I’m sure you, like me, refrain from watching the evening news or anything deemed “educational television,” so Katie Couric’s new haircut will come to you as a surprise. The NY Daily News says
The boyish pixie cut channeled some of Hillary Clinton’s bad ‘do days [and] was a striking departure from the signature bob. The dramatic chop did little to flatter and even caused Couric’s face to appear different.
And we pretend we’re a nation “ready for change.” Not so! If anything, Americans hate change, be it a newscaster’s haircut or the redefining of the word “marriage.” We prefer to wallow in the familiar embrace of tradition, where everything’s warm and wet and feels the same way going in as it does coming out. Kinda like corn pudding or Paris Hilton’s vagina, but without the unfortunate smell.
Proving that there are still a ton of sickos out there, Kirsten Dunst has filed a restraining order against a man she accuses of stalking her. Dunst says in the declaration
“Christopher Smith has repeatedly shown up uninvited at my place of residence in Los Angeles, going to so far as to ignore police warnings, bypass my personal security measures, trespass on my property, and attempt to gain entry into my home.
Mr. Smith’s sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Maybe the guy was hard up for a little Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog. It’s not like there’s a real live witch hanging out on every street corner in L.A., you know. Kirsten Dunst is about as close as you’ll get. And even if you did come across a real live witch, you have to have Elune’s Candle or the Torch of Holy Flame in your arsenal, which you won’t have unless you’ve already beaten the dungeons of Blackfathom Depths, unless of course you’re already aLevel 20 Elven Sorcerer, in which case you would probably use the Luminescent Rod of the Naaru to kill her and then go back to jerking off in your mother’s basement. See? It’s not as simple as it sounds.
And now, the must-have gift for the person that you hate at the office Christmas party — the official Kirsten Dunst desk calendar!
It’s an ugly day for celebrity hair, folks. First up, Halle Berry’s new ‘do for her role in “Frankie and Alice,” in which she plays a woman struggling with multiple personalities. Yikes. I’m not sure which personality is responsible for that hair, but “Satan” or “man-hating lesbian” is probably a safe bet. No thanks. And then there’s talk show queen Oprah — turns out our lady O has a dykey little secret under that immaculately maintained wig! According to Star Magazine
When Oprah wants to go incognito, she simply takes off her wig to revealed a dyed-blonde buzz cut. “Nobody ever notices Oprah in the gym,” says an eyewitness. “She doesn’t wear makeup or a wig. Her head is practically shaved and she dyes the little hair she does have blonde. If she is recognized, it’s because of her voice!”
I don’t believe that for a second. I mean, come on. No way. Like Oprah ever goes to a gym. Pfft. The only thing that cow is lifting is maybe a deep-fried cannoli up to her big bullfrog mouth. Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit on this one, Star Magazine!
And speaking of bullshit, Kim Kardashian gets banged at the “Empowerment for Africa” dinner last night — and nary a black guy or a video camera in sight! Another Thanksgiving miracle?
Britney Spears will be going on tour in 2009, marking the first time she has gone global since injuring her knee during her Onyx Hotel Tour back in 2004. And if those performances on X Factor and at the Bambi Awards are any indication, it’s going to be half-hearted mime-off unworthy of your $145. You could save your paycheck and just put a blonde wig and fishnets on one of the animatronic mice at Chuck E Cheese’s and get an equally convincing live performance. Plus you get a free soda and a balloon if you tell them it’s your birthday, and experience has taught me that you’re sure to be the biggest one in the ball pit. Score, baby!
UPDATE: Britney performing “Circus” on Good Morning America (above). Official tour dates and her GMA “Womanizer” performance after the jump.
The 38-year-old comedienne was attacked by a stranger in a violent slashing incident when she was five. “It was in, like, the front yard of her house, and somebody who just came up,” Fey’s husband says in an interview with Vanity Fair.
Fey says she doesn’t like to rehash the incident because “it’s impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it and glorifying it… I’m kind of able to forget about [the scar], until I was on-camera, and it became a thing of ‘Oh, I guess we should use this side’ or whatever.”
That just goes to show you the power of a name. Get knifed in the face and your name is upbeat and perky, chances are good that you’ll still live a life of success. Get knifed in the face and your name is something like “Solomon Grundy” or “Oswald Cobblepot,” and you’re going to end up plotting your revenge from a sewer with flippers instead of hands. That’s precisely why no comic book villains are ever named “Tina.” Fact.
Once again Winona Ryder finds herself the victim of a “misunderstanding” that could easily be construed as “blatant theft” — a diamond ring and bracelet on loan to Klepty McStealsalot mysteriously went missing from her Madrid hotel. TMZ says
Winona was in Madrid Sunday for a Marie Claire event. Marie Claire had given Winona a [$125,000] Bulgari bracelet and a ring to wear, [along with] a dress and shoes.
After Winona left Madrid, the bracelet and ring turned up missing. Winona claimed she went to the front desk at the hotel and gave the jewelry to the front desk, but the surveillance cam doesn’t show her doing that.
So… security cameras can be used to prove your innocence? Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. I’ll just be adding that to my “Reasons to Install a Hidden Camera in My Anus” list, right between “extreme impact porn market” and “irrefutable proof of alien probes.” Note to self: genius.
Wearing the jewelery in question at the Marie Claire Prix de la Mode Awards last week:
Tom Cruise is denying claims that he strong-armed Amazon into pulling an anti-Scientology book from its virtual store shelves last month. The book in question is John Duignan’s “The Complex,” in which the former high-ranking member details his escape from Scientology’s elite “Sea Organization” (sounds gay). According to the NY Daily News
On Oct. 31, Irish publisher Merlin released “The Complex.” Five days later, Cruise dropped by Amazon’s headquarters to glad-hand staffers and host a sneak peek at his new movie, “Valkyrie.”
A few days later, Amazon’s British Web site stopped selling “The Complex.”
“I believe Tom Cruise influenced them,” Duignan [says]. Cruise’s rep denies that charge.
Awfully big coincidence, don’t you think? He just “shows up” at headquarters and the book mysteriously disappears from inventory? It’s a lot like that whole sex scene gone missing from Katie Holmes’ “Thank You for Smoking.” You can’t just go throwing your Hollywood weight around every time a person threatens to expose you as a lunatic fraud or your spouse as a cock-hungry tit-flasher. If you really want your “problem” to go away, you bury it in lime and break out all the teeth so the cops can’t use dental records to ID it. Duh!
Celebrating Thanksgiving in central park with the Beckhams:
I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed their time off! I know I did. Typing with your face is really hard and barf makes all the keys stick together, so posting hungover is never really an option for me.
And speaking of barf — gold medalist Michael Phelps is so serious about his new girlfriend Caroline Pal that he took her home to spend Thanksgiving with his family. And just who is this princess who’s captured his heart? People Magazine reveals
Pal [is] a waitress at the Palms Casino Resort’s Moon Nightclub.
The Olympic champ has been dating Pal, 26, for about two months. The two met after his record-setting performance in Beijing last summer.
Nothing like a family holiday where drinking is encouraged to test the fortitude of one’s new relationship. Especially if the new girl you’re debuting is some skank whose only talents seem to be “too ugly to be a showgirl” and “possible distant cousin of Tila Tequila.”
It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! Britney Spears made her “comeback performance” at the Bambi Awards in Dusseldorf last night, performing “Womanizer” to a house packed full of Germans. Just how a country who considers David Hasselhoff a musical genius ended up hosting a music awards show remains a mystery to me. Frankly, if it doesn’t involve “Farfegnugen” or “The Final Solution to the Jewish Question,” Germans should probably just stay the hell out of it. Wiener schnitzel and have a great holiday weekend, snarkistas!
It’s that special time of year, folks, when we gather together with friends and family to celebrate the most successful cultural obliteration in the world’s history. Let’s all take a page from Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and pass the peace pipe and the small pox blanket and remember what we’re really thankful for — Squanto’s lack of foresight. Without it, none of us would be here! Snarky Thansgiving, bitches!
