While filming his new Roman epic that I’ll never see “The Eagle,” Channing Tatum’s man-bits were accidentally scalded with boiling water. Rest assured, my offer to kiss it and make it better still stands. The Daily Mail says:

Tatum had been scrambling through freezing rivers and lakes for his role as Roman officer Marcus Aquila in the Scottish Highlands.

The only relief against the icy water during filming was a small wetsuit. An assistant would then pour boiling water from a kettle mixed with cold river water down the wetsuit to warm the 29-year-old up.

However on this occasion the assistant forgot to add the river water.

‘I pretty much burnt all the skin off my penis,’ Tatum [said]. ‘The pain… you just can’t understand. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like suffocating.’

Channing later went on to say, “Funny thing was, when the doctor saw how raw and red and covered with lesions my penis was, he just assumed I’d had sex with Lindsay Lohan and gave me a shot of penicillin in the ass. We all had a good laugh about it later!”