I don’t even know what the CNN Heroes All-Star Tribute is, but I guess it happened or something.  I could look it up, but I hate CNN and have boycotted them since they fired Chez Pazienza, so I refuse to even go to their site to find out.  Besides, I don’t need to, because what matters here is Salma Hayek and her magnificent rack.  Her dress is meh, but her chest is mind-boggling.  Jessica Biel and Eliza Dushku were also there, and they both looked hot as hell.  Jessica’s dress is weird.  I think I like it.  The bodice is a really unusual colour that would probably look like neon snot on most people, but it looks great on her.  I also love everything that is going on with Eliza Dushku.

Salma Hayek:

Jessica Biel:

Eliza Dushku:

In shocking news, it turns out — shockingly! — that Beyoncé’s much-over-hyped secret identity album I am… Sasha Fierce isn’t so fierce.  It pretty much blows.  Shocking! (FourFour)

Equally shocking: Beyoncé’s still dressing like a drunk lunatic who raided Elton John’s dressing room. (SOMG)

Twilight made eleventy bajillion dollars over the weekend despite being the most effing retarded thing committed to film since the death of Anna Nicole Smith, because little girls are dumb as hell. (Pajiba)

The American Music Awards were last night.  Here’s a rundown of the performances. (Cele|bitchy)

And in AMA red carpet and backstage news, pretty much everyone either looked like ass, or acted like it. (WIMB)

Madonna and A-Rod are fighting.  About Kabbalah.  Which Madonna only barely understands, and yet she insists on being an oblivious, raving psycho about it. (Jossip)

Paris Hilton is a professional retard. (WWTDD)

So yesterday, at the Scientology Celebrity Centre, there was an incident with sword-wielding and shooting and death.  Of course.  (AB)

Boy George’s trial for imprisoning a hustler starts today. (ASL)

Suri doesn’t believe in pants.  She is so gonna get eaten alive by The Fug Girls someday, and it’s gonna be awesome. (Dlisted)

Cats are cuter than celebrities.  It’s true. (MollyGood)

In douchebag news, it looks like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag finally got pretend married in the publicity-stunt wedding of their jackassy dreams.  They “eloped” in Mexico last Thursday, in a 15-minute “unplanned” ceremony.  From US Weekly:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, US Weekly reports in its newest issue.

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying,” Montag, 22, tells US.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

Uh huh.  Suuure.  Love, forever and always.  Love of headlines and magazine covers and attention, in any form, good or bad.  Gosh, it’s just so romantic, innit?  Heidi’s family is, of course, incredibly supportive of this magically enchanted journey into wedded bliss, if by “supportive” you mean “completely unaware”.

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

“I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, ‘Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,’” Montag tells Us.

“She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that,” she adds. “I don’t know when I’ll tell her.”

Well, thank heavens you had the taste and decorum to tell her by way of an attention-whoring announcement in US Weekly, Heidi.  You are truly a beacon of class.

If these two spawn, I swear to God I might hurt someone.  If there really is a Santa Claus, all I want him to do for Christmas is to render them infertile.  It’d be a gift for the whole world.  Please, Santa?  I’ve been a good girl all year!  I didn’t even get arrested, except for that one time I was held on suspicion of impersonating a police officer, but that was all just a misunderstanding involving a pair of handcuffs, three schoolboys, and a public bathroom.  No charges were filed!

Jennifer Aniston is almost catatonically boring, but even I am willing to admit that she’s got a fantastic body.  I was not aware, however, that she did calendars.  Why in the holy hell anyone would want to look at her every single day for a year is beyond me.  Five minutes, I can understand, especially if the picture cuts her off at the head.  But a whole year?  I ain’t got that kinda saintly tolerance, my friend.

At any rate, because I am generous and kind, here are the pictures from her 2009 calendar.  Now you can look at them for five minutes and not have to spend any money or stare at her stupid face for a year.  There are really only a couple of pictures that are important here.  I trust you’ll be able to figure out which ones.

So… this is not new, but it’s news to me and that’s the best we can muster around here, as you should know well by now.  This is probably one of the most confusing/fantastic things I’ve ever seen in my life.  It’s a little person.  It’s a Britney Spears impersonator.  It’s twice the crazy in half the package!  My mind is blown.

Her name is Terra Jole’ (yes, that’s really how the accent is supposed to be and no, I don’t know what’s up with it being like that — my first guess would be that she couldn’t reach the top of the E) and she is “the littlest Britney Spears tribute performer in the world.”  I’m… sure that’s true.  I don’t even know what to say.  This is simultaneously one of the most awesome and terrifying things I’ve ever beheld with my eyeholes.

She’s known as Mini-Britney.  She’s 4′2″.  She’s been running this little roadshow since February of 2007 and has been featured on a bunch of shows, I guess, but it turns out I live under a rock or something because I had no idea that the world held such wonder.  Her website says she’ll be releasing a single in 2008.  I don’t think it’s out yet, which makes me sad in the pants because that is so what I would buy for Christmas for EVERYONE I KNOW.  Here’s her guest spot on “Chelsea Lately” from over a year ago:

And a lovely little medley from the show “Little Legends” in Vegas earlier this year:

I want to meet this lady.  I want to become best friends with this lady.  I want to throw her a party.  Buy her a pony.  Nominate her for Secretary of State.  I mean, wow.  Just… wow.

I’ve seriously never heard of Sophie Schandorff, but apparently she’s some sort of German model.  She doesn’t seem that hot in the photos I’ve seen, but she appears to have all her teeth so I suppose I can see the appeal for Blake Fielder-Civil, who left Amy Winehouse for her.  Of course, Blake Fielder-Civil is a fug-ass retard so I’m not sure what Sophie’s getting out of this deal, but to each their own.  Says Amy of the split:

It’s over. There’s no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for sex. I fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is it?

I’m guessing no one was labouring under the delusion that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil had a fairy-tale marriage filled with love and candy hearts and flowers, but still, I hope you didn’t just eat lunch, ‘cuz… barf-o-rama.  It turns out they were into lesbian threesomes and had freaky kinky sex all the time.  According to a friend of Winehouse’s:

Mostly it was Blake suggesting new things but Amy doesn’t need encouragement. They were like animals, at it all the time.

Just like they were with drugs, they pushed themselves to the limit.

They were into threesomes. It was Blake’s idea but Amy said she’d been with women before so it wasn’t a problem. She said she’s had a string of female lovers.

Whenever Blake said he wanted three-in-a-bed Amy would fix it.

They didn’t care about sharing themselves with others because it turned them on. They thought they were on this sexual journey together.

And the pair of them were into some real kinky stuff, not just the usual bondage and sex games but really gross stuff you couldn’t mention in a newspaper.

Um.  Ew.  Ew ew ewww guh-ross.  I would seriously rather reenact the scene from Audition when Aoyama eats a bowl of Asami’s vomit than even think about Blake Fielder-Civil or Amy Winehouse in anything resembling a sexual context.  As a matter of fact, just from typing the word sex in a sentence with their names, I think I can feel my vagina shriveling up and dying.  I’m pretty sure I’m asexual now.

Hola, bitches.  It’s Sarah today; Abby’s a little tied up at the moment.  No, really, she’s bound and gagged and can’t type at all right now, but don’t you worry your pretty little heads.  She’ll be back tomorrow (probably walking a little bowlegged, but all smiles, I’m sure).

Moving on… remember Jodie Sweetin?  No, of course you don’t.  She was Stephanie Tanner, the sister no one cared about on “Full House.”  You know, the gangly one with the giant teeth who stomped around like a clodhopper and was never, ever funny?  Not that “Full House” was ever funny anyway, but Stephanie was, like, extra lame.  And then that show ended and she went away and I guess some stuff happened (she married a cop and did a bunch of meth and went to rehab and got divorced and met some dude and married him two months later and had a baby eight months after that) and then — oh hey, guess what?  Last Wednesday, she filed for legal separation.  Apparently, her husband had no effing idea.  In the court papers she listed the separation date as Tuesday, so I guess she just woke up that morning and was all, “Huh.  Don’t think I wanna be married anymore,” and then didn’t tell her husband and spent the day on the phone with a lawyer, and I’m assuming at one point she must have said something along the lines of “I am in the world’s biggest goddamn hurry to get unmarried.  Make it happen tomorrow.”

Anyway, her agent (Why does she have an agent?  Has she done anything since “Full House”?  Sounds like she needs a new agent) issued a statement over the weekend about how she’s “trying to stay positive for Zoie,” her seven-month-old daughter.  Now, I’m not saying Jodie Sweetin has an attention span problem or issues with impulsiveness or anything, but… dayum.  Girl is only 26, and she’s getting divorced for the second time.  It’s like she’s getting life coaching from Britney Spears.  Also, she named her daughter Zoie, which is a stupid name spelled all funny, so she gets no pity from me.

Karolina Kurkova has been voted World’s Sexiest Woman , but all I can see when I look at her is her missing bellybutton. Just like Megan Fox’s freaky thumbs, it’s a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust people who don’t have bellybuttons, because that means you’re probably an alien and are salivating over my brains. I’m okay for now, because I made an aluminum foil hat to block her alien search rays and I’m typing in an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. Sorry Karolina, looks like dinner’s canceled!

Heidi Klum filming a commercial in LA, because she’s sexier:

Mischa Barton and Mary Kate Olsen’s eyes signal a lustful hunger for human flesh. (WIMB)

Here’s something you don’t see every day—Royal Weiner. (Hollywood Grind)

Chyna looks particularly girthy with a large dose of fug. (Celebslam)

NY Times runs a piece on Angelina’s press manipulation. Ouch! (Celebitchy)

People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue will include scratch-n-sniff! I think I just wet myself. (Mollygood)

Free 20 oz. Dr. Pepper in honor of Guns N Roses long-awaited Chinese Democracy album! (Seriously? OMG!)

Either Papa Joe has punched Jessica Simpson in the kisser, or she’s had some work done. (Anything Hollywood)

They’re not even married and already Sam and Lindsay need couples’ counseling. (GabbyBabble)

Kristen Stewart looking like a boy with mono on the cover of Teen Vogue. (Go Fug Yourself)

Last night Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and beard Pete Wentz welcomed their new baby boy, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Says E! Online about the birth:

The baby boy weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces and measured 20½ inches.

“Proud new parents Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz welcomed new son, Bronx Mowgli Wentz, late this evening,” a rep for the new mom told E! News. “Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!”
The birth comes almost three weeks after the 29-year-old Fall Out Boy mastermind told Ryan Seacrest that his 24-year-old missus was “very pregnant…She’s at the very end, and it could happen at any point.”
As for the tot’s name, Wentz told Seacrest they were not looking to go down in the annals of punchline-ready celebrity monikers.

“I want to meet the baby first. My friend said it—you’ve gotta have a baby with a name that could be a rock star or a senator, so he’ll get work either way.”

Oh sure, “whiny scruffy boy in a loincloth raised by wolves” positively smacks of rock stardom, or better yet, electoral success! Maybe if he gets elected to office, he can bring Baloo and Bagheera along as his advisors. The “Bear Necessities” sounds like a great political agenda to me!

With his balls firmly tucked into her kung-fu grip, Jennifer Aniston brought boyfriend John Mayer to a meeting with her dad and her stepmom. Star Magazine has the scoop:

The meeting took place on Wednesday at Beverly Hills Hotel’s posh Polo Lounge, where John broke bread with 75-year-old Days of our Lives star John Aniston and his second wife, Jen’s stepmom Sherry Rooney, plus another older couple. So how did the ever-cool singer do on the dad test? Despite being so nervous that he compared it to “auditioning for Dancing with the Stars,” he seemed to be a hit.

“Jen’s dad seemed very impressed with John and the two got on real well,” an onlooker tells Star.

Dressed in a tank dress and heels, Jen sat next to John — who donned a collared shirt and sweater for the event — in the corner booth. Even though the two sat directly across the table from her dad, “they couldn’t keep their hands off each other,” an eyewitness tells Star. “Jen was constantly rubbing his hair and John was rubbing her back, then every so often they would steal a kiss. They both looked very happy and very much in love.”

Adds another onlooker: “John and Jen held hands under the table. She would put her arm around him and he would reach up and grasp her hands. But John was fidgeting and texting under the table looking a bit nervous.”

Yup. There you have it. Nothing says “I love you” like a nerve pinch to the neck and eye daggers across the table to get a man to commit. My guess is that John was trying to text for help. I’m surprised Jen didn’t drop her cover to reveal herself as a Rodian bounty hunter on the prowl for some booty. Koona t’chuta, Mayer?

Here’s an enchanting video clip of Miley Cyrus on “The Ellen Degeneres Show”. It’s painful to watch Miley spasdically giggling and flopping around in her chair when Ellen starts questioning her relationship with 20 year-old Justin Gaston. Aside from it being a crime for a man to have sex with an underage girl, I think having sex with an underage girl who’s also mentally disabled probably earns you a place on the expressway to hell.