLY KNOW IF YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOL IS SCIENTOLOGIST

10. Placenta and Barley Formula is on the school menu.

9. “Battlefield Earth” is required reading

8. The auditing course has nothing to do with taxes

7. “Intro to Psychology” replaced with “Intro to Dianetics”

6. “Fair Game” is the standard in all organized sports

5. Grades are given in gradients from OT I to OT VIII

4. Required school supplies include glue, a ruler, and an E-meter

3. The “ARC triangle” and the “KRC triangle” have nothing to do with geometry

2. Approved field trips include a visit to The Freewinds and New Life Improvement Center in Plant City, Florida

and the number one way to know your child’s school is really Scientologist:

1. Tom Cruise is the principal

Will Smith’s co-star Charlize Theron at the “Hancock” premiere in Hollywood yesterday:

For someone who keeps denying he’s a Scientologist, Will Smith sure keeps finding ways to align himself with the religion — this time dropping thousands of dollars to open a new Scientology-themed school in Calabasas. According to TMZ

The New Village Academy’s website indicates that their model of learning is something called “Study Technology” — a method created by none other than L. Ron Hubbard. The school also emphasizes the teaching of ethics and survival — again, big topics in Scientology. While Smith is not mentioned per se on the school’s site, his reps did not deny his involvement.

You know how that old saying goes — if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and swims like a duck, well, then, you probably shouldn’t have sex with it. Those little bastards bite and carry the bird flu. The more you know…

MSNBC reports today that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are the new black faces of Scientology. Apparently, there’s just something about paranoid couch-jumping Lilliputians that alienates the African-American demographic! Tom Cruise’s latest venture into the delusional — a $1.3 million security system replete with cameras in every last room of the house — has even gone as far as to estrange his obedient robot wife Katie Holmes. A source told Showbiz Spy

“Katie will barely be able to move around her own home without being monitored by cameras and electrical devices. There will be codes and devices that only Tom will have the secret information to operate. Every move she makes inside or outside their house will be recorded. There is no escape from Tom’s controlling ways. [Katie] knows she can’t escape the roving eyes of the cameras that are constantly sweeping the house.”

Within the grounds of the couple’s house, there’s a small guard house; 24/7 cameras; floodlights activated by movement; and guard dogs. An electric fence around the grounds was ruled out, but a moat inside of the compound will surround the 13,000sq ft mansion if permission is granted.

It sounds like some kind of wonderful Medieval-themed Alcatraz. Tom could call it Castle Knavesmire and get a dragon and a flaming eye and be henceforth known as Kargeth Yellowmace or Rukkek Tunnelmaker. There are plenty of good dwarf names out there to choose from. Who needs the African-American demographic when ye olde Renaissance fair demographic remaineth untapped, forsooth!

Hollywood has a long tradition of exchanging “wrap presents” upon completion of filming, where actors and actresses exchange little gifts with their fellow co-stars to celebrate the end of production. One guy you don’t want as your Secret Santa on the set: “Unconfirmed” Scientologist Will Smith. According to Gatecrasher

His recent gift after wrapping next summer’s comedy “Hancock” was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. Never mind that such tests are given free by the church anyway. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that - surprise! - Scientology can fix right up for you. For a fee, of course.

Wow… a personality test! That was free to begin with! Courtesy one intergalatic overlord! Just what I always wanted. I guess they were all out of “Spinal Meningitis Muffins” and “Fire Ants in a Box” down at Bergdorf Goodman’s. Cashmere’s overrated anyway.

Tom Cruise’s long-time friends Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett have reportedly turned to the dark side. And by “dark side” I mean “aliens and haunted volcanoes and shit.” According to Us Weekly

Smith, 39, who was raised Baptist… tells Men’s Vogue, “I’ve studied Buddhism and Hinduism, and I’ve studied Scientology through Tom [Cruise]. Ninety-eight percent of the principles [in Scientology] are identical to the principles of the Bible. . . . I don’t think that because the word someone uses for spirit is ‘thetan’ that the definition becomes any different.”

A source tells Us Weekly that “wife Jada [is even] more gung-ho about Scientology than Will.”

There have long been rumors that Will and Jada are closet gays. Don’t even get me started on John Travolta being a huge queer. And Tom Cruise is the reigning king of fagocity. So I should assume that the Church of Scientology is three mimosas and a pair of butt-less chaps away from being the freakin’ ILGA. Two guesses as to where they stick those e-meters of theirs. The pooper. I’d bet they have double-headed e-meters for the lesbos, so nobody feels left out. Jesus, I don’t even want to know what they’re doing with those Affinity-Reality-Communication Triangles. Perverts.

Yeeeah… Jada’s definitely not gay: