Pornstar-turned-Tiger-Woods-mistress Devon “Butt Monkey” James filed a paternity action lawsuit against the golfer yesterday claiming he’s the father of her bastard kid, but why talk about boring stuff like that when we can talk about the Dina Lohan Ice Cream Cake Shamefest?! I’ll assume from the silence that you’re all nodding your heads in staunch agreement right now. That’s why I love you guys so much.
It all started when Lindsay Lohan’s mom stopped in a Carvel Ice Cream store to get a cake for son Cody’s birthday. And I say “get” instead of “buy,” because when it was time to pay for the cake, Dina produced a special Carvel Black card — a promotional VIP card that entitles the owner to free ice cream — and said she wasn’t going to pony up any dough because she was famous. And that’s when the Shamefest officially commenced. Dina told Radar Online:
“The shop assistant said, ‘Do you have I.D.?’ Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn’t give me the cake! This guy was crazy!”
All the Lohans have ‘Black’ cards, [but I] picked up Ali’s card [by mistake].
I didn’t think it be a problem! I couldn’t believe this guy… it’s a family card, it just didn’t have my name on it. Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there’s a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I’m trying to use a stolen credit card — and for what? Over a free ice cream?!
Finally he gave me my card back. But he told me, ‘You can have the card, but you can’t have the cake!’ It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people.”
Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this. When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store — and you can print that!”
But Carvel issued a statement calling out Dina for cashing in on her daughter’s celebrity status:
As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration last year, we issued 75 Black Cards to celebrities. These cards were issued in the celebrity’s name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use.
Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali’s names only, her extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present. At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends. After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.
Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned. The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again. This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity’s name for their own purposes.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was still reeling from the “It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people” comment. I’m a regular person, and nobody gives me any free fucking ice cream. And the cops certainly don’t show up because I call and tell them nobody was giving me any free ice cream and I want something done about it. I’d get charged with making a false 911 call and have to cough up a $1,000 fine and spend six months in jail if I pulled that shit, which is 179 days less than Lindsay Lohan spent in jail for her two consecutive DUIs and cocaine possession. But yeah, they’re treated so much worse than regular people. I’d like to beat all the teeth out of her self-entitled head with a tire iron and rearrange them to spell “fuck you, you stupid ungrateful cunt.” Too bad my last name isn’t Lohan, or I’d probably get away with it, too.